Need some input

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JMW829, Feb 22, 2014.

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  1. JMW829

    JMW829 New Member

    I just want to Win, win something anything. I don't want to come really close to winning, or kind of win. I want to MotherFucking win, I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of being so close and failing. I try to be a good person, help people, care about people..does that fucking matter? no! It fucking doesn't matter. I'm tired of waiting and hoping God will look down on me if I stand long enough. I can't ever just have a win, 1 fucking win.

    Why the fuck do I even roll out of bed every morning, my life stays the same even if I don't and sleep all day everyone thinks I do that anyway. So what the fuck? Why do I even wake up at all? Why doesn't God wake someone else up? Someone actually deserving to fucking breathe and walk the Earth. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of getting stabbed randomly, I'm tired of getting treated like shit, I'm tired of being a decent person and getting nothing, I'm tired of living on Earth, I'm tired of shit passing me by, I'm tired of these fucking suicidal thoughts, I'm tistraightooking and feeling like shit, I'm tired of not having money, I'm tired of being judged, I'm tired of being fucking TIRED.

    Do I not try hard enough? Do I not want anything badly enough? What the fuck is wrong with me?????? WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??? Why can't I get what I fucking want ever?! There's always someone or something holding me back, fuck that someone is always me cause I constantly fuck everything up.

    I act like this person I'm not, I almost bullshit myself sometimes. I'm not a good person, I'm not a hard worker, I'm not good enough for fucking anything. That has to be fucking it... Must be it. I just want to have enough balls to <mod edit - methods> and doom myself. Why can't God, why hasn't God just killed me in my fucking sleep already, that would take so much work and pain away. Why didn't I die after being stabbed? Why can't I get hit by a truck or something?

    All I want to do is WORK my ass off all day long, PROVIDE for my family and do that for 30 years straight, that's fucking it why can't I get a chance to prove I'm worth hiring?

    I want to have a life! Like a real 20 year old! Not a fucking dying man. I want to party, rave, smoke and have fun too! My idea of fun is in the bathroom with water running or going to subway. I want to fucking live, don't I deserve to live?

    I want to fucking throw chairs, punch walls, and punch everything almost everyday...cause I'm tired, I'm not happy. I'm filled with rage and hate, it's covered by calm and dorky me.

    I hate everything about myself, I hate everything I do, I hate how I talk, I hate how I eat, I hate how I have sex, I hate everything from the simplest shit to the highly complex things like the way I think.

    What do I have to live for? That family I'll probably never get from R or maybe that job I really want that I may not get? Maybe a decent respectable life? Just a bunch of uncertainty and doubt, as far as the eye can see.

    Maybe it's just New York, maybe it's too fast for me. How do I get out? Even If I fucking wanted to try, I'd just fail that too.

    I see R's house and I'm like I'd give anything to live there's, so quiet and peaceful...easy going. Beautiful. Then I think about where I live, noisey, violent, ghetto, hard. I'm not built for this shit. I want to move to Georgia and fucking live in house cause its so much cheaper and nicer, that's what I want. That's what I need.

    One day I'll wake up one morning, and just finally be committed to leaving this place one way or afuckingnother. Adios! Piece of shit world. The right hasn't even truly began and I'm already tired and out of fight.

    I don't ask for much of this world, maybe I should. I want to love and be loved, make money not a lot..not too little... I want a baby to raise to grow into a decent person..not a goody goody...not a piece of shit, just a person who see's the world and wants to make it better. That's it. My dreams..no mansion, no fancy boat, no room of sex women or fast cars, just a 40,000 a year job where I'm expected to work my ass off. I must've done something to deserve this, maybe in a previous life? Or maybe I did something I forget? Maybe I'll do something in the future? Maybe I'm just an unlucky piece of shit....maybe I'm too blinded on the negatives to see the positives.

    I just want someone to hug me and tell me it'll be okay. Or just take some time to give a fuck about me and forget themselves and say "Poor, J" sounds stupid and selfish but that's what I want. I feel so unimportant and small, who would notice or care if I died? My family? My girlfriend? They'd probably cry, but soon they'll stop crying and move on, and that's fine you can mourn a piece of shit forever. But that shows how much I matter, the world won't stop spinning, the people won't stop living. They'll all move on and forget you in about a year, 2,3,4,5 years tops and you're a ghost who no one remembers. A sudden instant unseeable death would be greatly appreciated right about now, knowing my luck that will happen when everything is going good lmaooooo.

    Where's my mom? Sleeping clueless cause she has no reason to give a fuck about me, understandable.. She's had a long day at work. I don't give any clues to what I really feel and who am.
    Wheres my girlfriend, my future wife? Out, being happy and free not giving a fuck about me, why should she, my problems are only mine, she has enough of her own and deserves to have fun.
    My brothers can't help me, I don't blame them, they're young.
    My father, I wish I knew him, maybe he'd be able to help, too bad he doesnt give a fuck about me.
    Not connected enough to my Grandad, cousins, aunts, or uncles for them to give a fuck, besides.. They have they're own lives to lead.

    Me, I can't help myself...no self esteem, low self worth, blinded my negativity and desire. I have little hope! That's the only thing that keeps me breathing, so...? What's happens when I lose all hope, maybe that's when I can truly let go and live!?! Or maybe I'll be able to fully let go and die?

    R= my girlfriend
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2014
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    HI jMW, glad to see you hear and that you've had the courage to write it all out. I so understand where you're coming from, and so many questions about why life is the way it is, which we all wish it wasn't! We're here to support each other and to gain thinking skills about navigating our way through. I do hope that you will be comforted and inspired by the virtual hugs here in cyberspace, where people are real and will accept you just the way you are, and try to help. You are still very young and there's always time to start over. You're an intelligent person who wants things to be better. Please take an inventory of everything you do have going for you, even if you think this is a dumb suggestion because of your feelings at the moment. What stands in the way of you getting some financial empowerment, - it seems to me that this is #1 on your priority list at the moment, something you can devote your energies to pursuing, which will help take your mind off the other stuff. In times of crisis or desperation it's a good plan to take a deep breath and slow right down, especially dwelling upon things which are negative for you. The sad fact of life is that it isn't like it is on the T.V, movies etc. where everything seems to work out alright with minimum effort and lots of luck. There is great potential in acceptance of what to us seems so unfair, and joining with others who understand and can help you steer your boat. :) Please be assured that this is a very caring site where we are all trying to lighten loads, ourselves and others. :)
     
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