Need help from someone whos been here....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fading222, Jan 7, 2012.

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  1. Fading222

    Fading222 Member

    Feels like im out of options. I dont know how or why it just feels like my love for live has vanished. i have absolutely no reason to be depressed or sad. im not poor, i have a big loving family, a crew of good friends and some girls that im with. im not termiannly sick, been abused or anythin but i just dont enjoy this life. every part of my life that sounds like i should be able to be proud or brag about just makes me so fucking mad that it doesn't make me happy. for example i loved goin on dates and trips with girls i was with but know i just dont care. ill go with a party with the crew and act happy but what i used to love i couldn't care less about. in every aspect of my life.... iv tried everything i can know of to knock myself out of this funk i thought i was in. i smoked pot daily and drank 4 days a week. i got with girls. i got in the best shape of my life working out 6 days a week and ate healthy. once i found of none of this made me any happier i quit it all. i quit working out, going out and was just really fucking down and lost all the new friends i had made when i was trying to force myself to be happy. i sold drugs because i thought money could fill this emptiness. i got into fights every weeksend. one the adrenalin high wore off i found nothing works and my last effort was when i quit all drugs cold turkey. i was willing to put up with some alcohol and weed cravings, and even the serious cravings i get from cigarettes if that meant i could set my system back to normal. iv been clean 4 months and nothings changed. i dont want to do anything... every part of my life that was or is great just makes it hared because i have no fucking reason to be feeling sorry for myself and wanting to end this shit. if you havnt been where i am dont disrespect this pain with a reply. suicide isnt a perminante solution to a temporary problem. think about how many sleepless nights and wasted days it takes to come to the conclusion that death is the only cure. try to imagine the effort and pain someone goes through trying desperately, with every fucking fiber they own to be happy. to truly smile and.. actually laugh. like i did when i was younger.. i cant and wont take any prescribtion medications for this. i watched someone very close in my family attempt suicide over her addiction to prescribtion meds. i had to carry her outside to the ambulance while she was trynig to cut me with a knife for stoping her. i cant even explain how much pain this has caused and how i could never get into anything similar. and now what used to be the best part of my life fucking terrifys me. sleep. sleep used to be my relizese where i didnt have to hurt anymore. now iv been having this dreams about my ex, a girl i did live but now could never trust and dont want to see again. but these dreams leave me waking up feeling so bad i dont want to fall asleep. i dont fear anything anymore exept waking up in the morning, feeling extra empty inside waking up from a wack dream and knowning the day will only feel the same. only to repeat itself day after day. im just hoping someone sees this whos has ben where i am and can help give me some real talk on how i can change this. feels like iv tried everything to shake this.. but maybe its not something i can shake. the only two things i can say bring anything to my day are music, and the idea of being able to use my body to allow others who desperatly want to live, to live. if iv tried for years and the only thing i want is to feel nothing, then if i can reach that iv won. if i can let my body, my heart, organs, ligaments, eyes or anything to allow someone stuck with no hope in a hospital bed to live the life they so badly want, what could be better? that is the only idea that brings meaning to my life as hard and as stupid you may think it is. imaginge a child seeing this world for the first time because my eyes allowed it.
    last but not least. i am still alive and typing this message because of my family and friends. iv ben reading everywhere that if i end myself, the only people who lose are the ones who cared about me. that alone is why im here. that being said, i know they would understand my decision and the people it would help.

    i know theres no easy cure.. but just in someone whos ben here knows. i had to ask
     
  2. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Sorry your going through some tough difficulities, wish I had answers to make it all go away, help you feel better. I certainly can relate, we will get through this :hug:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am where you are i stay for my family only You said you have no reason for how you feel yet you have had trauma in your life watching someone try to committ suicide struggling to help them that in itself caused you so much pain. You need some therapy if you do not want medication you need councelling to help you change some of these thoughts you are having.
    With me i refused meds so long took so many years away from me it did it came to a point take dam meds or end my life causing so much pain to others i had no choice i took meds only long enough to get me to a space i was thinking more clearly i am off meds now and in therapy I am still struggling but the therapy has got me also to a space where i can cope

    There will be a time for you to choose to get well you may need dam meds then you can choose to stop them once you are stable once you get therapy

    Life style changes that is hard one especially when you are so low change diet activity all help but until you get stable thes are hard to do

    I am one of the people left behind after my brother committed suicide and my daughter attempt so many and my twins all have left me so fragile You need help and you deserve to feel better hun alll i can say is do whatever it takes to keep you here okay Your family will not understand that again is your depression telling you something that is not true
    they will never understand and NO the pain does not get less it does not go away okay It stays inside the one left behind and eats away at them

    Get help hun do what it takes to bring back that joy you once had Medication not the complete answer but it help to bring you back until you can fight it with help for therpay
     
  4. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Have you tried therapy?

    As far as meds go, you would not likely be prescribed anything addictive for depression.
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey man, sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. It sounds to me that you're experiencing depression. You mentioned that your life is going pretty well overall, yet you still feel bad. That's how depression works. There doesn't have to be a logical reason, like financial troubles or medical illness etc. Maybe you need to make your life more meaningful? Have you tried volunteering and helping others?
     
