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Need Hope and Advice - Please

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Riley Z., Sep 4, 2016.

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  1. Riley Z.

    Riley Z. Member

    Hello there! My name is Riley, and I'm a guy.

    I mainly made this thread because I wanted to get other people's advice and opinions, especially from those who are older than I am. I'm currently 17 years old. Like many other people around my age, it's hard for us to see the future as hopeful, and as for myself, I feel as if becoming an adult is not the hopeful "breaking free story" as it is made out to be.

    To keep it short, I live in an abusive household, both emotionally and physically. Police refused to assist me saying I "lacked proof" of abuse and where I live, "minor disciplinary actions" are allowed as long as the "guardian" is using their bare hand. My parents think of this as a loophole.

    When I was 13, I used to dream of turning 18 and breaking free from them, from their homophobia, transphobia, abuse, everything. They're also extremely racist, and it's hard to be around. But now that I'm almost an adult, I feel hopeless and like this isn't possible in the slightest.

    My parents have already bought an apartment for me for when I grow up, right next to the university of their choice. They're forcing me to become a doctor, whether I want it or not; they already have the place to stay and the documents for my application, and, conveniently enough, said apartment is near where they're going to live so they can stop by and check on me whenever they want; in short, spying on me to make sure I can't do anything against their wishes.

    Many people have suggested running away, filing a restraining order, but due to years of emotional manipulation I'd feel too guilty... My mother says that everything she does is for me, working five jobs for me, spending money, for me. My mother says if I ever left her she'd commit suicide. My father says he'd never let me leave his grasp.

    At this point, I feel as if turning into an adult is not a new beginning of hope; it's the same prison I've always lived in and I feel like I'll only be able to be myself and feel free from the pain when I'm like, over 30, but by that point I'd have wasted my entire 20s pretending and hiding and hurting, wasting my education and my life. To be honest, I don't think I'd be able to live on knowing I can't be free.

    So, here is my question. I wanted to know if anybody else has recovered from an abusive household. Were you able to fully escape? Does the guilt of leaving them still haunt you? Is becoming an adult really a chance to escape? Is there any hope?
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Riley,

    Nobody can force you to do anything once you are an adult. The attempt to guilt or scare you into submission seems to be working on you because now that you are nearly 18, you're scared to leave an abusive and toxic and VERY controlling situation. Sometimes life isn't fair, but you have so much opportunity for growth if you can put yourself first.

    I was brought up in an equally abusive household. I left at 17. The stigma of being part of a family left me feeling lonely and guilt-ridden and I kept going back to the family for visits and holidays - even though the abuse continued into my adulthood. Of course, it ceases being physical at that point and continues to be verbal and emotional.

    The BEST decision I ever made was to break free. Unfortunately this only happened in my 30's and I regret so much not doing it before because I feel as though the first two decades of my adult life were wasted in depression, guilt, abuse, anxiety and worse. When I disowned them, it was as simple as moving away and not forwarding my address or phone number, being as private as possible, reaching out to people I could trust (mostly anonymous people on forums like this) and doing everything possible to keep myself busy. It was a time to work on myself, alone and without all of the toxicity and judgment.

    I have a new family that I chose, and that consists of my 6 pets. I did eventually get back to University on my own terms and worked to pay myself through it. It's scary and even though they cause you so much harm, you still have to grieve their losses once you decide to leave them.

    I hope you can think about what's the most important to you and make good decisions for yourself. Remember you have to be the one to look in the mirror at night and feel okay with your choices, your living situation and your career. I'm not advocating running away, just think about things, make your plans, and if you have it available, seek some objective counselling. Hope that helps a little! xx
    electricalanomaly and Petal like this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    My mom can be emotionally abusive at times. I didn't realize this until 6 months ago. But I have been away from home for 2 years at uni.

    Yes I think that you can escape. You can start by slowly reducing contact with your parents.

    Yes, I feel bad for not contacting them as much, but remind yourself that you do not owe them anything.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
    Frances M likes this.
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    This is a good general reminder for anyone, you don't owe anyone anything in life. You can choose to help someone, keep in contact and be in their lives, but there should be no feeling of owing, that is pure guilt and not a reason to stay in a bad situation. The only person you owe something to is yourself, always.
  5. Riley Z.

    Riley Z. Member

    Hello there, Frances. I'm very glad to see someone replied. I wanted to, firstly, thank you for being kind enough to share your own experiences, and for giving me that little sliver of hope with which I can continue to move on with. I am very glad to hear that you were able to break free! Even though you said it was in your 30s, better late than never, in my opinion. Six pets does sound like a very lovely family!

    Today, taking your advice, I asked my school if they had any counselors who could help assist me in getting resources for domestic abuse and things like that. Unfortunately, the woman designated to said job is only around every other Tuesday. Pretty sparse, eh?

    Anyways, thank you again. I'm trying to get over the guilt of leaving; I'm somehow still worried about cutting contact even though my mother, just this morning, was screaming at me telling me that I had to be abused to be "corrected"... whatever that means. I shall continue to try to find resources and advice from others who have also gone through the same thing I have. Thanks. I hope I can truly be free when I become a legal adult.
    Frances M likes this.
  6. Riley Z.

    Riley Z. Member

    I will try very hard to slowly reduce contact, though I don't think that's possible. My parents stalk me and follow me everyone and have full control over my life up to where I'm going to live when I go to the University of their choice. I perhaps can break free, but I'm just trying very hard to live long enough to reach that point. Thank you for the advice!
  7. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Riley :)

    I guess one day a week for a counselor is better than none at all, but still, very sparse. I hope she can help you out, let us know what happens.

    I've read quotes on guilt, how it's such a useless feeling, that it serves no purpose, that it masks internal struggles...but we can't seem to get away from it. My biggest suggestion to you is ACCEPT the guilt if you can't get over it. Accept that yes, you will feel guilty, but it's okay. Think of yourself and you WILL become free of your oppressive situation. Just be strong and realize it might be a struggle, but you can really move mountains if you choose to!
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