I’m sliding down into despair. Why is it that when I start sliding into depression I think about suicide? And when I sink really low to a -4 or -5 (on a scale of +5 being manic and -5 being full blown depression & suicidal) I am in a great deal of emotional and mental pain. I start thinking about a place to end my life and occasionally how and when. I don’t believe in suicide. I try to divert my thoughts & think about good things & about things for which I should be grateful. Despite my best efforts I can’t get rid of these morbid thoughts. Why??? Why does this happen even though I don’t want to do it in my “normal” moods? Why, when I strongly don’t believe that anyone should do it, I cave in when despairing in depression? Why such despair. Why not just sad? I have everything to live for so how can I get so low and want to destroy myself. I can understand to a point that many people can get very depressed if their lives suck & they see no end. But I don’t understand why I should get desperately low and especially how I could even think of suicide. Please tell me the answer!