Before I write this or you read this, I would just like to say that I have basically given up hope that anyone can help me. I don't expect you to read this, as it will be quite lengthy, and I don't expect you to care. I am just putting this out there so I can at least say I tried. Ok. Heregoes... I am new here. I have suffered from depression for a long time. As long as I can remember really. I have tried to go to doctors a couple times...been prescribed Lexapro and Cymbalta, neither of which I found to work for me. I quit taking them after a couple months because, while at first they made me feel better, the effect soon wore off and I was back where I started. Not wanting to become a permanent patient of the medicine, I quit it. Probably not the smartest thing I've ever done, but I can't take it back now. I've also attempted suicide once and had my stomach pumped. This was a horrible experience for me. All I can remember in half consciousness is the doctor asking me if I liked what was happening and if it was fun because I did it to myself, then threatening to call the authorities. Although in a haze of drugs and hooked up to machines, I forced myself to full consciousness. I pulled all the tubes out of me and stumbled out of the hospital afraid and humiliated. Fast forward five years and here I am now. More depressed than I've ever been...and it's getting worse. I stay away from everyone including the people who care about me because I hate everyone. I feel like people aren't going to like me anyways, so I might as well hate them first. I told myself I'd never try suicide again, but each day the urge becomes stronger. I wish I knew what was going on inside my head, but I don't. People tell me I am throwing a pity party, or that I need to take control of my feelings but believe me...I wish I could so bad. Like I choose to live like this or something. I'm tired of everything. Tired of struggling. Tired of feeling like this. Just tired. I don't want to deal with doctors...or medicine. I just want to be gone. Plain and simple. At the same time, I want to live...but it seems like too much trouble. I feel like I will never be normal. I will never live a day without feeling like this. I have come to accept it. I also feel bad about feeling this way because my life really isn't that bad. There are people that have it alot worse than I do. I know this, but I still can't stop feeling the way I feel. Don't get me wrong. My life isn't luxurious by any means. I don't own anything of my own. I live in my parents house, I am in my mid 20s. My credit is already bad because of decisions I made when I was young. Nothing is in my name...not my car, not my phone. I don't even have a bed to sleep in. I sleep on the floor. I feel worthless. My personal business is going into the ground because of my depression. The only thing I love in this life is my girlfriend who really cares about me alot. She is very supportive of everything I do. The problem is that she just doesn't understand. Whenever I try to tell her whats going on, we always end up fighting about it because she makes me feel bad for being depressed. She says things like, "you need to stop this" and "quit throwing a pity party" and things like that. Its much more than she realizes. More than I realize. I've basically given up on getting anyone to understand. I feel like I am in a hole that I will never get out of. With all that said...if you actually took the time to read this, I am sorry. There is not much you can do for me. The only person that can fix this problem is me. And I have no idea where to even begin to start. My mind is so messed up its better to just erase it and start over, I feel. This is something I haven't tried though. Talking to others who understand. I have nothing else to lose I guess and it's one of my last options.