need help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by peanut3174, Aug 15, 2012.

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  1. peanut3174

    peanut3174 Member

    i have a problem and would appreciate any help offered. my wife and i have been married for 13 years, however we are in major difficulty. for the last 5 years i have had a long term chronic illness which has meant that family life has become very difficult. i am in constant pain all the time and can be quite irritable. also means doing things as a family is extremely difficult and most of the time makes my illness worse. this has meant that not only am i depressed due to not being able to spend some proper time with the family. my wife to is now severely depressed and feels like a carer and not my wife. even though i tell her i love her all the time. i am now out of work as unfit for work so money is very tight. my wife developed a friendship with another man (she says women just dont like her). for a while i was fine with that, however have recently found out she is having an affair with this man. i know that she is close to a breakdown. This has been very upsetting for me and is making me want to end my life i love her with all my heart. whenever i try to talk about it she doesnt want to talk about it and will not see a counsellor. she says she loves me and will never leave me but refuses to stop even though it really upsets me. she says she cant stop, it makes her feel normal and special or something i dont know. i have tried telling her how i feel and she knows it upsets me and when she does see him she feels really horrible but wont stop. i dont know what to do anymore i love her with al my heart and dont want to be without her but i cant cope. am i being unreasonable and not a very nice person by trying to stop her seeing this man when she is emotionally very unstable as she needs is or so she says. i dont know what to do just feel its best if im not here anymore then she could have a normal life. any comments on this matter will be appreciated thanks
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Peanut there is a lot going on in this story, and many different areas that must be worked on, but not as one huge ball of a mess, as you see it now. But rather, separately.

    First thing: your health, no matter what condition, must be addressed. Obviously it is difficult to even accomplish anything beyond the physical realm if you physical state just is horrid. Regardless of what is going on with you physically, give yourself time to go for walks, I am not talking about power walks, but just a walk. Give yourself some swim time in the water, water is beyond therapeutic because it bears most of the weight of your body, because humans are buoyant in water. Water therapy is often used for people who have chronic of very severe physical trauma, that can range from muscle, to bone, to nerve damage.

    Consider it, it's not too costly to do this. Yoga is another thing to consider. I am not saying overnight you can do it, but it has been proven and shown to help improve the overall health of the body, to help strengthen weak areas, to help prevent future syndromes etc... and to help lessen, or reduce chronic illnesses.

    It's one thing to be sick, but another to allow yourself to become more sick because of it. Give your body some love and care. It DOES deserve it. Join a group if you have to, something in your area, or create one. Like a walking group, or swim group for the physically disabled etc... I am certain there are people who are in need of that or would love someone to do that with, and it also helps to make your life less ISOLATED. If you need a little inspiration for your physical problems that make you miserable, see these, and while watching them, imagine how you'd feel to be able to do these things too (I mean literally imagine what it'd be like to move a bit more, do things a bit better... move around more etc...):

    First video:


    Second Video:

    If you have sat and watched these through their entirety, then congratulations. If you could not watch it, or felt even worse after; then please sit and think about how you want to be physically. Don't think about what you can't be, or all the limitations in this moment. Think, instead, for just a moment of time, what you want to be able to do again... think about how you'd feel doing that. Don't think about how you used to be able to do it, and how you are too old and broken now to do it... but think how you'd feel, if right now, you could do the things you always wanted physically.

    Keep that feeling in your heart. Keep those thoughts close by, and get yourself the physical help you need. Doctors can only tell you what is wrong with you, maybe prescribe some pain killers, medications. But mankind is much more capable than the medical world alone; mankind can heal themselves, they can create miracles, they can do what doctors said we cant etc... don't leave your fate to a chronic illness.

    Leave your fate to what you decide. Sure it is painful, it hurts, some things you just have to find a different way to do, but do them, it's worth it. Your life is worth it.

    Now that that is said, I will move on to another area, that is separate, that needs to be addressed:


    Keep this separate from your physical condition, because this has nothing to do with that. What this is, is a woman who is no longer intimately faithful to you. She is saying she won't leave, but she must. Maybe now is not the best time for a breakup to happen, but there really is no good time. She chose someone else over you, no matter how she words it.

    No matter how sincere she sounds. No matter if she cries, and begs, and pleads; or feels guilt, or apologizes over and over... she is still in the wrong, and is no longer a wife, but is rather someone who is more of a "friend" then. Not even a good friend at that.

    There is a way here for her to get what she wants, and you to get what you want. Though it's not what you married to get, it's not what you became partners to achieve, it just is at this point. The longer both of you carry it on, or deny it, the most silly your situation will get. How can you heal, if she's always rubbing that in your face?

    Breakup. Separate. I know you don't have a whole lot of money, but that too is another discussion in itself. If she is emotional... let her be. She obviously is not getting what she needs from you, and is seeking it elsewhere. That is HER problem now. Breakup, and remain friends.

    She only needs you as a friend now. She clearly doesn't need you as an intimate partner, as she is leaving you to get that somewhere else. Her words about how she still needs you and this and that, and all of these guilt trips to control the situation and make you stay, put them aside. Be rational. Let her know that you know, she needs you for support, but since she doesn't need you beyond that, it's time to separate.

    Neither of you can heal with this stupidity going on, and she is fuelling it. Let this "new man" be the one to comfort her now. If he can be the guy who breaks up a marriage, then he can be the guy who takes care of your new ex wife, because clearly she doesn't think you can. But she doesn't need to.

    She is putting you into a situation where she chooses everything, and decides, then puts you into a guilt trip to make you stay. Did she ask you if you wanted her to cheat and be with this new guy? Did she care about how you felt about it, as she told you that she'd still continue it, and still does, right in front of your face? Since when did you give her permission to be this brazen and f-ing rude?

    Honestly. Clearly your feelings, your needs mean fuck all to her at this point. No matter what she says, study the actions. Actions are where it counts. She whines about her emotional needs, and her things, but I don't see her asking you what is important to you, or what keeps you from falling over the edge?

    You are not her emotional dumper. She can't just waltz in and dump any kind of baggage on you when she pleases. This is not a marriage any-more, but rather a dumping station. She doesn't care about your input. She doesn't respect you. She isn't worried about your emotional well being.

    She chooses herself as #1 each time.

    You care about her, and all those things, then do that as a friend; because you are no longer a husband. You stopped being her husband when she left you for someone else.

    I could say so much more, but this situation, if you allow it to go on more with her guilt trips, and brazenly cheating on you right in front of plain view etc...

    Let her live her life, she "can't stop" that is her problem. All of that stuff is not your job to deal with any more. You deserve a lot better. It's time to emotionally grow up and get out of there.

    You are no longer who you were when you married, you are two different people now.

    And please try and see her manipulating ways for what they really are. She's tugging on your emotional strings, and playing a tune that you dance to. Abuse at it's finest.
  3. peanut3174

    peanut3174 Member

    thankyou for your advice it is most appreciated
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