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need help w/my relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by keem, Oct 9, 2009.

  1. keem

    keem New Member

    Hey everyone - I'm not entirely sure if this is the right place for me to come with this issue, but I've never dealt with this before and need advise from people who understand.

    Last month I married an absolutely wonderful man. However, there are some difficulties because he was previously married to a girl who committed suicide. They were only married for 5 months, and it wasn't a very good relationship. She had tried to kill herself on numerous occasions and also struggled with substance abuse. She finally did it last October, the day after my husband told her he wanted to separate.

    He was able to heal and move on from this, and in January of this year we started dating, and in May of this year, he proposed to me, and we got married a month ago. Unfortunately, some people, mostly friends of the former wife, have not been very accepting of me, and I'm constantly comparing myself to the former wife, trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong or need to do better so these people will not be upset by our love.

    Well Monday is the anniversary of her death. My husband wants to go to her hometown and visit her parents and pay respects at her gravesite. He has asked me to go with him and meet the parents. I'm really not sure how to feel about this. I guess it's his way of telling them everything is okay, but would they really want to meet me?

    I hope this post made sense.. I'm really confused and not sure how I should be feeling or acting. I'm just trying to be a supportive wife...

    Thanks in advance for your help.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    First and foremost, you will only hurt yourself if you go out of your way to get the other people to accept you. Only time will bring about their acceptance. In the meantime, just be polite.

    In my depressive state I cannot give you an answer about your husband wanting you to go pay respects. I would not be able to go.

  3. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Can I say first of all, you sound lovely :). And its clear how much you love your new hubby, just by coming on here to ask for help.

    You dont need anyone elses approval, they are not your friends so you dont need to justify your love to them. Your husband choose you and he is all your need to worry about.

    As for going to the former wifes hometown, i think you should. The womans parents cared for their daughter, their daughter cared for her husband so therefore her parents probably care for him and by meeting you they will see that he is happy again and will probably be extremely happy for him. Would I be right?

    Im just thinking about my life. If anything ever happened me. And my partner found a new love, my parents would feel so much joy that he was able to move on with his life. My parents would be sooooo happy for him. They would probably feel stuck with grief in their own lifes and feel so happy because he was able to move on from the hurt. It would make them so happy.

    If I were you, I would go down to her hometown not for my own benefits but for my husbands because he feels the need to pay his respects and will need your support. He will love you even more for it. BUT do tell him that you are nervous about it but also be strong for him, his heart will probably be pumping twice as first as yours, due to nerves.

    Hope this helps.
  4. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    I agree pretty much with the above 2 posts. I mean, if there isnt anything wrong between you and your husband's relationship, why change anything? I know you'd want to fit in better with them, but they've set their own expectations of you and they shouldnt be... their fault, not yours. Id also go with him and pay respects. I mean, it's showing you are respecting her and do care, and that in itself might change some ppl's opinion about you.
  5. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    I was just thinking about your situation again. And i have one other thing to add. If you do decide to go to the womans hometown just they to blend in, fall into the background but be supportive to your husband. He is going to be introducing you now as his wife while he is at his last wives anniversary so that may be strange to other people. As much as other people will be interested in you and lets face the fact that you may be talked about by the busy bodies, make sure the event still stays about the grief that people feel. Okay im making it sound weird, but do you get what im trying to say? Like the people that you have mentioned already, her friends, that dont except you which is their problem not yours but clearly its having an affect on you so you dont want to provoke anymore ill feelings.

    Your husband was so lucky and strong to get over what happened and moved on very well and to his luck found you :) but others might have old fashioned judgment on that, ya know and will form wrongful opinions of you.

    So if I were in your situation id try to fall into the background, so people know I was there but wouldnt think I was there for the wrong reasons. Does that make sense to anyone???

    Anyway, I think your lovely and I hope it goes well whatever you decide :)
  6. nightflames

    nightflames New Member

    hi Keem... wow.. I guess that sounds complicated...
    even myself got confused with it..he should've think
    first whether it's okay... on the part of the parents.

    but I think your husband got his own purpose of why he is
    doing that... (bringing you to her former wife's home)....
  7. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    It sounds like everyone is giving you great advice already, so I will just chime in with my 2 cents. It sounds to me like you need to stop comparing yourself to his former wife. You are you, and it's obvious that he likes you otherwise he wouldn't have married you. It is a tough situation, but you shouldn't change who you are to make his friends like you. The most important person in your life already likes you, and that's all that should really matter. Be yourself. He likes you, and if they are really his friends they will accept you too. I hope that helped a little, you sound like you needed some motivation :)