Need help ending affair

[cymbele]

Back when I was married I was alone and untouched. No sex. I was told I was unattractive and fat by my husband. My friend and partner-in-crime was also alone and untouched by his wife. He can't get his wife to be interested. so after a year or so of giving one another massages, we started the affair. In the meantime I didn't contest the divorce since although my ex does not know of the affair I felt guilty and that the marriage was over anyway.
So fast forward a few years. I'm divorced and he is still married.We have a night that we hang out with one another. This started when I was married even before the affair. We would go kayaking, shopping, bowling, do projects whether on presents for others or house fixings and just go out to eat. Lately we don't do anything but have sex. I don't want to do it all the time. Sure, initially I needed the touch -in fact I was crying out for it - but nowadays I am satisfied. I don't need it as much and starting to resent the sex. It seems like his appetite for it is increasing.
No I don't want him to leave his wife. We might be friends but I don't think we can even live together. I wish I could find someone available and stopping the sex. I have broached the subject and while he says ok next time we get together he really pushes me to have sex and although my mind doesn't want to my body responds. I can't continue to have sex and like myself. Sometimes I tell myself i should do it because it is only a b0dy and since I'm way past menopause there is no chance of getting pregnant. But I end up feeling lousy. Each time.

So I don't know how to say no and commit to it. Sometimes I breathe a sigh of relief when he doesn't visit so I don't have to have sex. I feel like a teenager.
Advice? My therapist said it felt to her that I didn't want to stop. This was early on and I haven't seen a therapist in at least four years. But I remember being dissippointed at her. I wanted advice to stop but she knew me better than myself so I acquiesced and din't bring it up again.
So I thought I'd post the question here and let others ask questions or post advice.

 

[Miss Invisible]

Well is it over? In reading this it doesn't feel (and I'm a bit harsh or real that's just me) like you want it over? You need to remember that you are in charge of you and have every right to say no, and mean it. yoU need to take your postition and stay there no matter what gifts are thrown your way. think big picture, do you see yourself with this man in 5 years? if yes, will he still be married and dragging you along as side chick #2 Find your back bone and put down you heel. all in all the decision is up to do u want more of the same or can you be that independent woman. I think you can!

 

[cymbele]

I guess I want the sex to stop but continue being friends. I realize now that it may not be possible. I don't want to be chick#2 - or #1 in that manner I just want the friendship. (I don't have many friends.) And I don't know how to explain it to others that we don't have our hangout night nor our kayaking trips. i do enjoy the company otherwise I get so lonely. I just don't know how to say "NO" and stick to my guns. I'm not that good at confrontation in general and this issue drives me crazy since he accused me once of being the instigator of the whole thing. So we had guilty sex. And I can't explain that while my body responds my mind really doesn't want to do it. He's a guy after all.

 

[AlexiMarie7]

Hi, letting go either entirely or of one facet of any relation is not easy.

I really don't like that he accused you of being the instigator. Even if you were, he could have resisted and said no; also it is pretty irrelevant at this point who started what, if you are expressing that you no longer want the physical aspect He can't just "blame" you forever even if he believes you "instigated" and hold you 'hostage' for sex forever on that basis. You are still entitled to want out of that part.

Practical Suggestions:
Put some distance between you two. If not emotional as well, the physical. Miss the next weekly meetup. Don't just hope he doesn't show up. Come up with some reason/excuse and stick with it

Take matters into your own "hands" or with 'help' before your next meetup...

Schedule something "out" and stick to that, suggest you meet at the bowling alley or the kayaking spot. And no you can't 'see' him before at your place or after. Come up with a reason for before, and force yourself for the after.

(drive/arrive separately if this is not already how it is done)

Look into groups or meetups in your area. Make some effort to already have your alternate social group or other friends, or more if you want with someone else. Try online or apps, even just to "browse" or wet your feet

Go to the cinema alone, go shopping/window browsing alone. Start to enjoy or at least tolerate being with yourself

And.....know that if he insists on sex, you may have to lose him entirely but you can and will likely get new friends. Even if you have a 'gap' when you are alone, believe and know that you can and will find someone else.

