Need solid advice from the women here.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Right U R Ken, Sep 13, 2008.

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  1. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    Here's the situation. A woman I care very deeply about is very depressed and suicidual. I can't even go into all the things that have happened to her in her life, it's heartbreaking. She's currently in a horrible marriage. Her husband has beat her and emotional abuses her. There's currently a order of protection against him even though they still live together. She's come close to a getting a divorce but insists on staying married for the sake of the son they have together. I hate every minute she has to stay with him. And she tells me the same thing. She can't stand it there.

    I can't tell you how much I care about this woman. Problem is she's a thousand miles away. We have contact thru phone, IM's, letters, and email and online of course. I sometimes get the feeling she has feelings for me but she holds back. One of the biggest problems is her low self-esteem and depression. It's as if she won't let something good come into her life. Like she thinks she doesn't deserve it.

    Now I'm looking for advice from women particuliarly women who may have similiar feelings that my friend has which I'm sure a few women here do. And most important I'm looking for SPECIFIC advice on what I can do or say to help my friend. I'm not looking for vague advice like "just support her and be there for her" But please tell me EXACTLY what you would want me to do if she was you. Give Specific examples please. Tell me to do THIS. To say THAT. I really need real usuable advice. Bear in mind I would do ANYTHING I'm capable of doing. I can't give her a million dollars but i could hop in my car and drive 1000 miles non-stop just to give her a hug if she would let me.

    I hope I'm being clear here. I need some women to reach deep down inside and look for those real solid things that would help in this situation. Don't be afraid to say things that you might not normally say. For example many women of low self-esteem might push a good man away thinking she doesn't deserve him. But would you honestly want that man to try even harder and break thru that wall you're putting up with all his might? Force his love on you when you wouldn't take it normally?? What would it take? What do I need to do here? I'll do anything.
     
  2. Shad

    Shad Active Member

    Hi Ken,
    Im a guy. but Ive been in a situation before similiar to yours and thought I might share some advice. My ex-wife was in a marriage like that when I met her. Although she didnt have the order of protection. But she did get it. But dropped it when it went in front of the judge.
    Anyway, It seems that you care about her alot. She took the steps to protect herself by getting a PFA(protection from abuse). There is something holding her back, either her son, finances, or just plain old scared to death.
    I too was a friend to my exwife prior to us getting married. I made the un-selfish suggestion to her of asking her husband if he wanted to go to counseling to save their marriage. At that time we were just friends.
    When she asked he said" your the one that needs the couseling not me" I guess he didnt get the whole jist of marriage couseling is to save the marriage not point fingers. It took some time but she finally filed for divorce.
    I dont think there is much you can do for her but keep being a friend.
    What ever is holding her back must have a strong hold on her. All she has to do is pick up the phone and call 911. One point you might want to make to her is." Is that the life she wants for her son. A home with violence can do serious damage to a child and psychological problems will manifest for years.
    Just keep being there a let her know she always has a place to go to. And that you will always be there. It especially hard knowing that someone you love and care for is being mistreated and your powerless.
    My personal advice is stay away from married women. But thats hard to do when your heart gets involved.
    Good Luck my friend I hope I helped a little.
    Shad
     
  3. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    I said almost exaclty that. It only made her mad.
     
  4. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    She may have a borderline personality. Look into that.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun I've been there for the best part of 20 years. The fear and control that is being used on her is unbelievable by those that have never experienced it. She fears for her life and that of her son but she also fears the unknown. She has been hurt so terribly badly by the one that she wants to be loved by and constantly scared into staying. She cant see any other way. Trust me I speak from experience. And when people on the outside looking in try to help, usually that help feels like criticism towards her. She is probably in a position where she is already doing everything imaginable to please and make things perfect for her spouse. So anything else being added to her plate be it for her own good or that of her family is seen as yet another task that she has to do and is so very tired already. Or she may feel that nobody understands her situation. Those 20 years were the loneliest days of my life because I truly believed no one else could possibly understand. Her self estemm doesnt even exist anymore so hearing things that are meant to boost her usually fall on deaf ears. It is a very extreme and volatile situation she is in. So yes, keep reassurring her that you are there, that you will help anyway you can and above all be completely honest in all you say and do. Being able to believe in anyone at this point is difficult for her. Hun please pm me cuz there is so much more I could say but am to uncomfortable to discuss here. I do want to stress to you that you had better be damn sure that you are willing to go the long haul here. Cuz if you say you will and then dont, believe me it will hurt her more than anything she is dealing with now.
     
  6. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    itmahanh, you say to pm you but I want to encourage you to speak up here. Other people are reading this thread that might benefit from you insight. Certainly there are others like me with a friend they want to help and more importantly there may be other women like you who have been thru what you went thru and may be comforted to know they are not alone and maybe they too can speak up and help others here. I'm definietly listening, you have my attention.

    Oh, and I'm not sure how long you mean by the long haul but it's been about two years now and yeah, I can go longer but it's hard, very hard to deal with. I'm very worried. She has several serious attempts in her past and her husband doesn't care one bit. He didn't even call for help or try to wake her after her last attempt by overdose. Her life was only saved by the fact that she threw up the pills. He's an evil selfish man.
     
  7. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i would hate to lessen the enormity of the situation that she is in if all the facts given are indeed facts, but as a woman with bpd myself the first thing i thought of when i read your post is that she may be manipulating the situation. if she is borderline its highly unlikely that she is doing it to hurt you, or him, or anyone. but i've been in such a similar position that it nearly sent me into flashbacks to read your story.

    i was married. i was unhappy. i felt emotionally abandoned by him. when he'd hold my arms when i was in a rage to keep me from hitting him, in my mind he was abusing me, not keeping me from abusing him. i made friends over the internet to find solace, fill the void i felt when it felt he was unreachable. i would tell them how things were with us, but i would tell them this when i was seeing him as the villian. my black and white thinking left no room for anything less then vile trechery, abuse, and abandonment. they saw him how i saw him at those times. they saw a sad and beautiful woman trapped in a marriage with an evil man. i made them the hero, they were ready and willing, begging even, to run to my side and save me.
    i'd never leave. i had reasons. some they could understand, some that were a bit flimsy, but mainly it was because he wasnt always a villian. sometimes he was also my hero. i would exaggerate, occasionally add a "white lie" to build my point, fill out the roles.

    my borderline dysfunctional brain needed others to see him as villian when i did. needed them to be hero to my damsel in distress. i manipulated and probably hurt people. i know i hurt my ex-husband. i know i hurt the man who "saved" me from him. i honestly never meant to hurt anyone....

    its possible this woman is in the same boat. honestly, before you sacrifice too much of yourself for this woman please look into this possibility.
     
  8. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    There's no holding her arms and her calling it abuse going on here. He has beat her until she has ended up in the hospital. He has more than one domestic abuse conviction. Her greatest protection right now is the fact that he knows if he does it again he's immediately going to prison. They have not even slept together for years. They just live in the same house. She does not have bipolar disorder and I don't even know why that came up. She is a beautiful intelligent woman that has been thru a long list of tragic and abusive things. Most people here are here for far less than what she's been thru starting since she was just a baby. It's incredible that's she even still alive. The one bright spot I see is that when she speaks of the future the word "divorce" constantly comes up. It's on her mind and for good reason. The husband is selfish scum, period.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2008
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