Need someone to confide in...Nothing makes me happy..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheLonelyAloePlant, Dec 27, 2007.

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  1. TheLonelyAloePlant

    TheLonelyAloePlant Well-Known Member

    Since it was just the holidays, stress had worn off. For a bit.
    As soon as it ended, (the holidays) I felt all of the old stress and depression rushing back. I remember how my school life is. If it makes it easier, I'll just list my problems.

    -Picked last in almost everything
    -As small as this may seem, not included in any group pictures, and if I am, they're almost always deleted.
    -Discriminated because I'm white; I often hear the term white used as an insult around my school like (and this is an almost exact quote) "I hate him because he's Asian and he doesn't act Asian. He acts white and I hate his white guts."
    -Having trouble in my classes
    -My friends exchange glances when they think I'm not looking. They're very wary, annoyed glances. A combination of these- :dry: :unsure:

    --At home--
    -I live with my mother and grandparents, and though it doesn't sound bad, my grandparents are always screaming at each other, and the house hadn't been taken care of for 20+ years before we moved in. No one wants to come to my house because of that.

    - My mom is on the verge of a mental breakdown because of her work schedule, and is moody a lot. She seems like a burden is on her, and I feel that burden is me.

    --My Self--

    -I have self esteem issues. I never accept compliments, I always twist them in my mind to seem like they were obligatory compliments.

    -I expect the worst out of every situation. I get in the car, I think "Well, here goes my last days on Earth. We're going to crash."

    -I'm sadistic. I'll make myself cry. I don't even know why.

    And all these thoughts are being pushed down upon me at 13. I should be enjoying my life right about now, but all I feel is shame.

    --Before You Ask--
    - I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety
    - I am on medication
    - I go to therapy

    The medication seems to be wearing off, though.

    Sorry for the long read, but I need help.
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    first of all welcome to SF,
    I'm sorry to hear that life's being so hard on you.
    have you ever tried to talk to your friends about the 'glances' they share? I know it can be really hard but maybe it's worth a try to try to figure things out.
    Sorry i don't have more to say.
    Hope to hear of your emprovement soon - don't hesitiate to contact me.
  3. ward

    ward Member

    I understand this must be very hard to go through live but don't give up the fight.
    don't be afraid to talk about it. People are here to help and I really hope you find the strength to open up

    trust me, it will help.
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