Need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by helpme, Jul 9, 2009.

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  1. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Before I write this or you read this, I would just like to say that I have basically given up hope that anyone can help me. I don't expect you to read this, as it will be quite lengthy, and I don't expect you to care. I am just putting this out there so I can at least say I tried.

    Ok. Heregoes...

    I am new here. I have suffered from depression for a long time. As long as I can remember really. I have tried to go to doctors a couple times...been prescribed Lexapro and Cymbalta, neither of which I found to work for me. I quit taking them after a couple months because, while at first they made me feel better, the effect soon wore off and I was back where I started. Not wanting to become a permanent patient of the medicine, I quit it. Probably not the smartest thing I've ever done, but I can't take it back now.

    I've also attempted suicide once and had my stomach pumped. This was a horrible experience for me. All I can remember in half consciousness is the doctor asking me if I liked what was happening and if it was fun because I did it to myself, then threatening to call the authorities. Although in a haze of drugs and hooked up to machines, I forced myself to full consciousness. I pulled all the tubes out of me and stumbled out of the hospital afraid and humiliated.

    Fast forward five years and here I am now. More depressed than I've ever been...and it's getting worse. I stay away from everyone including the people who care about me because I hate everyone. I feel like people aren't going to like me anyways, so I might as well hate them first. I told myself I'd never try suicide again, but each day the urge becomes stronger. I wish I knew what was going on inside my head, but I don't. People tell me I am throwing a pity party, or that I need to take control of my feelings but believe me...I wish I could so bad. Like I choose to live like this or something. I'm tired of everything. Tired of struggling. Tired of feeling like this. Just tired.

    I don't want to deal with doctors...or medicine. I just want to be gone. Plain and simple. At the same time, I want to live...but it seems like too much trouble. I feel like I will never be normal. I will never live a day without feeling like this. I have come to accept it.

    I also feel bad about feeling this way because my life really isn't that bad. There are people that have it alot worse than I do. I know this, but I still can't stop feeling the way I feel. Don't get me wrong. My life isn't luxurious by any means. I don't own anything of my own. I live in my parents house, I am in my mid 20s. My credit is already bad because of decisions I made when I was young. Nothing is in my name...not my car, not my phone. I don't even have a bed to sleep in. I sleep on the floor. I feel worthless. My personal business is going into the ground because of my depression. The only thing I love in this life is my girlfriend who really cares about me alot. She is very supportive of everything I do. The problem is that she just doesn't understand. Whenever I try to tell her whats going on, we always end up fighting about it because she makes me feel bad for being depressed. She says things like, "you need to stop this" and "quit throwing a pity party" and things like that. Its much more than she realizes. More than I realize. I've basically given up on getting anyone to understand.

    I feel like I am in a hole that I will never get out of.

    With all that said...if you actually took the time to read this, I am sorry.
    There is not much you can do for me. The only person that can fix this problem is me. And I have no idea where to even begin to start. My mind is so messed up its better to just erase it and start over, I feel.

    This is something I haven't tried though. Talking to others who understand. I have nothing else to lose I guess and it's one of my last options.
  2. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I read all this.
    Oh dear, you've been through a lot. I don't know right now what to write, but I want to tell you that your post has been read by someone who care anyway.
  3. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Do you remember any moment in your life when you have not been depressed? If so, stick to it and don't forget how it felt.
    It feels hopeless to be depressed for a long time. I said to my parents just before my hospitalization a year ago that "this is it", but it wasn't. I'm here, and I even feel slighty better!
    Have you tried seeing a therapist? I think you need it... Medication isn't the only treatment available, it's actually just supposed to be a small part of the whole treatment- the real treatment is therapy, going it through.
    Take care :rose:
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Try making a list of good things, no matter how long you've been depressed and down, there will always be some good times you've had in your life, some pleasent suprise or something. Write that on a piece of paper and remember it. It'll help you hold on.
    If you're not already seeing a therapist, i'd advise trying to talk to one, it might help and they might able to prescribe meds to help you deal with the depression.
    Or call a hotline?
    Take care :hug:
  5. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Thanks for the support guys (and gals).

    Times are very hard for me as I'm sure they are for some of you. I have seen 2 therapists for a short time. One of them I saw but I stopped going to him because his answer to all my problems was for me to find God and shove his religion at me. I don't like that. I believe in God but I am not a Christian. I am private about my religion because I have studied world religions and I have my own views on the subject. I don't like others pushing their religion on me. Especially not my therapist. This put me off to the whole idea and I didn't see another one for a long time.

    The second time I saw a therapist was when I went to an E.R. for suicidal thoughts. This was the second time I went to the hospital for it, but I didn't actually attempt it. I saw a generic therapist there who prescribed me Lexapro. The lexapro made me feel better than I felt in a looooong time. But then that stopped two weeks later. I told my therapist and she said it was normal and that the drugs weren't meant to keep me from getting depressed. Then I thought, well what's the point and I quit seeing her and taking the medicine.

