I need out of this.....I' m jst hurting more people the longer I stay. I know this is true because I haven't felt human in the longest time ... and therefore am unable to act anyhting like one. I know whats wrong with me and I CANNOT live with it. Its a very simple but sickening truth...I am not mentally ill.this is just who I am...even when I was younger I always knew that I was n't able to conect to others but think cause you'r forced to be around people at school, I just imitated peoples behaviour and would come home exhausted. I managed to do the college thing (just) 10 years ago now and, work for a few years, but it's been a while since I been in a job any lonegr than a few days in recent years. And contacting my friends is just no longer an option....as I feel so disconnected from reality all I'm ever thinking is how I how I cannot enjoy a conversation with anyone. They'v even now said that they see my distant behaviour as the norm now...and one even said that she doesn;t know how to be aroind me anymore...I dpnt blame her at all, theres only so much sympathry you can give some one before it starts sucking the life out of them too. I not only dislike what I have become ..I loathe mysel,,,and ridiculously one of the few things I feel any emotion about is to my 6 year old anxious self on the first day of school...for not proving my future predictions wrong.,,,infact even knowing not to expect to exactly 'blossom'into a normal functioning member of society... Iam still dissapointed and suprised that I became such a full on feckin loser. So this is me....and no proxac or therapy is evr gonna fix that..only thing in my power to stop the cycle of hurt towards my family and mates.. is to just do what I always dream of...after all I have not lived for so long now ..has gone high time to make it official......I cant bare being this pitiful, cold, empty shell of a person' much longer.