Need help walking away

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by HesTheProblem, Oct 6, 2016.

  1. HesTheProblem

    HesTheProblem New Member

    First of all, I'm so nervous to write this. I'm scared of the responses I'll receive but I know I need to hear something.

    I've been dealing with depression for the past couple of years. I used to be so alive and full of energy. I had friends and drew people to me. I was always smiling and making people laugh. Now I'm socially awkward, I've cut all my friends off and I don't allow anybody to get too close to me. And its all because of the man I'm with.

    He's naturally negative. He's like a leech that sucks all the positivity out of the air. When he enters the room, people hold their breath. Everyone knows how he is. I knew how he was from day one and still, I fell in love. I've always been the helping type. I thought if I loved him enough, he would see the world in a new light. I thought eventually my good spirit would rub off on him..but actually the exact opposite is happening. He's rubbed off on me.

    My kids notice it. I yell at them more. Its effecting them. I don't want them to see me like this. I don't want them to think I take pleasure in yelling at them.

    I know the simple and logical thing to do is to just walk away, but I've given him so much of me. Every time I try to walk away, he lures me back but when he breaks up with me (we do this often) its over until he says its not.

    I'm tired. I'm so confused. I just don't understand how someone can be so cruel and coldhearted to someone who has done nothing but love and support them. Today he broke up with me (again) and said so many hurtful things. He told me he hated me, he never loved me and he hopes that I die. He's wished death on me before and once again...Like an idiot, I forgave him. I'm tired of forgiving him.

    I want it to be over for good. I'm tired of hurting but I know once he "cools down" he'll be right back.

    How do I say no? How do I leave?

    Also, i told him about my suicidal thoughts today and he told me to do it. He didn't try to help or comfort me, he told me to do it. Its obvious he knows nothing about depression. I know he can't feel this pain I feel but I wish he could.

    Sorry if I'm rambling I'm just so lost and confused. If I didn't have children I wouldn't be typing this right now. I just want to be happy again, I want to go back to being the fun mom I used to be and I want the courage to be done with him. Sometimes I wish my heart wasn't so big... It truly is a gift and a curse.

    Also I have zero friends and my family is in another state so I don't have any type of support system. I just want to know what I should do?

    Amy suggestions on NOT falling into his trap and forgiving him??
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey there and welcome to the forum, that sounds like a pretty toxic relationship and very one sided. There are people out there that are like "psychic vampires" you can feel them draining your energy by just being near them. He sounds like he may fit in this category. He's also sounds abusive and uncaring by the things he says to you. Personally I couldn't deal with this, life's difficult enough without living with this negativity. If it were me, I'd be putting some distance between myself and this person. Maybe even consider moving back closer to your family.
    Take care
  3. lillium

    lillium Active Member

    Lots of women fall into the trap of wanting to "help" men who can't really be helped, and don't deserve to be helped. At the end of the day, people have to want to change. He does not want to change. He will run hot and cold, again and again, just sweet enough to bring you back. you cannot take the easy route. At this point it sounds to me like he has worn down your sense of self worth to the point that you don't respect yourself enough to leave when he is literally telling you to kill yourself. Those are not the words of someone who loves or respects you. He is using you. I can understand the shock- how could he not care? could there be something about you that is worthy of not caring about? NO. He is not normal. He is missing a big part of him, there is a gaping hole where his sense of empathy should be. He probably has a very seriously warped value system related to women's role in his life.

    This is not a safe situation for your children to grow up in. You need to protect them.
    Can you get in contact with your family? Do you think you or your children are in physical danger?
    SomeGuy77 and HesTheProblem like this.
  4. HesTheProblem

    HesTheProblem New Member

    Thanks for your response Brian and I definitely agree with putting some space in between us, the problem is even though I KNOW this in my head, I still let him back in. Its like I close the window so he can't come back through, but I never lock it so he climbs through anyway. I know I need to be tougher but I honestly don't know how. And he knows this. Thanks again.
  5. lillium

    lillium Active Member

    I've also heard lots of good things about the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Haven't read it myself yet. It talks about the cycle of abuse, and the psychology of men who abuse, how to get out safely, how to spot the warning signs, etc.
  6. HesTheProblem

    HesTheProblem New Member

    Thanks for your response... Idk if I quoted this right, first time on here... But yes my mom, stepfather and sisters are actually moving where I am next month. I don't think my kids are in any physical danger but he's almost gotten physical with me twice. Very scary incidents where it's like he blanked out and all I saw was evil in his eyes and his words are like venom. Its mostly verbal abuse. Calling me stupid and retarded even though I'm the one being rational and reasonable. Calling me promiscuous names even though I've NEVER cheated, never even THOUGHT about cheating and would be too scared to cheat. He doesn't even have reason to accuse me of cheating. Its the words that eat me alive. I'm extremely sensitive.

