Need some advice please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cbanderson, Aug 17, 2008.

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  1. cbanderson

    cbanderson New Member

    Not sure where to start...

    I've been divorced for the past two past years. I have three kids, ages 6,4, and 3. My ex (an attorney) just married daddy Warbucks and moved into a million dollar McMansion (nothing like dropping the kids off when I drive up with them in a beat up truck and they have a BMW, Lexus and two SUVs sitting in the drive way). And I still have to give to give her $500 every two weeks. And combined they make about 4x what I do. I can barely afford mortgage and bills. It's been a flip of the coin to decide which bills get paid which don't each month. I have a history of depression and have been on various drugs off and on, but I was tired of feeling "dead" or not feeling ANYTHING from the drugs so I stopped taking them about 6 months ago. Plus they are expensive. My dad committed suicide. So did his brother. And a cousin. One of my best friends did growing up as a kid. Life's been fun.

    My girlfriend is my age, but has never had kids and doesn't seem to understand that they are kids and that it can be difficult to parent. I'm not sure if she actually loves them or not. Most of my friends and family live in different states since I decided to stay here to be close to my kids. It's hard for me alone to manage them when I have them. They all want my attention and it's really hard to physically and mentally do it. Ever change two diapers at the same time while a third is crying?

    Anyway, I got into an argument with my girlfriend today and it stemmed from the kids. SHe also seems to want to leave when things go south with the kids (i.e. disciplining them or if they talk back or do something wrong). SHe stayed the first bout, but left later in the day crying and upset - basically saying my kids were bad kids. I think I discipline them properly (sit on steps, etc.), but today was also an off day for them since they were up early between 4 and 6am. I'm most upset with myself because I grabbed the oldest when he wasn't listening and got forceful with his younger brother then I physically hurt him unintentionally. Nothing bad, but I grabbed him and pushed him inside and he started crying. It's hard to live with myself doing something like this. I know I'm an adult, and I can't live with myself by acting this way. I feel like I can't control my anger sometimes, especially when I'm constantly beckoned and needed by them from dusk till dawn on top of everything else. I barely get to eat or have time to go to the bathroom or do anything for myself. I know I "made my bed" and I'm trying to do the best I can, but I'm not sure about anything anymore. I love them more than anything and I don't want to do what my dad "did to me" so to speak, but I find it so hard to make it each day. At least my dad had an excuse, so to speak, and was bipolar, before they knew how to treat it. But I just feel like a complete f up and want to curl up in a ball and go away.
  2. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    bi polar medication is aweful...really bad for your liver anyway...they know how to treat it...but the side effects can be brutal. that must be tough for you...they basically rape men dry when it comes to divorces and paying child's ridiculous...when a man can barely afford to love your kids...but if they are being well taken care of there's no need for you to have such a difficult time....your kids still need you though...they need their would not be the same without you...and you don't want to put them through that pain; it's hard to live for someone wonder who is the selfish for wanting to be out of a world of pain...or them for wanting you to live such a painful existance...
  3. teri0407

    teri0407 Member

    I speak from experience when I say that your kids need you... break up with the girl who doesn't understand your family life. No matter what your ex's life is like, don't try to move on too quickly. Your kids need you and people don't understand the pain some of us are in... take them to the park, buy an ice cream cone, sit under a tree, smile and laugh at their silly moments, and LOVE them. A relationship with a girl can come later. For now, know that you are worth it, and love will find you when it is time. My heart reaches out to you... I know what it is like to feel the pain and sadness that you are in. Sending a smile and a hug to you. :smile:
  4. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    First up..You are not a fuck up..You are a guy under massive amounts of pressure who is doing all he can to cope with a terrible situation..

    It is so easy to be unduly harsh on yourself but when I read your post I see a loving father who is trying hard to keep his head above water and remain human..Bi polar is an evil curse but it is not something you need to go through alone..Please, use the forum to vent and express whatever it is you are feeling as some of us are the same age and going through (Or have been through) similar experiences..

    Hang on my friend..Should you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I will try to be there to take the load.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello cbanderson,
    Give your self more credit!! You are doing the right thing. As long as you are there for them, life should level out. I would take your case back to court and explain to the judge That your ex is rolling in dough now adays and that she doesn't need your money. Maybe at least he/she would take that in account and lower your child support. Let the judge know that you have been paying child support and that you have visitation rights. You are barely making ends meet. Good luck and know you are not alone.We are hear for you!!
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