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Need help, like everyone else

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I'm 47. Diagnosed with breast cancer 7 years ago while breast feeding my baby. Did chemo, radiation, and the cancer hasn't been back. Husband of 26 years started an affair with an ex girlfriend a year after chemo was done. 3 years ago he started divorce proceedings. Children, 8 and 11, are confused, spending alternating days/week-ends at their parents.

I'm 47. Until the cancer/divorce, I was a happy person. Now I can't be happy. I've been to a therapist, I'm on fluoxetine, which helps. I can smile and act extraordinarily happy for my friends, who would describe me as a giggly, happy person (believe it or not).

I want to blow my brains out. Imo my kids will be happier with one parent than they are with two, alternating days at their parents. They'll certainly be happier than they would be if they combined alternating days with watching their mom die of cancer. They do not need me for emotional/financial well being, as their dad, who turned out to be a lousy husband, is in fact an excellent dad. I can leave them with him and not worry about their future.

There is no pleasure in life. I have high pain tolerance, so guns and knives don't scare me. I genuinely believe that my kids will be better off without me. Being an immigrant, out of touch with the Old World, there's no family to cry after me.

The only thing that is a deterrent is the fear of hell. However, if God loves us, surely He won't send us to hell to suffer for all eternity. And if He loves us so little that that is a serious concern...well, then, what's the point, anyway? We're not loved.

You know, I joined this site and wrote the above self-pitying nonsense because I figured that if I did all that, the feeling would go away. It hasn't. Does that mean I'll really do it one day? I'm terrified that I'm not terrified.
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Staff Alumni

First, welcome to the site, we are glad your here....and want you to know you can seek refuge in us anytime....we truly do understand how it feels to be feeling the way you are...and no...just because it didnt make you feel better by writing it, doesnt mean your gonna do it.....I am truly sorry for all of your sorrows, life has really given you a tough hand to play....but you need to know that even though your children have a good dad, doesnt ever replace thier mom.....they will always need you....please keep that in mind....just want you to know we're here for you....and your not alone with how you feel....stick around a bit....lest see if we cant help you feel a little better and maybe even make some new friends in the process.....my prayers go out to you....
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