Need someone to talk to, been keeping things in for too long

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by adler, Aug 29, 2009.

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  1. adler

    adler Active Member

    I'm depressed. And I know you've probably read this a hundred times before. I strongly suspect I have avoidant personality disorder.

    It always starts with school. I delude myself that I'll be normal enough for other people to like me, but I never am. I can feel the condescending and sympathetic looks I get whenever I try to "blend in" and just talk to people. It's almost too much to bear. I feel like I'm worthless. I never can say the right words, almost all of my conversations end in awkward silences and I watch as the person I'm talking to thinks of ways to excuse themselves from me. That's why I'm always alone. Being alone in crowds hurts the worst, everything reminds me of how alone and pathetic I am. And see? Here I am whining about how pathetic I am. That's how sad everything is. This started a couple of years ago. And I've attempted once to end it all, when I got sectioned with a clique that had superiority complex. I was used, and I never got to hear the end of the backstabbing and laughter behind my back. I remember when one of them asked me if it was true that I currently came out of a drug rehab center, and if I used drugs.

    And another thing, this is something that I've never shared with anybody ever before. I strongly think I'm bi. And that makes me feel so bad though I don't know why.

    Now the cycle's starting all over again. I'm losing my drive, my appetite. I'm lucky if I get 5 hours of restful sleep. I often wake up crying, though I can never figure out why.

    I'm not on the verge of suicide, and I don't want to go down that road again if I can help it. That's why I'm here.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey I am here do you want to talk here or in PM? or IM?
    I will wait to hear from you....

    I care I really do...
  3. adler

    adler Active Member

    Here's ok. I just need somebody unbiased to talk with. Thank you for caring...
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Well first I would like to ask about you? Age? How long you been feeling this way? Do you have support? Friend? Family? Therapist? That really helps and of course you have us too!

    Are you male or femme? I really think coming to terms with one's sexuality if very difficult and as a bi-sexual woman I have struggle with it in many ways myself. I am fortunate to live in a town that is very tolerant of it but still it has been hard.

    Not sure where you want to start with topic wise but knowing more sure would help me and other give you support.

    Let me know more about you and what you want to talk about...
    Hugs Bambi
  5. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Blending in is a difficult thing to do, when you are not like other people. I'm not sure how the feelings started, but most people don't have to deal with that same type of pain. Not that it means life is any easier, each person is different, and has different challenges to face, and different issues in life.

    The first thing i will say is trying to make yourself blend in, is not neccessarily a good thing. I understand that need for friendship, to be with people, but it also means there will always be that barrier there. If people treat you badly, then you can blame yourself, but if they treated you well, you could still say that its only because its not the real you, which would probably make such friendships unsatisfactory either way. On the other side of that though, remember that this pain is only one part of you, not your whole personality, and without it you are probably more of a person than with it. And this is from someone who felt exactly the same at school, struggled to fit in, simply because i was being something i wasn't. Its taken me years to get where i am now, more comfortable with myself for who i am, so it is not easy, and takes time, but it can definately be done.

    The first step is to learn that whatever struggles you have been through to cause this pain, is that it doesn't need to always be there, it doesn't need to be a part of who you are with other people. I don't mean forgetting it, or pretending it isn't there, but stepping on from it. I would suggest that you post here more, throughout the forum, and just chat to people, simply because your biggest boundaries, depression, attempted suicide, and possible personality disorders, are things which each of us here have lived with in some form or another. There is no stigma here for that, no judgement for it, so you can set it aside and be the real you. It might take time to get used to, i'm not sure how comfortable you are with talking to people online, but it was the first real positive step i took, changing my life, and being able to be myself, so i would ask for you to give it a go.

    As for possibly being bisexual, its not something you need to feel bad about. Sometimes these feelings are just something that you develop out of, and sometimes they are more. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, its just something you have to take time to think about, and see how things go.

