Need Help, desparete & afraid & need an answer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkspring, May 23, 2009.

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  1. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    I’m sliding down into despair. Why is it that when I start sliding into depression I think about suicide? And when I sink really low to a -4 or -5 (on a scale of +5 being manic and -5 being full blown depression & suicidal) I am in a great deal of emotional and mental pain. I start thinking about a place to end my life and occasionally how and when.

    I don’t believe in suicide. I try to divert my thoughts & think about good things & about things for which I should be grateful. Despite my best efforts I can’t get rid of these morbid thoughts. Why???
    Why does this happen even though I don’t want to do it in my “normal” moods?

    Why, when I strongly don’t believe that anyone should do it, I cave in when despairing in depression? Why such despair. Why not just sad? I have everything to live for so how can I get so low and want to destroy myself. I can understand to a point that many people can get very depressed if their lives suck & they see no end. But I don’t understand why I should get desperately low and especially how I could even think of suicide.

    Please tell me the answer!
  2. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    This reminds me of a time when i was driving to my bank (BOOO EVIL BANKS SUCK!!! FUCK BANKS BOOOO!!!) and i started thinking about how i had been so depressed and suicidal as of late (this was months and months ago) and had an epiphany type emotion.... and realized how absolutely crazy i was for thinking suicide as an option and iremember thinking to myself how i never ever ever ever want to think about suicide as an option agian.

    This moment was fleeting but it still makes me wonder how logical i am actually thinking (if logical at all) when i think suicide is an option...

    ...stops me in my tracks even still today..that feeling was so real and i can still remember it but the feeling of suicide is real too. I dont know anymore. Life is nuts.....mmmm.....honey roasted peanuts
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Because it isnt you thinking at that point but rather the depression. Same for me when I cut. When I'm thinking "straight" I cant imagine why or that I could. But when I slide I cut and find relief and control in it. Then after I feel disgusted for doing it. And it's somewhat the same with my suicidal thoughts and urges. But I do understand that on some level it isnt the real me thinking those things. It is the depression and all it's demons that go with it at work then. Depression has a way of making us see and believe things that can go completely against or very ethics! But at that moment in time it is all you know and believe.
    But you do strongly feel, for you, it is wrong and that is a blessing hun. It may be the one factor that helps pull through the down time. You have a level inside you that keeps quietly whispering while the urges are screaming. So when it gets really tough, keep searching inside yourself for that whisper and help it grow louder and stronger. And when you think you cant, call on the members and your friends here to help you hear it better.
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