Need some help please folks

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by midnightstar, Jan 13, 2013.

  1. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Bit of background story: My dad walked out on my mum back when I was a baby and rarely bothered to contact my mum or grandparents about my or my older brother's welfare and the only times I remember he did bother to appear he expected us to be there without even telling us when he was going to bother to show up, he rarely did anything for us because he didn't give a flying fart.

    Suddenly he decides he wants to get in touch even though I don't give a flying fart about him and personally I don't love him or even like him (he's remarried and the only reason why me and my brother agreed to see him occasionally was because we both like his new wife - she's an absolute angel). He decides we've got to go over to his place (which we do) rather than him making the effort to come and see us at where we lived at the time. Then he decides to lose interest for another few years then the moment he finds out that I went to college he suddenly blows up at me on facebook saying "why do you want to do that course it won't lead anywhere blah blah blah" so I delete facebook for a while so as not to make the situation worse.

    Fast forward again, I reopen my facebook and my dad finds me again then asks for my address, I make a few non committal noises because I don't really want to give that abusive bastard (excuse the language) my address, the following day I log in to facebook just to quickly check something, he somehow finds out I've been online and then blows up at me again in facebook message literally demanding to know why I haven't given him my address when I was online for 2 minutes maximum.

    Now telling him exactly where to go isn't an option because he'll just have a go at me and then drag my brother and other family members through the dirt (ie say horrible stuff to them and make them feel extremely crappy) and ignoring him isn't an option because there's a very good chance that he'll literally harass other family members just to get a reaction.

    Advice on what to do please? I currently live with my mum and Mum doesn't want him knowing the address because she hates him and I don't want to give out the address either because he can piss off out of my life and leave me alone.
  2. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Block him, but before you do, just put out bluntly to him, you may be my biological dad, but you have no right to know where I live. If I wanted you to know I would have told you. and then just block him.
  3. Wysteria Blue

    Wysteria Blue Well-Known Member

    Dear Midnightstar..

    I would unfriend him on FB. There is no reason you should lose connection to your FB friends for fear he'll be there or allow him to post things on your timeline. You can also, just show as "online except to __________" person when you are on. Both help to protect you.

    If you don't want him to have your address, I think you should call or write him an email and just say that you keep that information confidential. You don't have to say why, and ask him to leave a message on your cell or whatever if you want to have any contact with him at all. I've always found being a bit blunt and honest is the best policy in these f-ed up situations... If you feel like you don't want to talk to him for the way he'll speak to you then use the email or snail mail and then you can word it exactly the way you prefer.

    Don't know if that helps you or not, but I hate to see you cower or hide from friends because of him, or have to take any stuff off of him right now.
    Hope all else is ok too..

  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thats a tough story. I am sorry he has done all this to you and your family. How would it feel to you if you either unfriended him or blocked him from seeing your page? Do you think it would be possible for you to do? The only other thing I can think of is to create a second fb account. one with a ficticious name. I actually have one which I use to play games on fb. I will not play the games under my real name. Because my friends and family would never play games. But I do. So I have a very active fb account with a name that is not real. If you decide to do this, then you could let friends know to use this account instead. If he finds out, then make sure to never accept a friend invite from him.

    If possible, the most direct way to handle it is to unfriend or block him. I am not sure that an explanation would be required or would ever suffice. Usually people like this refuse to take any responsability for their actions. Instead they are heavily invested in blame of other people for hurting and rejecting them. Hard to have bounderies with a parent like this. I am sorry its happening
  5. Allis

    Allis Active Member

    Please, for you own sake, block him.
    If you feel the need to talk to him before hand then go ahead; however he doesn't deserve any excuse from you.
    Talking to you is a priveledge, not his right, don't ever forget that <3
  6. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    It's your absolute right to deny him your address. I would just block that bastard.
  7. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    I've blocked him and let my brother know what's happening so if he goes whining to my brother then brother can tell him that I decided I don't want the bastard in my life
  8. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Idk how well you can compose yourself as I know parents have a way of melting us, even if we don't know them too well. But you could be straight up with him that if he thinks this is how any relationship goes then he has some serious thinking to do. He's not been a father to you, nor a friend. He gave up his responsibilities and rights into your life the moment he walked out, which also leads to him losing the right to judge your life.

    Perhaps it might not be the time right now for this because I understand what you are saying about the ramifications of what happens between you two. But this losing interest in you after walking out and being inconsistent, and highly opinionated of your life is not something he is entitled too. Its something that is earned, and he in my opinion has no right to talk to you or treat you like that. If you want to have a relationship with him, I think at some point you're gonna have to put him straight. Friends don't even do that in general to eachother. I've fallen out with my friends and I wouldnt dream of casting an opinion on their lives. As for my parents, we don't speak that much and I bite my tounge when i dont agree with things. Granted they dont so much, but they try. They don't barge or assume they have the right to judge. And the real kicker imo is because they dont know me all to well. And that's the most important thing in a relationship. Not telling, but wanting to be and share time with eachother and who you are. Not who you want someone to be.

    Hope youre feeling better. You're in the right imo.