    I would hope you can share with us more about yourself, whatever you feel comfortable with, either on this thread, or anywhere on the forum. People here won't judge you for the problems that you have had in the past, or laugh behind your back. We will just listen, and try to help if we can, whether you need a place to talk about how bad you are feeling, or just want a chat some time, thats what SF is here for.
  6. adler

    adler Active Member

    @bambi: I'm seventeen, and I've been this way since I was eleven, though it's been getting progressively worse. I tried to open up to my mom when she accidentally saw wounds on my wrist. She's the religious type and I think you know what that's like. For a while it worked, then the depression crept back again until I was back at square one. I'm female, and I'm going to take out the maybe and say that I am bi. There. It's been hard just to type it and see it in front of you. I know nobody here's going to accept that, they'll just pretend they do. Problem is I have to check myself everytime so I won't give anything out. Yeah, you are fortunate to live in a tolerating town, but yeah it is still hard. Since everything's out already I'll also tell you about the fantasies. Yes I fantasize, set little stories in my head. It helps me sleep. But it also makes me feel immense guilt when I look at my parents. What would happen if they found out what goes on inside my head and what I really am?

    @menchi: Thank you for your kind words. This is the only place I've ever let everything out without somebody saying "nobody loves you" or "go back under your rock", online or otherwise. I do hope that like you I can take that step, I've never gotten along with people. I was in third year when I got sectioned with THOSE people. They backstabbed, laughed, ridiculed me just because I spent most of my time alone. There was even a point when they bossed me around and treated me like a servant. But there was a part of me that wanted so badly to fit in that I almost did everything they asked me. Pathetic. Everytime I talk to people now I remember that year, and it's hard not to.
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi Adler! I am gonna reply but I take too much time to reply but give me a few minutes and you will see a second post! BTW where are you roughly, don't give away too much but country and major nearby city would sure help as my advice is different at times esp. as to how to get help and well the whole bi thing too.
  8. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Okay regarding these "fantasies" I want to share a story with you.
    I had this "voice" in my head that would talk to me. I was in my early twenties and seeing a therapist as part of couples therapy. Well the "voice" would not tell me to kill people but it would say things like "hey dumb ass" or "wow those people are staring at you Bambi cuz your ugly" shit like that.
    Well I trusted this therapist so very much and so one day I went to therapy with a duffle bag of clothes and personal belongings like toothbrush, hair brush and few books. I was certain that when I told him about the "voice" he was gonna send me away for sure but if he felt i needed to go i would...i trusted him that much. So i walked in with my bag and he asked what with the bag...and so I finally told of my "voice" and he just laffed his ass off. Seems there is this thing called "self talk" and that we all have a "voice" of sorts in our head which is different than "hearing voices" ....entirely different. My point is maybe these fantasies are like my voice just a natural extension of yourself? If you are disturbed by them then maybe go see a therapist or run it by us here at SF as maybe it is something we have seen before.

    As far as support how is your life? Any close friends or family you can share your thoughts with ?

    Sorry to hear about your cutting that always saddens me as it brings back memories of how sad I once was and how I too turned to self mutilation as a way to deal with the pain.

    And seriously there are many types of sexuality here so don't worry about people pretending to accept as chances are you are getting replies from straights, gays, lesbians, transgenders and bisexuals so really trust me on this one your are amongst family here.

    Hugs Bambi....
  9. adler

    adler Active Member

    Thank you for sharing. Yeah I think I had the self talk/voice thing too. It trashed everybody I saw like, "wow she looks like shit" or "that guy looks like a thief" and stuff like that. Thankfully it stopped. As for the fantasies, I won't go into details, as I think it's too sensitive and you'll probably be put off from replying, I'm just gonna say it's not something you share with children.

    I have a few close friends, but they'll probably bolt if I say anything I've been telling you guys here. Not that they're bad friends, it's just that the Adler here is a completely different Adler from who they know. Family? No, I don't want to give them problems, and I won't be able to handle it if they start looking strangely at me. I admire you for being so open.

    Yeah I know what you mean about cutting. It seems like a good idea when you're in that much confusion and pain. I'm also sorry you went through that.

    I live in the Philippines near a city called Paranaque.
  10. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    wow adler have you thought about talking to a therapist or counselor about these fantasies? I mean you seem to suggest they are not appropriate even maybe illegal thoughts which is not healthy for you.
    If am wrong than I certainly am sorry but that was the impression I got based upon what you sad. They seem to be bothering you so that is why I am concerned.

  11. adler

    adler Active Member

    You're right. They're definitely not appropriate. I don't think I can talk to counselors or therapists about this. It's like....I can't. I'm too afraid of what they'll think.

