I think about suicide all the time. The first time was middlschool. I gave up on everything. I didn't have any challenges, I stopped doing homework because I'd still pass. I wasn't allowed to move up when I was in grade school, my mom thought it was more important to stay with my own age. They all hated and used me, I used to be popular until I showed how smart I could be. I was bullied for years, I could have easily won a fight, but I don't believe in violence, so I just took it. When I reached middle-school, new bullies appeared. It was bad enough that I had to get a restraining order against two of them. The principle spoke to me, and claimed it was my fault, and no one would be punished. I knew then how greedy humans were, the two kids' parents were huge contributors to the school. I didn't have any reasons to live, I wasn't challenged, I was bored all the time, and my reputation was destroyed, the bullies are always popular for some reason. I attempted suicide in 7th grade, but was caught before I did. All of the people I had helped were pointec out to me. I had always befriended social outcasts, and would find them friends. I never turned people who needed help down. My meaning in life was to be there for others. I always ended up being betrayed though. Once I made them popular, they abandoned me because I wasn't popular. It didn't matter though, I made it to college. Now I'm out of people to help. My best friend is my computer. I don't want to be with others, but I'm lonely. I hurt all over, inside and out. I don't do my homework, it's not a challenge, so I don't see a point. I lost my religious faith months ago. I dream of killing myself throughout the day. I want to do it, but I can't. I'm not afraid, and I don't know what's stopping me. I was always told life got better. I can say truthfully that it doesn't. They've been saying it since 4th grade, not a single day has gone by where life has gotten better. I fantasize all the time how things might have been different. I should never have answered those questions or passed those tests. I see myself back with those bullies, thinking of what I should have. I was and am bigger, faster, stronger, and had the fighting skills. I dream of killing them all the time. I should have at least broken their bones, it would have stopped them. I just had to be kind, not harming them, accepting their physical and mental abuse. Of course their are moments of joy, but none of it is worth it for the pain I'm in.