    I've pretty much given up on doctors. I'm tired of spending the money. I can't afford to spend it anymore on a problem that I feel can't be fixed.

    Another problem is that I have trouble talking to anyone about it... especially in person. That goes back to the whole I hate people thing. Its much easier to talk to people online than it is to talk to people close to me. I don't know why. It just is.

    I don't think I really hate people, I think I just hate myself so much that I figure everyone else will hate me too. So I hate them automatically.

    Am I makin any sense here?
  6. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that you are having thoughts about suicide. I know this has been said but calling the hot line really helps. You can talk and its not face to face. They don't put you down. They are there to help you through your crisis. Even if you don't have a crisis they will talk with you. I do call them myself. Hope this helps.
  7. nevertheanswer

    nevertheanswer Active Member

    Thank you for sharing what you feel.

    Well, people are responding to you and you also do your best to reply back, which means that you don't hate automatically. :)

    The best option I guess you could take is talk about everything that you feel. Let it all out. Medications are only temporary (like what you've already experienced). Those therapists could only attack the problem from a scientific point of view; they just give you a list of medicines you should take. But what matters more is the healing of emotions; the physical will come soon after.

    Remember that the only person who can help you is yourself. Respect is needed. Show your loved ones that you are doing what you can to change your situation and they will understand.

    It will all turn out positively. Take care.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have to give medication a fair chance if one meds stop working try another Therapist should not be pushing their beliefs on anyone but there are excellent therapist out there. Search for one that fits your problem and try another one out. It takes time to find someone that fits your personality and problems. People do not heal right away it takes along time with talk therapy with medication coming here and opening up. reaching out to people just try okay. I hate me to but that is why i am getting help to stop hating me. take care come in here anytime to talk and to get support we care here.
  9. chickee

    chickee Active Member

    Just because others have it worse does not mean that you are not entitled to feel bad. My life looks great on paper but somehow it just doesn't make me happy. Look at celebs that are messed up and rich folks who everyone envies.

    I think that once this fog lifts you will feel better. It's hard though because walking through the fog is difficult and even though it's going to get better, you don't see it and don't know it for sure. But it will. It always does.

    I was told this before and I think it's worth repeating: if you are going to kill yourself anyway, why not take some risks like move away? Or take a trip? I mean, as long as you have life left in you it's worth it to play around with it and see if changes make a difference. I often dream of leaving the country and starting over. That's kind of what people seek with suicidal ideation - an escape mechanism. But take that escape mechanism and apply it toward something else. Plan an escape to France where you live and work as a cashier. Or some state you've always wanted to visit. Sometimes thinking that way helps me escape the feelings of death and dread.
  10. helpme

    helpme New Member

    thanks for all the replies. it helps to have people that understand what is going on. I guess that's something I've never really had.

    Chickee, it's funny that you should mention moving away because I think about that all the time. I hate living at my parents house because they push me the worst out of anyone. I know its because they want to see me do well, but at the same time, they provide the most stress in my life out of anyone. They pressure me about paying them money all the time and I feel like they resent me when I can't.

    Mary, I have been on antidepressants more than once. I am just tired of it. And I can't afford a therapist. They're just too expensive. I don't even own anything. I feel like I should get my life where I want it to be before I try therapy but I feel like I need therapy to do that. Kind of a catch 22.

    I have all these ideas of what I want my life to be like. I always think that if I have control of things then everything will be better. But I accomplished that at one point. I had a new car. I had a place to live. I own a business. etc. I had all the confidence in the world. I was doing well, but the depression was still there deep down. And now because of it, I am not doing so well. My self esteem has gone down the toilet with everything else. I don't know why it happened. It just did. It just makes me feel like no matter what I do, I will always be like this.

    I just don't wanna feel like this all the time.
  11. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hey hun :hug: [welcome to sf, first of all]
    maybe chickee's right about moving out - perhaps it would help? it would releive you from a lot of stress and you can still see them when you want :) they seem to care about you.

    therapy, even if it does cost a lot, would be a great idea, and waiting to get your life back in order before you try it out could be a while, and therapy can help you get there anyway :smile: is there any way you can get the money to pay for a therapist?

    atleastyou know you've been there, where you want your life to be :) and you can do it again - you seem very capable. perhaps it was because you thought, after working so hard that because the depression is still there it wasn't worth it? maybe go into it a different way this time, know that once you've achieved everything and got your life on track, that's not just it, you have to keep going :) and fighting the depression could be one way of doing that.

    i hope you feel better soon hun :heart: thinking of you xx
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