  6. Fading222

    Fading222 Member

    appreciate the kind words.. seems dumb that this is the only place iv talked about how im feeling i dont even know if my friends or family know. i feel like im out of options cuz iv thought hard on what could be keeping me down and tried to change it. but nothing gives me anything but temporary help. i do have things im down about, lots of them, but stepping back and looking at my life as a whole it makes no sense. iv always been strong and happy, coulnt be farther from that now. and dave i have done some mission work even thou i dont belive in any religion. i spent a week in a inner city trailer helping feed and clothe homeless people, and the only lasting result i got from that was i will never give money to them again. not going to go into details but none of the volunteers left feeling sorry for them and where i live there are tons of jobs. also i went to China for a month last summer and taught English to deprived and usually unregistered children. that was very rewarding, the people there are incredibly grateful and just overall happy despite the poverty. but at the same time tough. if i could have stayed longer i would have, but i dont have the money to. i also didnt feel it was something i could do for a long time. it seems therapy is something that could help but i cant afford it. im a college student trynig to pay my way through and i just got kicked out of school cuz of money problems.
    if theres anything youv dont thats actually helped, let me know and ill try. i havnt been taking this sitting down but it feels like im out of options and this isnt temporary. im want this feeling to f**ing leave. im tired of feeling like a whiney b***h feeling sorry for myself over the dumbest shit. plain and simple i dont want to live. but is that so bad? why should i be forced to struggle through every hour everyday? the longer i live the worse this feeling gets, going on two years now and i dont see any light at the end of my tunnel...
     
  7. elizabeth170862

    elizabeth170862 New Member

    I get it. I do. life can just be a little crappy and some of us just dont catch a break, others. Your brain gets worn down and it just cant cope with anymore. We sometimes think that doing things for other will give us a sense of belonging and purpose, we give so much this also drains us. I am feeling the same way and have felt this way for several years. last year I met a man, he promised me the world, in fact I was suppose to move to India with him in 2 weeks, yesterday he text me that he longer want to take me, this is only after the day before calling me with an update on what travel arrangements the company had made for us. Today I can no longer cope. I am sure he has his reasons, but this has been the last thing I can cope with. There is always a trigger. What was yours? I need to make a decision today what I am going to do as I can not go on feeling like this. I am not helping much but am here to talk about it if you want
     
  8. WishICould

    WishICould Well-Known Member

    depression is one of the worst illnesses. Like many others here at SF, I know how terrible a life can turn at the drop of a hat. I'm sorry I don't have the answer either. I just wanted to wish you luck on your road to recovery.
     
  9. Fading222

    Fading222 Member

    ye elizabeth i dont really know what my trigger was. if i had to guess it woulda been when i lost the only girl iv loved awile back and when i got cut from my college basketball team. the coach had promised me a spot and all that bullshit, but i wasnt allowed on the team for '[extracuricular behavior' which was smoking weed. but FUCK that i never did anyone any harm when i was high, but thats how it goes. before that i lost the only girl iv ever really cared about. 3 years of my life and i find out this girl i love is just a bitch. i know that feelin thou, walking around with my heart in my shoes looking back on the relationship and wishing i could change shit. the only thing i can say is just be happy it ended when it did. imagine if you had moved away, got married or got a kid into the mix. it wouldnt have been so easy to leave when you found out what a asshole this guy was. i know it hurts like a bitch, your insides feel empty and your head is rattled cus to this day i remember how losing that love feels, but trust me on this, that feeling passes. what makes me so sure of my decision is that iv ben going on 2 years with no lasting change. i used to love going to the gym or court and shootin hoops for hours. now i cant spend more then 15 min there and im done. my boys are always joking with me on how i cant spend more then a week with a girl then im over it. i dont know why but i just dont care anymore. i just got kicked out of college for late payments, im in debt for more money then i could make in 2 years with no taxes or bills or shit but i dont care. i cant see myself being around long enough to have to deal with it. im not givnin up yet.. but my hopes fading..
     
  10. Kaganovich

    Kaganovich Active Member

    It seems to me that you're not neccesarily depressed, but just looking for meaning in life, for motivation. And that's not an easy fix. It might sound stupid but it might help to read some philosophy, try and grasp your place in the universe and stop living a life that you've been told is happiness ( drink, drugs and women etc) but instead find what really makes you happy, what makes you tick. We're propagandised 24 hours a day to fall within set categories, but of course that's not human, you may just need a change of perspective, find your own raison d'etre.
     
  11. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your going through this. :hug:

    It's hard to really define a meaning of life because there's so may different interpretations out there. You might have a case of mild depression even though I can't legally give that diagnosis sense I'm not a professional. However, your making a major step by sharing. I hope you continue to post your feelings here of SF.

    Trevor,
     
  12. Fading222

    Fading222 Member

    this site keeps erasing my posts and i aint feelin like rewriting everything i just wrote. long story short. since my last post i did some dumb shit and cut myself, basically some scratches but ye. decided this was goin to far and told my family. got taken to the hospital by the cops and locked up under some mental health act for 24 hours. told my story to my brother and 2 different therepists and they didnt have fuck all to help me with exept call me an alcoholic. i drink tops twice a week with friends and iv already quit everything iv ever been addicted to so thats just bullshit. now that i told my fam feels like i fucked up. they acting like this is some crazy new thing im goin through and if im alone for 10 min im guna pop myself. i know they trying to help but they making it way worse by bringing it up every time i see them. by best days have been relaxin with the fam or bullshiting with the boys but they think im some new person now apparently. guess im guna have to act like im better in awhile cus i cant stand this. i tricked the doctors into letting me out i can do the same with my fam and friends. honestly dont see anything else i can try here to change this
     
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