Need reasons

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kayetan, Nov 4, 2007.

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  1. Kayetan

    Kayetan Active Member

    I think about suicide all the time. The first time was middlschool. I gave up on everything. I didn't have any challenges, I stopped doing homework because I'd still pass. I wasn't allowed to move up when I was in grade school, my mom thought it was more important to stay with my own age. They all hated and used me, I used to be popular until I showed how smart I could be. I was bullied for years, I could have easily won a fight, but I don't believe in violence, so I just took it. When I reached middle-school, new bullies appeared. It was bad enough that I had to get a restraining order against two of them. The principle spoke to me, and claimed it was my fault, and no one would be punished. I knew then how greedy humans were, the two kids' parents were huge contributors to the school. I didn't have any reasons to live, I wasn't challenged, I was bored all the time, and my reputation was destroyed, the bullies are always popular for some reason. I attempted suicide in 7th grade, but was caught before I did. All of the people I had helped were pointec out to me. I had always befriended social outcasts, and would find them friends. I never turned people who needed help down. My meaning in life was to be there for others. I always ended up being betrayed though. Once I made them popular, they abandoned me because I wasn't popular. It didn't matter though, I made it to college. Now I'm out of people to help. My best friend is my computer. I don't want to be with others, but I'm lonely. I hurt all over, inside and out. I don't do my homework, it's not a challenge, so I don't see a point. I lost my religious faith months ago. I dream of killing myself throughout the day. I want to do it, but I can't. I'm not afraid, and I don't know what's stopping me. I was always told life got better. I can say truthfully that it doesn't. They've been saying it since 4th grade, not a single day has gone by where life has gotten better. I fantasize all the time how things might have been different. I should never have answered those questions or passed those tests. I see myself back with those bullies, thinking of what I should have. I was and am bigger, faster, stronger, and had the fighting skills. I dream of killing them all the time. I should have at least broken their bones, it would have stopped them. I just had to be kind, not harming them, accepting their physical and mental abuse. Of course their are moments of joy, but none of it is worth it for the pain I'm in.
     
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I feel the p ain you are in even though I am out of words of comfort to you. I really don't know what to say that could alleviate in any ways how you feel right now. Know that even if words are lacking, you are not alone.

    Hoping someone has better comforting skills than I do coz none deserve to feel this way. Just do as most of us do, live one day at the time till a day comes that a ray of sun will appear through this dark sky and bring some light onto the reason(s) for all this.

    You aint alone under this sky. :hug:
     
  3. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I feel the p ain you are in even though I am out of words of comfort to you. I really don't know what to say that could alleviate in any ways how you feel right now. Know that even if words are lacking, you are not alone.

    Hoping someone has better comforting skills than I do coz none deserve to feel this way. Try to do as most of us do, live one day at the time till a day comes that a ray of sun will appear through this dark sky and bring some light onto the reason(s) for all this.

    You aint alone under this sky. :hug:
     
  4. Kayetan

    Kayetan Active Member

    How can you keep going when everything's against you? I've lost interest in everything I ever liked to do. Any new interests I get bored with after about a week. I've always been an insomniac, but now it's catching up to me. I can't sleep at night, and can barely stay awake in the day. My computer was broken since thursday, I worked on it almost non-stop. Now that I fixed it, I feel useless again. Even though it was frustrating, it gave me something to do. I don't even want to get up anymore.
     
  5. I am currently struggling with the suicidal thoughts, death dreams, and complete hopelessness feelings... I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I attempt, heck I have even failed at killing myself 3 times this year... so I know where you're at... the only thing keeping me from not doing it right now is the people in my life who love me... I've seen how my attempts have torn them up... I can't stand to hurt them... the thought of that is too much... I hope you hang in there... You're not alone...
     
  6. Kayetan

    Kayetan Active Member

    I honestly don't know why I haven't killed myself already. My family only cares about themselves. They're never there for me, none of them even talk to me unless they need something. I don't care how they feel, and I have nothing to hold me back. But when I try, I just can't do it. I try to convince myself that life gets better, but I know it doesn't. Even with this mindset, I never go through with it, but I'm getting closer everyday.
     
  7. I understand... my family is pretty much worthless too. Things can get better in your life, but it can also take a lot of work... The fact that you are still alive says part of you still wants to live. Focus on that... try to find good things in your life, even if they're small things. that might help your mindset a little... sometimes it works for me...
     
  8. chevin

    chevin New Member

    Kayetan,

    I don't know why I haven't killed myself.

    But I haven't...

    I have the same feelings as you.

    Do not act on them.

    Express them.

    That's it.

    The way you feel is valid. I don't want to say that it's okay.

    But it is valid. It is.

    Some of us feel things that are not considered normal. I have felt exactly as you do. I'm not lying to you. I came here out of a small frustation. I am no longer at the point where...

    But I do know how you feel.

    Do not act on it. There is nothing else I know how to say to you.

    Just do not act on it. Take the pain...

    I came here tonight because I was in pain. Not quite like you. I have been there. Oh, yeah... It is so hard for me to - screw connect - I would use stronger language - it is so hard for me to connect with others. I am just beginning to understand why.

    Take the pain.

    Take it.

    That's my best advice.

    Stay alive.

    I feel your pain. I've been there.

    I am there new.

    Suicidal thoughts no longer fill my day. But they are there.

    Do not act on them.

    Don't

    I came here looking for answers. I found exactly what I have felt for so long...

    All I can tell you is do not act.

    If you feel yourself acting, reach out to someone.

    Someone who will stop you.

    The pain won't go away...

    You will.

    Reach out, as you are doing right now.

    I read your post. All of it.

    I could have written the same thing a few months ago.

    The exact same thing...

    Stay alive.

    Don't act.

    Reach out.

    Keep posting.

    -M
     
  9. Kayetan

    Kayetan Active Member

    I've been feeling lower than usual today. I have many things I need to do, but I don't want to do anything. I stayed in bed the whole day, just lying there. I'm not getting anywhere in life, I won't be able to even take classes I need for a few more years. I have essays to do, tests to study for, class registration, and a new programming language to learn for my job. I don't see the point in any of it. I'm not going to need to any of the things I'm learning right now. It feels like I'm never going to get anywhere, and if I ever do, it will be at a time when it doesn't matter. There isn't a point to this, I just needed someone to know how I feel.
     
  10. bhr

    bhr Well-Known Member

    You're not alone. Today has been one of my rougher days also. And tomorrow, well, I don't know about tomorrow. I need to lift myself up, but I'm scared that I won't find the strength. I will try, but I just don't know... all I can say is I will try.
     
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