    Your words brought me to tears. I'm so happy I'm getting an outside perspective, I really think this might be the push I need to let it go. As much as he makes me want to end my life at times, I'm literally all my kids have. I could never be that selfish.
  7. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hello, HesTheProblem,

    I'm sorry to read what you're going through.

    You've got traumatic bonding going on. (Also called Stockholm syndrome or betrayal bonding.) When people treat you well (or pretend to) and then treat you badly, back and forth, back and forth--especially if you find there's fear involved--a much stronger attachment bond gets created than normal. It doesn't mean you love him more. It means the bond was formed under conditions of threat, so you're clinging even when you know you should leave. Bonds like this are not healthy in any way. I repeat, they're not "love," no matter what they feel like on occasion.

    For your children's sake and your own, you need to find the strength to escape. It's easier said than done, which is why so many women (you included, now) return to these types of relationships. I've done it myself (to my astonishment and horror).

    Support can help. Contact a local women's shelter and speak to a counsellor. Start putting together a plan to get yourself and your children away. I know that with depression this will sound really tough--but your depression will heal once you get away. It can't heal in conditions of intermittent threat and emotional abuse, where you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop (and, in the meantime, getting confused when he seems nice, normal even, and you go back to feeling compassionate towards him). Compassion is normally a great thing, but in these relationships, it's a trap.

    You will find (as you have) that the relationship has isolated you. You will find that your confidence has been torpedoed. You will find yourself defending indefensible behaviour and wondering what's happened to you. You will find yourself minimizing the abuse and perhaps getting so used to it that (on the surface, at least) it barely ruffles you anymore. This is all part of the pattern.

    It's difficult to get away. But as I'm writing this, some woman, somewhere (or man, as is sometimes the case) is making the effort and figuring out how to get out one last time. Making the calls. Planning the exit. Planning the future, a step at a time (often with professional help). And also as I'm writing this, these people, further along, are realizing that, this time, they've succeeded. They've got their lives back. They're no longer trapped. They've got a future again, and safety, and dreams.

    There are various ways of doing this. It's time to figure out which one may finally work for you.
    lillium and SomeGuy77 like this.
  8. SomeGuy77

    SomeGuy77 Member

    I fully agree with JustCan'tQuit. Sounds like you've gotten used to him, it's not love. You just fear being alone, but once you take that step of moving away from him for good it will immediately start feeling better. You will feel strong and free because you dared standing up to 'yourself', you did something you hadn't done before, and that will make you change for the better. It is OK to say NO, one shouldn't be too nice, love and respect yourself.

    It's not about him, it's about you. He is what he is, he cannot change that, he deserves to be with someone like himself so that he too can learn from that, Karma if you will... Think of him as an obstacle or challenge for you to grow stronger once you leave him for good.
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I agree. This is not love. This is a poisoned relationship. A dangerous relationship. For both you and the kids. You really do need to get away. You said family is moving to where you are next month. I was actually going to suggest that you relocate to a new city if possible. Really put some miles between this man and yourself. But with family moving near you that may not sound like a good idea. But could you move in with your family. They would provide some protection for you. Maybe get a restraining order against your husband. Especially since he has encouraged suicide. And always remember those good times you had before this man came into your life. You can have those times again. You just have to dump this loser. There is a better man out there for you.
  10. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    I have the same problem. Im in a toxic relationship. I tell him to go but physically feel like im going to die if he does. So I pull him back. The push/pull effect. Its like theres an invisible cord somewhere... I know its wrong the relationship is bad, my kids dont like him, but the sheer panic I feel about being abandoned makes me ignore it all. I dont know what to say to make it better, just know your not alone xxxx
  11. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi @HesTheProblem ,

    I can relate to your problem. Though mine has improved. I am with a very negative men, been together 3 and a half years. I've been through the ups and downs of his hatred, tantrums, silent treatments then the "honeymoon" period where he tells me everything I want to hear and I forgive him, always have hope that he'll change when he realizes how good I am, how loving, caring and forgiving. He went through times when he "broke up" with me every few weeks, then ignored me for days. I was left in emotional turmoil. I was managing my mental illnesses really well, but his emotional abuse brought me right back down again, I started cutting, I was terribly depressed, panic attacks came back, my self esteem dove and I just felt so trapped because I couldn't leave him (financial woes). I know that people mean well when they say to leave him, move on etc...but I've put a lot into my relationship and I don't want to break up my little "fur" family either. I am isolated myself, but not because of the relationship, I choose the life of a semi-hermit, but that makes it hard because he's the one who hurts me so much, and when he offers comfort after, I need it so I'm willing to set everything aside and forgive.

