Need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aldrei_nog, May 30, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. aldrei_nog

    aldrei_nog New Member

    Sparing you loads of time, I'll sum up my life.
    Born to drug addicted parents
    Rape and abuse
    Domestic Violence
    Bullying at school
    Eating Disorder
    Numerous past suicide attemps followed by institutionalization
    Travelling from one foster family to another

    Now I rent with my boyfriend of 2 years, we never have any money, all our money goes in rent and bills, no job...
    I don't talk to my family, all I have is my boyfriend. I have no friends. I isolate myself at my house.

    On friday me and my boyfriend went downtown drinking. We went to this new bar grand opening, where we met a good friend of mine. I hadn’t seen her for a while, after she had her baby, she has limited free time with friends etc. So we all start drinking together, along with my friends boyfriend and another friend couple. We were inside the bar and decided to go out for a smoke. I was the last person to get out, only the security guards told me I couldn’t exit the bar with a beer, so I had to finish it. By the time I’d finished and got out my friend and my boyfriend were kissing.
    I just went completely blank and numb, but my other friend (girl in the other couple) got really pissed off and knocked her down…. drama drama drama … almost fight…. I got out of there and dragged my shitfaced boyfriend aaway, took a taxi home.

    He passed out in the taxi, and I had to get him into our apartment and in bed. Afterwards I felt very angry, so I cut myself in several places. Then I considered overdosing on pills and just get it over with, just fucking kill myself…. But I decided not to pursue that thought because of what was to happen the day after (I.e. yesterday)

    Today I graduated from the IB program and finished junior college, a huge milestone in life. Instead of it being the happiest day of my life, the memory of my graduation will always be scarred by the memory of my boyfriend of 2 years and apparently ex best friend stabbing me in the back. Thank you.
    And yes stupid me forgave my boyfriend for everything because he was shitfaced and passed out shortly after this and knowing how my friend is, I am rather sure that she initiated the whole thing. Its just how she is.

    Bottom line, lately I've felt very depressed and have been seriously concidering suicice. I know how I'd do it, and I could very easily. However, I want to go to the university and live my life, but after being walked over again and again and again and considering the endless pain inflicted upon my person, I fear that I do not belong in such a place as the world.
    I'm sick and tired of feeling alone and have no one to confide in, I have given up on medication, therapy and instituations, they simply don't work, I have tried, given it my best, but no matter what I do I end up in the same place, with a box of pills in my mouth....

    I have always been quite the misanthrope, and I must say, I have lost all faith in humanity, there isn"t a soul in the world I can trust, I don't want to live in a world like that, surrounded by ignorance and egoism.

    I'm not sure what I will do, but that bpx of pills is very tempting, and I"m struggling to find reasons not to ...

    So much for graduating and trying to lead a decent life....

    Sorry foor the long post, I appriciate it if you took your precios time to read about my trivial problems...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    First of all your problems are not trivial in the least. You made a wonderful effort in your life to graduate and you succeed only to have that precious moment turn to crap...that hurts and hurts bad...nothing trivial about that.
    I will say that is one of the serious problems about alcohol-we don't think clearly on it and do things we later regret in a big way...I rarely drink now for fear of doing something totally stupid and hurting someone ..also when we are sad it seems to make it worse so I stay away from the stuff and caution you to do the same.
    You sound really isolated and that is something that seems to go along with depression. In this sense I am glad you posted so that you can get support and maybe some advice for your situation. We all here have been through so much that the chances of finding someone to relate to you is really high. I know it helps me to have someone that understands and someone I can go talk to..
    Sad to say life seems to be one string of bills to pay and there never seems to be quite enough money around but a lot of that has to do with the economy right now so hang tight and know that you do not struggle alone.
    What happened with your family? Is there any chance of opening up communication there? YOu just seem like you have isolated them from you and that is sad - my family is not the best at supporting me and my depression but knowing they love me does help.
    If you would like to talk I am around and certainly will do what I can to help you. Please stay strong and continue to post so that we can support you, befriend you and so you are not alone.
    Hugs Bambi
  3. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    Be thankful you've got the ability to have a significant other unlike myself. It could be worse. You could have my disease.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.