    It bothers me because they're not NORMAL fantasies. Even though I wanna stop, it's like an addiction.
  12. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I was afraid too when I told about the "voice"/self talk but I wanted to get better so bad I decided to act in spite of my fear and seek help. Hell what if I was crazy and was gonna get worse? Eek I wanted to get better right away before worse happened.
    I really hope you keep seeing a therapist as an option.
    Well let me know if you want to talk about anything else.

  13. adler

    adler Active Member

    I suggested it once to my mom that maybe I should get therapy. That was after the cutting incident. She just lectured me about how God would make it all work and that I didn't need it.

    Here I am now.

    Anyway. Thank you Bambi, for your time and words. It's nice to be able to talk to somebody who understands.
  14. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Adler you are old enough to go get in on your own too.
    Often when we are in the middle of matters/difficulty we need someone to advocate for us and do some ground work like finding clinics etc it the area. I would be happ yto do that for you! I am in the process of putting together my own handbook of resource groups in the US so this is right up my alley.
    I just think that having us is gonna do wonders for you but may or may not be enough. Between all of us here we have seen and done it all but we are not pros and having someone there physically that you can meet with is great!

    well I think you are gone... hopefully you will be back tomorrow.
  15. adler

    adler Active Member

    Still here.:). but may be gone in a while.

    Yeah I'll be back tomorrow, and the day after that, ad infinitum.I think SF is exactly what I need to sort my head out.

    Hopefully someday I'll be the one helping others like youre doing. TYSM Bambi!
  16. Madison_Rose

    Madison_Rose Active Member

    Hey there adler :) I've self-diagnosed with AvPD too - I work on trying to socialise but I'm just awful at it. I was worse in my teens though. Being bisexual's great - it doubles your chance for a date on saturday night! :D Seriously, though, most of the 20-soemthing women I know(including me) have had at least one sexual experience with a member of the same sex, in some cases because they're bi, in some cases just to try it out.

    How do you feel about your Mum's religion? Are you religious at all? Does it help you? Whether it does or not, your Mum saying that you don't need therapy and god will sort it out was foolish and unhelpful, IMO. Depression is an illness, I'm sure she'd take you to the doctor for any other serious illness, she wouldn't tell you to pray to get over pneumonia. (Maybe she would, but that would be stupidly dangerous.) I'm not religious, I am a Bright :)
  17. adler

    adler Active Member

    Hey madison_rose. Sorry to hear about the AvPD, but glad to hear it's been better. It's such a crippling disorder. I can't get through one day without replaying conversations in my head then beating myself up over things I said and didn't say. I get so bad with conversations out of fear of saying something wrong or awkward, so I just shut up even when I badly want to reach out and talk to people.

    I'm okay with my mom's religion, I'm catholic too, just not even remotely close to how devoted she is. It's just that I hate it when anything's shoved down my throat, and that includes religion.To some extent I believed her when she said "no you don't need therapy you just need to open yourself up to God ........" but that belief only lasted me a week, and after that the cycle started again. I don't know if it's because I don't have enough faith or there's something wrong with my head that won't go away with positive thinking. I think it's the latter. I don't want to ask her again. I don't want to disappoint her, and I know she'll say the same thing.
  18. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    hi adler
    it is nonsense that you do not need therapy just because you have god in your life.If "god' could give you advice..he/she/it would tell you to get therapy :blink:
    Bambi is right....maybe you can look into getting some help without your need to find someone you trust to turn to..someone who can help you get the help you need.
  19. TheDayThatNeverComes

    TheDayThatNeverComes Active Member

    One thing I know, you should should stop listening to your parents, stop looking up to them. Your family will never understand you or take seriously what you say. There are strangers that will.. I'm sure you've already made some friends on here. In the OP you said, 'yes I fantasize but then looking at my mother makes me feel guilty and(..)' and that's what it will always be like.

    Anyway, that's what it's like to me..
  20. adler

    adler Active Member

    Damn it. I relapsed on self-harm. My mom took off one night because of something I did, and she never does that. She came back late and I heard her and my dad having a huge row, now it's my dad who doesn't come home. And it's all because of me. I caused it. I can't bear the guilt and I've started cutting again after 2 years of control. DAMN IT. Those looks everyone gave me while asking where my mom went that night just made me wanna hurl.
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