 

[Walker]

Hi there, it sounds like you need some space from this guy for a minute. He's into you sexually but he's not respecting you as a person very much. So do you deserve more or not? I think you do. Essentially you've got to "break up" with him, for lack of better term, because you're seeing him and you've got a thing even though you don't have a term for it. You could do better and you know it. Do yourself a solid and be more than the side action. You value the friendship more than he does... and if that's not the case then he can show it by not being a dick when you say you're not banging him any longer. Aretha Franklin says it best - R E S P E C T. You've got the power here. Good luck. Come back and keep us up to date.

 

[brightlight]

Hi Cymbele
All of the above, plus, I would suggest you look at doing a bit of inner child work, you said you felt like a teenager, that is the adolescent you still at work, it's the adult you that wants to move on, but your needy child/teen still wants and seems is getting it's way whether you like it or not. The only thing that will placate the child at this stage is your own love and not attention from someone else. Do some research on soul splitting and soul retrieval, be strong but be gentle, this is about you, not your relationship and not him. Fix you and the rest will fall away and what's meant for you will materialize, don't fix you and you'll get more of the same, with the needy teen still active in you. Going through similar stuff myself at the moment.
Love and Light
P

 

[JmpMster]

The ending of the affair is of course easy- it is the ending the affair and maintain a friendship or go back to where it was a more meaningful friendship with activities and actual time spent together. It is very hard to "unring the bell" as they say, once a relationship has gone into the physical it is difficult to go backwards. The obstacle would be (to me) that he is getting what he needs / feels is lacking and why he began with you to start with- sex/ touch / deep human connection. The other activities in his mind (though likely without really realizing it) were simply a substitution for or helping to close the gap between that and what he was getting from home (nothing).

At this point, asking him to move "backwards" i think can only be managed by you dictating the meets. If you set up the kayak trip/excursion to wherever- and you manipulate the time so that there is not "time" for the sex , it just is not included for a couple of meetings and then mentioning how much you enjoyed those and were happy to be back doing the stuff you enjoyed so much again it may set his mind down the path of what it is you are looking for again. Without the need for a "discussion" which i cannot see ending without hurt feelings or feelings of "what did I do wrong? Why doesn't she want to touch me anymore either?" Getting the physical to completely end while maintain the friendship may be remotely possible if did that for a few weeks and then explained that was where your needs were at this point.

Then comes part 2 of the issue- If you went back to doing the other things to that made the friendship more meaningful again- so it was not just sex and you did not feel like that was all you were for again- you may very well end up feeling far more interested in the sex again. That means you will need to decide for self and that "ending the affair while maintaining a close relationship is not "how do i do this" but more of a challenge every week to maintain that status.

I hope you find a way to get what you need from a clearly important person/relationship in your life. You have been close for a very long time though so I do suspect you will be able to manage setting up boundaries based on mutual desire for what is best for both of you. You know him best and will be able to figure out how to talk to him without hurting each other. In th eend, just plain talking/explaining like you did here may be the easiest route and trust him to understand.

 

[cymbele]

Well, we had finally had the discussion and although he heard and accepted what I was saying he did not like it and kept trying for me to change my mind. But I held to my guns so to speak and he left for the night early. And i suspect I will have to reaffirm my position for a very long time. Thanks to the forum to help me sort out my feelings and get me the backbone to hold to this position.

 

[Kira]

Well, we had finally had the discussion and although he heard and accepted what I was saying he did not like it and kept trying for me to change my mind. But I held to my guns so to speak and he left for the night early. And i suspect I will have to reaffirm my position for a very long time. Thanks to the forum to help me sort out my feelings and get me the backbone to hold to this position.

Hi @cymbele! I was just hoping for an update... Have you stuck to your guns since your last post? I truly hope so. Thinking of you...

 

[cymbele]

@Kira75
He still tries to "tease" but I refuse. It's a struggle as we still spend a lot of time together. But he leaves early because we are not kayaking after work nor do we go shopping nor are we filling the time with sex. We still talk almost every day. I have distanced myself away but he doesn't understand why I'm distancing myself. But I feel more comfortable with myself. We are both on vacation this week and although I will be over his house today his wife will be there (not that that stops him from flashing me) and I will be ok.
It will be a struggle but I'm prepared for the long haul. I feel much better. I hope that if I find a single man I could enjoy sex again but it will be a while and there is no man in the picture. Thanks for caring.