Need Proof I matter.......

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Crazy_01, Aug 31, 2006.

  1. Crazy_01

    Crazy_01 New Member

    Ok this is a bit of a long story but here goes:
    My father passed away 2 years ago, he was not only my father but best friend.
    He had never thought of re-doing his will and therefore we had to go by his 25 year old will written on a piece of notebook paper. This will stated that 75% of his estate go to my brother and 25% to me.
    Growing up my brother was raised by my father, me by my mother which is the only reason the will was the way it was. It was written before my father and I got to know eachother really.
    My father and I got to know one another after I went through a very traumatic event in which I was forced to shoot someone that was drugged up and trying to kill me. He came to my rescue and paid for a lawyer to help me with the legal issues and were it not for that, I'd probably be in prison for 15-25 years (which I would have just killed myself were that the case). Instead the lawyer made a case for self defense and I was found to be legally in the right. Afterwards I was shipped away from the only place I knew, for my own safety. My father was putting me through college while my mother offered me a place to stay while I completed school. All was going well. I was making high marks and good progress. Then after visiting my father over a school vacation I came home to having no place to live, for no reason other than my step father was tired of me being around. I moved back to where I began and became very paranoid on a daily basis, developed insomnia, my grades dropped but I was still making progress. Just progressing much slower.
    My father went on a vacation out of the country and died overseas.
    After his death, My brother stated he wanted to split the estate up 50/50 and make sure I finished college since he thought thats how our father would have wanted it. Although that is not how things have turned out. I haven't the $ to finish college and have to drop out. I have had to deal with the clearing out of my fathers old things, deal with all the paperwork to get the house into my name and pay my brother off what he deems as a fair amount for the equity.
    After dealing with all that for 2 years the light at the end of the tunnel seemed to be approaching. My roomate who has a girlfriend who has quit her job, and become homeless has now become a part of our household. I told my roomate this was unexceptable on several occasions, politely. What happens is he basically gives me lip service. Says "Yeah, ok, I understand" then they take off for the weekend crashing at thier friends houses for the weekend. Then monday comes along and she sleeps in my driveway in her car. Which is not exceptable. Then after 1 or 2 days of that is back in his room using the t.v, toilet, eating food, etc. not paying any $ or helping out around here. He makes promises to pay the 2 months of bills he is behind and seems to never come. We were supposed to be friends but as usuall I am just someone to use appearently. My father is dead, my brother might as well be, my mother is a liar and a back stabber whom I haven't spoken to in over 2 years (Since my fathers funeral, where she showed up to basically get attention and not offer support) I have no friends or family to speak of really. Day to day I find life to be meaningless. The only joy I derive from life is taking risks on my motorcycle. Walking the edge makes me feel a rush. Knowing I could die at any moment is a thrill. I don't actively seek death but I like to stare it in the face. And if I were to die it wouldn't really matter to me as I'd die doing what I enjoy and it wouldn't look like suicide so less trauma for those that would care, not that I believe there any in my life that would. At least not beyond the nuisance my death would cause. My roomate would care because he and his g/f would both be homeless then. My bro would only care if he was entitled to my assets same goes for my mother.
    What I am looking for is someone that can PROVE that I matter. Because at this point I truly believe I don't matter what so ever.
    If you are going to leave some B.S. cookie cutter message don't bother. I have been reading this forum and see alot of that which doesn't work for me.
    The whole "things will get better, just wait and see" is B.S. as well. I have been waiting for 31 years and I see nothing. I am still alone in the real world, have never experienced love, never had a Girlfriend or any girl express interest in me whatsoever. I am not an ugly person physically or in my attitude. I hide my depression well from others in real life. I make my problems my own. So I don't understand why I am so repulsive to the opposite sex. Everything in my life up to this point, on reflection screams that I just do NOT matter. I am to the point I am thinking my world is about to get alot worse and that makes me just want to care a whole lot less when I go out to get my adrenaline rush. So if someone can PROVE to me that I matter, I might have a reason to reconsider. Otherwise I feel like screw it, lets see just how far I can push things.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2006
  2. Sarah

    Sarah SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    hi crazy,

    i'm sorry you have gone through so much.i dont think anyone here can change you mind in fell swoop but i believe everyone matters in some way.hopefully we can have a chance to get to know you so that we can point out to you why you matter and why you should be here.i myself havent been through as much as you but i can definately understand what it is to feel rejected by life.unfortunately it looks you have been surrounded by people in youre life that havent been very good to not going to tell you that will change right away.i used to think the same as you that it would never happen and i also dont like people who say "oh things will change so just suddenly be better" it doesnt work that way. however from experience i know that it can change and that it is worth it to experience that change. due to certian conditions i was rejected by mostly everyone all of my life so i can relate.that has slowly changed maybe. we can work together to help each other.i think you will find may members at this site willing to work side by side to improve each others me that is what friendship is all about and i think you will find friends here if you give it a chance.i hope you do as i can see how we could relate to each other very easily.
  3. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    I can't tell you life is gonna get better and I can't say it will be easier. The truth is life is gonna be hard till we die. I think a lot of it depends on finding ways to help ourselves deal with it. Nothing anyone can say is going to make things better and nothing we say can make you feel like you matter. Atleast not the way actions would.

    Is it possible you could get a place of your own and leave the roomate and his girl hanging. It's not fair that you are having to deal with these feelings and being used at the same time. You might even find yourself a new roomate and sign an agreement that states anyobne living with you must pitch in and help out and that sort of thing.

    The second thing I will say and unfortunately we can read your post, and I do mean read them carefully and not just skim through them in a hurry. We can offer advice, ideas, comfort but we can't make you feel happy. That sort of thing can only come from you and you have taken afirst step in that direction by reaching out to others instead of hiding it away all the time. See self worth does not come from how others treat you although they can make you feel used, abused, and hurt. It comes from inside and you have to decide if you are worth it (and I feel you are because we all are) and you have to decide if you care about you (and I think you should because you are all you have right now and it wouldn't be of use to destroy the one person you've got). Do I care. Sure I do. And I wish I could reach out and help you but all I've got is this keyboard and these words. And that will never prove to you that I care. So treat that one person in your life that you know cares right, you. And before you say you don't care about yourself think about this. You cared enough to seek out others who care because perhaps inside you know you deserve to be cared about but unfortunately have not been treated that way and are feeling alone and perhaps a bit scared. Or maybe I'm wrong. But I'll throw the possiblity out there anyway. All I can give you is my reponses and my PM box if you need it.

  4. immure

    immure Account Closed

    maybe ur so hot women are to intimidated to approuch you. and kick ur roommate out on his ass and get a new one it could change everything about ur life. good roomates are a life time of memory and bad ones are alife of stress. so just say its nothin personal but u have ur notice.
    show u are a man not to be reconed with . i am such a lame speller. hehehe anyway seriously try not to define everything with ur perception only.