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Need help

#1
Hi,
I'm 52 and just can't take anymore.
I can't even bring myself to write my story in full.
I have nothing.
I've just lost my girlfriend, job and need somewhere to live .
I just can't face another new start, I don't know where to start.
Without money I'll end up in a house share and the ones by me are vile especially the ones that's accept DSS.
My anxiety is sky high, my depression won't go and living in one of these will definitely send me over the edge.
In the last few years I have tried and tried.
I cared for a friend for ten years while working.
I then cared for my mom for 5 while working two part time jobs.
I cared for her through a heart condition, Alzheimers and cancer.
My family refused to help but when my mom got cancer they kicked me out and tried to care for her knowing she wouldn't have long and feeling guilty.
I can't begin to even start to tell you what they had done before all that and since. Some of the most horrible stuff you could do to someone.
It culminated in them stealing my inheritance off me 40/50k.
I haven't got anything and these people own their own houses and have plenty of money.
I rented a nice house last year and needed a lodger so I let a friend move in.
It lasted 9 months, he ended up ripping me off for my last £1500 and ended up putting me in debt as he stopped paying his rent and I had to find it.
Also used my credit card behind my back.
I then moved in with an old friend but it's run its course.
She doesn't want me here.
I'm quiet, clean & tidy and pay my rent on time but she'll always find something to have a go at me .
It's draining, I hate being here.
I lost my job last week and she says I can't claim benefits here so I have to get out.
And as I said the only option horrifies me because of my health.
My girlfriend finished with me 10 days ago and won't speak to me.
Apparently I'm an amazing person, I couldn't have done more for her , I made her feel special everyday and she loves me.
And the week before she finished with me she wanted me to move in with her.
Then all of a sudden a week later she can't be in a relationship using the it's not me it's you line.
I could accept this as she has a lot going on and has not been very well herself.
But the exact same thing happened with my girlfriend before her. She took me to see a surprise house the week before she used the line.
So, to me, it's obvious, it's me not them.
Spent so many years on my own, so much pain and heartache.
Doesn't matter how hard I try it all ends up in a mess and me feeling like this.
Over and over , it's the one true constant in my life.
I try to be a good person and I'm have a lot of friends and I am well liked.
Having friends or not though, they can't ultimately save me even with their support, they have their own families to think about.
Ultimately I'm on my own.
Spent most of my life feeling/being alone.
The little confidence I have is shot.
So, I'm looking at living in a hmo, having to take a minimum wage factory job if I'm lucky.
While facing life alone again.
My fight has gone after years and years of pain and things going wrong.
I'm so close to using my credit cards, getting a train somewhere but with the intention of not coming home.
Plans I've had in my head for years and add a bit every time I hit a low.
I only ever hit lows when the situation goes wrong but unfortunately my life has been littered with disappointment and sadness, I'm not a lucky person.
I know there are people worse off but you can only walk in your own shoes.
I've never really wanted to die even when I've thought about things in the past but my fight has gone and I don't really care anymore.
I can't face the pain and loneliness ahead , I'm lost, helpless and hopeless.
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#2
@Jase68 . Sorry to find you in a difficult situation. Your only option at present is house share. Take up any job for the time being. And keep looking for a job that suits you. Don't deal with people who don't care for you. You will be better off without them. Take it easy for few weeks that lay ahead. Would you be inclined to seek a counselor? Counseling will help you. If you have the money go ahead. If you don't have money wait till you saved some. Sorry about loss of your mom. Bad times don't last forever. Hang in there, don't lose hope. People here are good, you can always talk with them. They will give you advice and moral support. Hang in there.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Hey, welcome to SF. I'm sorry you're feeling so low, I can read the pain in what you write. You've been through an awful lot, and it can be hard to really think objectively when we're hurting so much. It can feel like things are hopeless, but that doesn't make that so. You sometimes just have to hold on one day at a time to find your way forward. Stick around, we're here to listen. *hug
 
#4
Thank you for your replies.
I've tried looking today for work and housing and the situation is more dire than I thought.
And when I look it just fills me with more dread.
Work is nearly non existent and the only inhabitable rooms are for working people.
I think I need to get signed off for a bit to sort my head but then I'll have nowhere to live.
I've been reaching out all week but I know I'm just worrying people.
I really feel hopeless.
Not eating properly, can't sleep properly, upset stomach, I'm all over the place.
I hate sounding like this, all I've ever wanted is to be happy.
I've had fleeting moments in the last 25 years but then I have to pay back 10 fold.
It's like I'm always punished for it.
Most people would never believe I'm like this inside.
I don't look it, I take pride in my appearance and I put in a brave face, fake it to make it!
But I'm fed up of faking it now.
I take responsibility that I have contributed to my downfall at times but also I don't think with how I've been for years I totally deserve to be where I am.
I hate sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself but the pain inside I'm feeling is not good.
 
Last edited:

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#5
I hear you and feel for you having travelled the same path before now. *brohug

The worst thing you can do is let it play over and over in your mind as this will stop you moving forward in any shape or form, and yet this is easier said than done because the scars are fresh. Though it's hard try not to contact the girlfriend and give some space.

What you could do though is give your self a break, I've done this a few times in my past and changed direction. I learnt so much about other people and cultures that it's now invaluable. Check out the link and take it easy buddy https://www.helpx.net/
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
It doesn't sound to me like you're feeling sorry for yourself, just that you're hurting.

Do you have a caseworker working on finding you low-income housing? Or is it just that there isn't much available? Some places really are shit for that, but hopefully there are stones left to turn. As GMody suggests, maybe another roommate situation? I hope something can work out soon. *hug
 
#7
I don't have a case worker as I've never needed one.
All my times of anxiety and depression have always been situational.
It's just I've had upset after upset for the last ten years so it's been a regular occurrence
I've had it over the years but the last ten have been awful at times.
No matter how low I've been in reaction to what had happened I always worked and got through things.
I haven't had to claim benefits for 20 years.
I applied for a couple of jobs yesterday and I'm calling my doctors today.
I don't feel any different to yesterday.
The feeling of be overwhelmed and helplessness makes me feel sick in the stomach.
Spending the whole day yesterday and seeing how limited my options are is terrifying to me.
My disappearing thoughts are still strong.
It seems like a valid option and seems like a better option than most of the others I have.
 

MosesY

Well-Known Member
#8
I know the feeling of tough times. I went through about the same situation last year in November. No job, faced with not have the money to pay my rent, nobody cared about me. I had the same twist in my stomach as you do now. The same agonizing days and what was worse the nights. I have made a covenant with myself that I will not end my life. I was ready to live in my car and leave all my things behind. Things ended up working out; I got a job, I was able to catch up on all my bills, and life is good right now. I really feel for your situation; you are at the lowest of the low right now and I pray that things will be better for you.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#9
Ah, from context I was gathering DSS is some kind of housing assistance so thought you might have a caseworker for that.

I'm glad you're taking steps forward, even your heart isn't in it right now. Sometimes that's all we can do is just keep existing, and wait for something to lift. I hope your doctor can help you get some help. I don't think disappearing is your best option, and I'm sure the people who care about you would agree with me. *hug
 

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