I'm 47. Diagnosed with breast cancer 7 years ago while breast feeding my baby. Did chemo, radiation, and the cancer hasn't been back. Husband of 26 years started an affair with an ex girlfriend a year after chemo was done. 3 years ago he started divorce proceedings. Children, 8 and 11, are confused, spending alternating days/week-ends at their parents. I'm 47. Until the cancer/divorce, I was a happy person. Now I can't be happy. I've been to a therapist, I'm on fluoxetine, which helps. I can smile and act extraordinarily happy for my friends, who would describe me as a giggly, happy person (believe it or not). I want to blow my brains out. Imo my kids will be happier with one parent than they are with two, alternating days at their parents. They'll certainly be happier than they would be if they combined alternating days with watching their mom die of cancer. They do not need me for emotional/financial well being, as their dad, who turned out to be a lousy husband, is in fact an excellent dad. I can leave them with him and not worry about their future. There is no pleasure in life. I have high pain tolerance, so guns and knives don't scare me. I genuinely believe that my kids will be better off without me. Being an immigrant, out of touch with the Old World, there's no family to cry after me. The only thing that is a deterrent is the fear of hell. However, if God loves us, surely He won't send us to hell to suffer for all eternity. And if He loves us so little that that is a serious concern...well, then, what's the point, anyway? We're not loved. You know, I joined this site and wrote the above self-pitying nonsense because I figured that if I did all that, the feeling would go away. It hasn't. Does that mean I'll really do it one day? I'm terrified that I'm not terrified.