Ok this is a bit of a long story but here goes: My father passed away 2 years ago, he was not only my father but best friend. He had never thought of re-doing his will and therefore we had to go by his 25 year old will written on a piece of notebook paper. This will stated that 75% of his estate go to my brother and 25% to me. Growing up my brother was raised by my father, me by my mother which is the only reason the will was the way it was. It was written before my father and I got to know eachother really. My father and I got to know one another after I went through a very traumatic event in which I was forced to shoot someone that was drugged up and trying to kill me. He came to my rescue and paid for a lawyer to help me with the legal issues and were it not for that, I'd probably be in prison for 15-25 years (which I would have just killed myself were that the case). Instead the lawyer made a case for self defense and I was found to be legally in the right. Afterwards I was shipped away from the only place I knew, for my own safety. My father was putting me through college while my mother offered me a place to stay while I completed school. All was going well. I was making high marks and good progress. Then after visiting my father over a school vacation I came home to having no place to live, for no reason other than my step father was tired of me being around. I moved back to where I began and became very paranoid on a daily basis, developed insomnia, my grades dropped but I was still making progress. Just progressing much slower. My father went on a vacation out of the country and died overseas. After his death, My brother stated he wanted to split the estate up 50/50 and make sure I finished college since he thought thats how our father would have wanted it. Although that is not how things have turned out. I haven't the $ to finish college and have to drop out. I have had to deal with the clearing out of my fathers old things, deal with all the paperwork to get the house into my name and pay my brother off what he deems as a fair amount for the equity. After dealing with all that for 2 years the light at the end of the tunnel seemed to be approaching. My roomate who has a girlfriend who has quit her job, and become homeless has now become a part of our household. I told my roomate this was unexceptable on several occasions, politely. What happens is he basically gives me lip service. Says "Yeah, ok, I understand" then they take off for the weekend crashing at thier friends houses for the weekend. Then monday comes along and she sleeps in my driveway in her car. Which is not exceptable. Then after 1 or 2 days of that is back in his room using the t.v, toilet, eating food, etc. not paying any $ or helping out around here. He makes promises to pay the 2 months of bills he is behind and yet...it seems to never come. We were supposed to be friends but as usuall I am just someone to use appearently. My father is dead, my brother might as well be, my mother is a liar and a back stabber whom I haven't spoken to in over 2 years (Since my fathers funeral, where she showed up to basically get attention and not offer support) I have no friends or family to speak of really. Day to day I find life to be meaningless. The only joy I derive from life is taking risks on my motorcycle. Walking the edge makes me feel a rush. Knowing I could die at any moment is a thrill. I don't actively seek death but I like to stare it in the face. And if I were to die it wouldn't really matter to me as I'd die doing what I enjoy and it wouldn't look like suicide so less trauma for those that would care, not that I believe there any in my life that would. At least not beyond the nuisance my death would cause. My roomate would care because he and his g/f would both be homeless then. My bro would only care if he was entitled to my assets same goes for my mother. What I am looking for is someone that can PROVE that I matter. Because at this point I truly believe I don't matter what so ever. If you are going to leave some B.S. cookie cutter message don't bother. I have been reading this forum and see alot of that which doesn't work for me. The whole "things will get better, just wait and see" is B.S. as well. I have been waiting for 31 years and I see nothing. I am still alone in the real world, have never experienced love, never had a Girlfriend or any girl express interest in me whatsoever. I am not an ugly person physically or in my attitude. I hide my depression well from others in real life. I make my problems my own. So I don't understand why I am so repulsive to the opposite sex. Everything in my life up to this point, on reflection screams that I just do NOT matter. I am to the point I am thinking my world is about to get alot worse and that makes me just want to care a whole lot less when I go out to get my adrenaline rush. So if someone can PROVE to me that I matter, I might have a reason to reconsider. Otherwise I feel like screw it, lets see just how far I can push things.