need rational sane relationship advice

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Unregisteredhere, May 2, 2007.

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  1. Here's my dilemma...

    I met this guy on a forum much like this one. He helped me through some rough times and then I made the mistake of telling him I loved him before he ever said anything like that to me. Hell, I didn't even know if he liked me. Anyway, it's been about 6 months since we met and now we're internet dating and he says he loves me now. He lives 1000s of miles away and we've never met in person. I want to meet him and will save up to get to him, but I'm worried I might be making a mistake. Here is why, these strange coincidences keep occurring that makes me think he is being false with me. Here's a list of what I see....

    ---I told him I'd come to where he is to help him get the help he needs because he's been too afraid to ask for help for many years, all of a sudden, like a week later, he tells everyone his problems and gets help.

    ---He never remembers much about me and never asks me questions to get to know me. (this might just be the way he is, i don't know. Im thinking it's just the way he is to me)

    ---I tell him I want a guy who will travel an ocean to see me and he tells me he can't do that for me. (yet i'd travel one for him???)

    ---Once I told him I wasn't going to be home all day and then he decides to stay home that same day and chats all day with other people. (he goes out a lot and has never stayed in all day for me, even at times when I was feeling completely low)

    ---He comes on to the forum and seeks out other girls who live in the same area as him and gets to know them. We have an open relationship because we live so far apart, but he's a very shy guy and when we first met, he didn't do anything like that, and now suddenly, he's chatting it up with several other girls from the forum.

    ---He might meet one of these girls soon and he's very nervous about it. I mean, the way a guy gets nervous when he goes on a blind date. And he tells me he has no interest in her that way.

    ---He meets this other girl recently and then suddenly he is online at a time when he never is, and she happens to be online at the same time. He tells me he came on to talk to me, but it was very early for him and he hardly ever gets on that early.

    Ok, that's jist of it. Sorry it's so long, but anyone who's read this far, please please, tell me if I'm being paranoid or if these coincidences hold some kind of meaning. He keeps trying to reassure me that he loves me, but things just don't seem to match up. I love him, but am so confused.
    I need new rational perspectives. Am I just being paranoid or should I just say goodbye :( Please, I desperately need advice.
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Hiya :smile:

    I don't know you, or him, but I would tell you to go with your gut. If you feel deep down that something is up, then something probably is.

    Of course, it's possible that he really does only have eyes for you, but from what you've said I don't think things are working out so well anyway. If he wouldn't save up to visit you, but you would save up to visit him, then that means you're not on a level playing field here.

    I also sense from your tone that you aren't really happy with the fact that you have an 'open' relationship. So that's another reason why things aren't working out.

    You sound like you want a commitment that he's not prepared to give you. If I were you, I'd get out soon before I really got hurt.

    But then, I don't trust men. So I don't know how 'sane' my advice is :unsure:. At the end of the day, only you know this guy and your situation.

    I wish you all the best :hug:.

    ~Nobody~ x
  3. I have a hard time trusting men too.
    And it's not like he won't save up to see me, he just would never want to travel to see me period.
    He's not a bad guy. I just have a good feeling he will never love me as much as I love him. I'm just so afraid of getting hurt, and it just seems so inevitable. I don't want to trap him in this relationship so that's why we keep it open, and I would be ok with it except that he isn't straight forward with me about things. And it's not really that I expect a total commitment from him, it's more that I'm gonna travel an ocean to see him and I'm trying to decide if he's worth it. It's too big of a commitment on my part if he only feels half of what I feel for him. I hate this.
    Thanks for your advice Nobody. I'm still so confused though. It's like choosing between be alone again or being an emotional wreck. It was a lot easier being alone though.
  4. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Mmm ok from what youve said, the actions of this guy sound a bit suspicious, I think you need to dig a bit deeper before you travel all that way and end up getting hurt.

    The fact that his got help all of sudden could be put down to the motivation he now has to get his life back on track. Nothing will motivate a person more than the feeling of being loved by someone.

    He doesnt ask you many questions about yourself? Mmm some guys find that difficult, particularly if his shy, but still if he was trully in love with you, he should be taking a bigger interest in you and your life.

    Wont travel to meet you? Again, could be driven by his shyness, but personally if I was in love with a girl, I would travel to the other side of the planet to meet her, providing I had the money lol, or could get it.

    Ok chatting it up with other girls. Two thoughts, he has a new found confidence since somebody has finally shown an interest in him, and talking to other girls is increasing his confidence, some guys like chatting to girls...most of the people on my contact list are woman, but there all just friends.

    OR....his playing the field. The last two points you highlighted suggest he could very well be playing the field, and you need to find out what his saying to these woman, thats really the only way your going to know whats going on.

    For now I would just carry on as if nothing is happening, but you need to put your investigative powers to use, and see whats going on behind the scenes.
  5. quote by MJ:
    "Wont travel to meet you? Again, could be driven by his shyness, but personally if I was in love with a girl, I would travel to the other side of the planet to meet her, providing I had the money lol, or could get it."

    Exactly. See, I knew that if a guy was really in love he'd go the distance to meet her. The fact that this guy won't, seems like a clear indication that he just doesn't love me as much as he says he does. And it's not because he doesn't have the money, he told me straight up that he could not do that for me. In other words, I'm not worth all the trouble. This was one of the hardest things for me to reconciliate. He's not a bad guy and I'm glad he's been feeling confident enough to meet other girls, but I guess I just wish I was enough for him, which, judging by things, I'm clearly not.

    I think I'm done investigating. I'm so tired of being this emotional basketcase over someone who barely likes me. I think I know what I'm going to do now.
    Thank you MJ. And thank you Nobody. Talking about it like this and getting some feedback has helped me a great deal.
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I'm pleased we've helped you.

    I hope that everything goes well for you :hug:.
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