Hi everyone, I feel this is my last try at getting some help. I just want to die so bad and I want all the pain to stop. I've dealt with alot of trauma in my life and no matter what I do, I can't get over all the bad things that have happened. I can't move on from the painful things that I have experienced. I guess the final straw was when my mother died 8 years ago.I miss her and I just want to go and be with her again. I will never be happy in this life so why not just leave? I have seen a doctor and was put on medication (prozac and ativan) this was when my mom passed away and the Dr. took me off the ativan about 2 years ago. I'm on a disability and have been since 2000. The Dr. said I am bipolar and all he wants to do is put me on mood stabilizers, which I refuse to take. I don't like the side effects (gaining weight) so I will not take them. I feel bad enough about the way I look and don't want to go through all that. I have not been taking the prozac but I have been taking soma for 17 months and average at least 20 a day. I'm hoping my liver will give out or I'll just go to sleep and never wake up.<mod edit:shygirl asking for method> All I think about is dying and honestly I already feel dead inside but my body keeps going. I know it's not going to get any better. Even though deep down in my heart and soul I would like for it to. Well thanks to all who may take the time to read this. I have been thinking that I will go on my moms birthday which is in 2 months, it's just over for me and has been for along time. Peace to everyone.