Hi!! I am not coping. Part of me, the somewhat 'delusional' part ,truly believes that I am being punished by God and that I need to continue suffering and preferably suicide to repent for all my sins*. I counter argue this with the reality that committing suicide is an act of violence towards my family and possibly not the most rational decision. But I'm still err-ing on the side of suicide 'just to be sure'. I'm not psychotic and don't hear God speaking to me, and I'm not asking to be diagnosed with anything. When I was on anti-depressants I was marginally better. Perhaps because I was a bit 'sedated'? Hard to say. The fact is I was better. I hate asking drs for anti-depressants because I feel they are going to look at me and dismiss me saying I am not 'bad enough'. Whenever I go to the doctors I get so embarassed I start laughing about it or try and joke about it which relieves my tension but doesn't support my cause... Deep down I come from a very anti-medication family and this has affected my ability to ask for pharma help. I was first given medication at 16 and my mother cried (Second time in my life I'd seen her cry) and was furious and got quite verbal at me for needing them. So I've always been um scared of getting them. I feel like I'm betraying her. But then again, I'd be betraying her if I killed myself. The first time as an adult I asked for meds I wrote it on a letter and handed it to a doctor. the second time I verbally asked but the guilt made it sound like I was self-medicating and the doctor was hesistant but I actually really fucking need them. :yay: I feel like on one hand I could struggle on, and things would get shitter. But on the other, more mature and logical mind, I know that I need them if only to prevent myself from doing anything rash. Does anyone have any advice? Should I do the letter thing? has anyone been refused anti d's? Does anyone feel like I do?? * I'm not a practising anything. I did go through a religous experience, but it was more 'love everyone, be like Jesus' type than FIRE, BRIMSTONE, LIGHTENING.