need some support, everything in my life hurts

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by simeon of TM, Jun 27, 2013.

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  1. simeon of TM

    simeon of TM Member

    me, my brother and my brothers fiancee whos got a 6month visa from the us and is on a 6month visa often go waling in a park near me and i told them i woke up crying today suicidally depressed and my soon to be sister in law tara are like brother and sister, we lend each other stuff, we talk about all sorts and were as close as brother n sister n i was totally ready to just end it today so i asked for sum company....i have so much going wrong, my mums dying, my landlords coming round this weekend and he plays all these freaky and often illegal mind-games on me that i just can't handle at the moment and yeah my soon to be sister in law is called tara and i finally got through my cage of social anxiety to ask for some familial comfort and said i feel terribe n if theres a sisterly hand going and she xould see i was in a bad way and she said sure and we were all three holding hands my brother the other side and it was the first time in years i felt like i had real family that cares about me, my parents dont love me...they just don't....trust me.

    and it felt like a really positive lovely walk where we all cared about each other, she was holding my brothers hand and she was holding my hand coz i was severely depressed and no ones ever nice to me like that i thought it was really wonderful and i asked my brother 'dya wanna go that way?' and he just turned on me looking furious going 'DYA WANT ME TO BLOW MY FUCKING TOP???' i was totally confused and thought it was coz i had talked too much and i just said 'if you wanted a quiet walk i would have just been quiet if you just say so. and then without explanation he kicks his car door in and starts smashing things and just goes ballistic, i still didn't know what the problem was but amongst him going mental apparently.....

    it was coz basically someone who's my only friend outside of my brother who i only see as a sister and he knows how moral i am, its not just social for me its spiritual, me knows me inside out and how i i see tara as a sister ive never once made any sexual anything toward her...why would i i see her as a very good friend/sister, it was the most physical comfort i've had in many years and i was just about kinda holding her coat sleeve really and i thought id finally found kind of a mutually supportive lil family there, im painfully alone, everyone here treats me like human garbage, i have no other friends and it felt how things should be, my parents and growing up family life was a minefield of neglect and pain, i felt like i finally found a new mini family...i spend everyday with my brother for years he knows me inside out and i am honestly the most honest, moral person you'll meet, not touting my own horn but i have little else to be proud of about myself except that i am a good person, ive never stolen, cheated, lied, stolen anyone's partner im always plainly honest and loyal to those who'd be friends or in a relationship with me.

    so i thought it a given he knew she was just supporting me as a sister by giving me a hand to hold when my lifes a wreck and ive nothing in my life he put it down to stress of everything but....later on when calm still said he doesnt want me just holding basically my sister in aw to be's hand for a crumb of comfort when im suicidal, despite him being stressed apparently and blah de blah it still robs me of the slightest fanilial affection anyone will show me....being the whole 2 men thing my brother doesnt, none of my parents do and its just left me with....alll the more reasob to do myself in really, shes so positive and carefree i thought i could have such a good sister but theres gonna be this cloud of irrational jealousy forever now....can i give her a hug if she crying? can she give me one? im never gonna feel comfortable with them again and i need my brother with his car so that i can find a place to live.

    ive seen him explode about stuff before but, he doesn't want his suicidal brother to be comforted by someone he knows is like a sister to me, it just shows some sort of mistrust of me as even when hes later calm he says he does want me just holding her hand....we were even singing 'we are family and she was saying how nice it is to have a brother thats nice to her as hers back home are horrible.

    im really not looking for explanations of the why's and wherefores and reasons for what happened ive worked all thaat out myself....im just looking for support, my older brothers been there since i can remember and were know each other inside out, this idea that two good friends holding hands was anything other that friendship has really hurt me, i feel so much more distanced from them both and these two people are only support, imnot gonna feel as trusted every again, to assume there was anything but friendship in us holding hands really puts a wedge of distrust between me and the only person i have for support, i feel like i started the day suicidal and with nothingbut emptyness and endedit with EVEN LESS....

    if you've read this far thank you, im smart and know how my brother thinks well enough to know what happened so i politely request folk dont postulate on what happened....im just a lonily old soul looking for some comfort :'-( the solidity and purity of both their friendships kept me afloat, theyl always be this weird cloud over it now :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 27, 2013
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I imagine that felt awful and that you felt abandoned by your brother...for me, I do not make decisions when I am in this state...I wait until the dust settles so I know what would be best in the situation...sorry you are lonely..here you can find support and comfort as I know many people feel as you have written
     
  3. simeon of TM

    simeon of TM Member

    well hours after hed calmed down he told me i cant friendly hold tara's hand and was much less friendly...i ache for like a comforting friendly hug, i just want this tiny crumb of friendly real life comfort....i'm sorry i've spent far too many years only having friends on my computer screen i thought i had something irl at last

    but i do still very much appreciate your support here too...its just, ive sat alone in my room for at least 7 years this has just shattered all i have irl :-(

    i dunno where id go if it werent for here tho thanks 4 ur support
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 27, 2013
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so painful to have something so important taken away by a person's misguided distrust...I am truly sorry..and yes, here there is caring support.
     
  5. simeon of TM

    simeon of TM Member

    i love your signature quotes and thank you for your kind post, i sent you a pm hoping we could talk more i hope that's okay?
     
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