need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by peanut3174, Aug 15, 2012.

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  1. peanut3174

    peanut3174 Member

    i have a problem and would appreciate any help offered. my wife and i have been married for 13 years, however we are in major difficulty. for the last 5 years i have had a long term chronic illness which has meant that family life has become very difficult. i am in constant pain all the time and can be quite irritable. also means doing things as a family is extremely difficult and most of the time makes my illness worse. this has meant that not only am i depressed due to not being able to spend some proper time with the family. my wife to is now severely depressed and feels like a carer and not my wife. even though i tell her i love her all the time. i am now out of work as unfit for work so money is very tight. my wife developed a friendship with another man (she says women just dont like her). for a while i was fine with that, however have recently found out she is having an affair with this man. i know that she is close to a breakdown. This has been very upsetting for me and is making me want to end my life i love her with all my heart. whenever i try to talk about it she doesnt want to talk about it and will not see a counsellor. she says she loves me and will never leave me but refuses to stop even though it really upsets me. she says she cant stop, it makes her feel normal and special or something i dont know. i have tried telling her how i feel and she knows it upsets me and when she does see him she feels really horrible but wont stop. i dont know what to do anymore i love her with al my heart and dont want to be without her but i cant cope. am i being unreasonable and not a very nice person by trying to stop her seeing this man when she is emotionally very unstable as she needs is or so she says. i dont know what to do just feel its best if im not here anymore then she could have a normal life. any comments on this matter will be appreciated thanks
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Am assuming that your doctor is doing everything possible to get your pain under control and if not, why not!

    This is an awful situation, as I can see both sides of it.
    Unfortunately, some people crack under the pressure of a partner having a long term illness and an affair can make them feel normal, if only for a while.

    The only answer I can supply is to see your doctor and nag him/her about pain control.
    If you could get the pain under control your mood will improve and you will be able to be more of a family man.

    I hope you can get some relief from the never ending pain and that your wife will see that its the pain that makes you unlike yourself and not a lack of love.
  3. peanut3174

    peanut3174 Member

    thankyou unfortunately my gp has sent me for millions of tests and tried all medicines on offer and have tried alternative therapies such as hypnotherapy,acupuncture, homeopathy and loads of other methods and nothing has worked
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    There are no easy solutions to this issue. Even if your wife won't go to counseling, you may benefit from it. You have to decide what you are willing to live with. Do you wish to stay in a marriage such as you have now? Does your wife have feeling for this man or is the relationship a "friends with benefits" type situation. It really is something she needs to discuss with you. It is hard to talk about something when you feel you are doing something wrong. I am sure she doesn't want to hurt you and by refusing to talk about it she is attempting to ignore the problem. The bottom line is can you stay with her if she chooses to continue having this affair. My grandmother and grandfather celebrated 50 years of marriage before my grandmother died. They did love each other, but she fell for someone else as well and actually moved him into their home for awhile. My grandfather knew about it, but decided he would rather live with things that way than leave her. He was the one that stood by her when her body became ravaged with cancer. He never told anyone he was also sick. The day after we buried her, he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with bone, lung, and brain cancer. He lived 2 short months after she died. So he loved her and chose to stay. that might not be what is right for you, but it is an alternative.
  5. peanut3174

    peanut3174 Member

    i appreciate this thankyou i do see a counsellor but my counsellor is away. think my wifes situation is a friend with benefits situation. i want to stay with her as i love her but my mental health is also not good and i am struggling with how to cope with it. if i could maybe get my head around it maybe i could cope with it better thank you for your thoughts, just wish i knew how to cope with it as its also making my chronic illness worse. i havent been able to see a way out
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry that this is happening. can you describe your health problems in greater detail?
  7. peanut3174

    peanut3174 Member

    i have a permanent migraine which causes me to collapse constantly wit migraine dizziness plus several slipped discs in my back disclocated knee which also chronically dislocates as well as a smashed right index finger which no longer bends and have tried all the medicines on offer as well as acupuncture homeopathy counselling numerous things
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