    At the time (things are better now), I knew that 75% of the time, he was the man I wanted to be with. 25% of the time I resented him, but still loved him and didn't want to leave him.When I needed to vent, I came here. I took some self-therapy workshops online where I learned to detach. I detached physically - meaning I spent more time alone and not together. I did lots on my own and limited my together-time with him, even during good periods. It was hard, and it's not done negatively. It's an attempt to gain independence and not rely on him so much. Plus it gives him alone time, and also (at least in my case) he realized I don't really need him that much.

    The hard part was detaching emotionally. But this was the most important part. I no longer told him my troubles, if he started picking on me and ranting, I simply listened, agreed, walked away. I tried very hard not to let him bait me into an argument, because no matter what he always has to be the right one, the winner, even kicking me when I'm down. He's a monster when his anger gets out of control. So this detachment had a good effect on both of us.

    He started to become a better man. But he's not perfect either. We've just found out he has Aspergers, that with his ADD and depression explains lots of his behaviour so I'm being even more understanding. At least this time he's more aware of his behaviour and why it happens, so he can work on it. Does your bf have mental illness?

    Anyway, things were good. Then, he had a meltdown and started the emotional abuse again last weekend. What my detachment therapy did for me was strengthen me. Yes, I was emotionally devastated at the usual hatred, anger and threats, but this time, I didn't give in. I didn't forgive and I didn't be the one to bend over backwards. I stood my ground with confidence, not spite and it was something he noticed and he fixed things. But...if he hadn't fixed things, I was finally strong enough to ask him to leave.

    It's so hard to just up and leave when your heart is so profoundly in the mix. It takes some courage and self-confidence building first. Walking out in a fit of emotions has terrible side effects and likely regrets, thus the always forgiving out of doubt, guilt and a desperation for harmony and love. If you can strengthen your self-esteem, build some confidence and independence, then you will most likely be able to see things differently. Either that he's worth being patient for, or that he will never change and you can leave with your head held high.

    Anyway, sorry for the novel, but I know what works for me, and I'm glad to share it if it might help in any possible way.

  12. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hi @HesTheProblem

    It may surprise you that I also agree with everything that Frances just wrote. It's hard to leave if you're isolated; developing emotional detachment and the ability to sidestep adding to fights is critical; and it may take a while before you have the self-confidence to go.

    The thing is, your partner appears to be a considerable risk, and if he's a risk for physical abuse, that's a huge risk indeed. You have to consider the amount of danger you could be in. You may need to gather your strength and go now, or you may feel you have a window of time in which to prepare yourself.

    I wish you the best.

    Frances M likes this.
  13. moxman

    moxman Rosie is a wonderful woman, and an awesome person. Forum Pro

    Hello, HTP, I am Mox

    Welcome to SF. When you are here you are safe. No one will judge you. No one will ridicule you. When you are, we will give you emotional support and lots of *hugs. I read your story, if you would like to read mine feel free, it is below in green.

    I agree with everything said above. @Frances M gives out amazing advice.

    One issue that I am not clear on is the kids. Are they his kids? What is that whole situation?

    You mentioned that you feel suicidal sometimes. Do you understand why we feel suicidal? I am suicidal too. If you don't know, I could explain it to you. It may help you understand how you are feeling.

    Besides the EX-bf. What else is going on in your life? What other stressful/painful situations are you dealing with?

    You mentioned , that you guys broke up several times before. How does he handle the breakups? Does he call you and harass you? Does he threaten you via text messages or anything like that? Do you two have any type of shared property or other concerns ending the relationship with him would be an issue?

    I wish you the best, you sound like a very nice person. If you ever need to chat, just IM/PM me anytime.

    Take Care
    Frances M likes this.
  14. troubledmind

    troubledmind Active Member

    Hello!! I agree with the others that you are in a toxic relationship.. You need to file a restraing order against him.. Record all his phone calls and text messages.. My neice just went threw this with her ex and the recordings were iceing on the cake.. Are the children safe?? Keep us informed so we can be there for you!! Take Care!!