Need some advice/help :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Concave, Jul 5, 2010.

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  1. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    Lately I have been feeling quite a bit better. I'm in school and making good grades, have a job, and am halfway through my 6 months of probation. My suicidal tendencies, for the most part have subsided. I have been drinking quite a bit, and am starting to acknlowledge that I'm an alcoholic. (Bad that I'm drinking, but good that I'm realizing I need to stop).

    I live with a really good friend right now, but for the past 4 months I have been heavilly isolating myself. A lot of it has to do w/ depression and not being able to smoke pot, which my roomate does alot ( i see nothing wrong w/ it per se, just don't want to tempt myself while on probation). The depression and suicidal ideation usually make me introverted. I generally like to spend most of my time alone. I have also been realizing I'm coming to a point in my life where I don't to sit around, smoke weed/watch tv and movies all day long. Nothing horrible about that, I'd just rather spend my time doing other stuff.

    Obviously my roomate/good friend has noticed a change in me. He understands the whole probation thing, but I have trouble talking to most of my good friends about my depression nd suicidal thoughts. Nothing aginst them, its just some strange self defense mechanism I tend to put up. Kinda outta sight outta mind type of deal. When I'm around my friends I tend not to think about suicide so I like that aspect. Therefor I tend not to want to hash out bad feeling around them.

    I ended up talking to my roomate/good friends's ex girlfriend a few time for some advice on depression and whatnot. He had a really bad breakup w/ her and has some seroius hate for her. I understand this, but she provided some really good advice and gave me a place to vent and talk about my depression. Well a week ago my roomate saw that his ex and I were friends on facebook. He asked me about and I just kinda played it off like it wasn't a bnig deal. I really didn't want to tell him it was b/c she had helped me w/ my depression. I just seem to have a really hard time discussing dpepression w/ most of my good friends. Its nothing against them, I'd rather not scare people and have them wondering about me.

    I know its not the best approach, its just a way I deal w/ things. It tends to be easier for me to talk w/ girls about these problems than guys. Prob some deep rooted thing about not wanting to seem weak to males. (Although my friends are hardly the type of people who would judge me like that... just some wierd thing I developed). Well he confronted me about it today, and let me know that it bothered him. He feels that he possibly might not be able to trust me (aloth of his prob w/ his ex was not knowing what she was doing and having trust issues). He feels that I have "better friensds" to talk about my probs than his ex, but I explained to him why it is hard for me to discuss my problems w/ my "good friends".

    In my mind, as along as I got some help and am still here on the earth today b/c of whoevers advice... that is a good thing for me. By all means he doesn't want to see me kill myself. I can understand why he would be angry and a lil' distrusting of me. But now I feel that this event has triggered me, and is leaving some extreme feelings of self doubt and shamefulness. I feel bad that I upset my good friend, even if the outcome was a good thing for me. I don't want him to feel uncomfrotable in his own residence, and feel bad for not telling him the truth in the first place.

    I really don't want to kill myself at the moment, but I know how easily I can fall back into old thought patterns. I've toyed w/ the idea of starting cutting again(I was never too bad, but have done it in the past). I just hope I don't end up buying a gun(which i will in the future for defense), and get drunk one night and make a horrible mistake. Sorry for the long post. Any help and/or input would be greatly appreciated.:sigh:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2010
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't think you did anything wrong; you confided in someone you felt comfortable with, and that's okay. It might help things though, if you were able to be more honest with your roommate about what you're dealing with. I understand why that's not easy, but it could be worth telling him just a little to see how he reacts.
     
  3. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Concave,

    You didn't do anything wrong.Just try to make yor roomate understand he has nothing to worry about. If his mind is going to make something where there is nothing then there is nothing you can do. How did he find out she was helping you? Who told him?

    PLEASE dont hurt yourself EVER.

    DONT let other peoples problems become your own. If you told him the truth and thats not enough for him then he has to work that out for himself. DONT let other people make you the focus of THEIR problems. I have had this happen to me. THEN you take on their guilt and stress and they make you the problem and they feel better. You are their little sacrifice. NO let them work it out.IT may be time for you to withdraw from both parties till this is settled.

    You need to work on your issues and not be dragged int others. Sorry to say this but your friend shouldnt be smoking in front of you and now you are in the middle of his relationship problems. PLEASE take care of yourself. Get help for the thougts youve expressed and let your firends be for now. WE are here for you and send love and hope and caring!!!! I just said a prayer for you and hope you do too. Come here for your help and it will make you more independant. PLEASE HANG IN THERE!!!!! WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU

    Write me if you like.

    Marty
     
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