need someone to talk to

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tom88, May 19, 2008.

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  1. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    Alright so ive been trying to start a typing journal to kinda help cope with how I feel, and this is my first time here so I thought id put an entry in here so I could get a decent second opinion. (I was a little upset at the time sorry for the profanity.

    Trying to learn about my feelings or maybe get them out. I’m tired of being depressed, I just want it to go away and yet, I want to cling to it because it’s my way out if things are, in MY opinion, too much to bear with. First off I want to say that I don’t give a f*** what other people think, it’s my life, I’m in control of it and no one else is, all decisions I make regarding my own person health is my own f****** choice. I don’t give a F*** who does have it worse than me, if they do then they can kill themselves just like I can. That being said the previous statement means that I do have my options, selfish as they are I don’t give a f***, it’s my life and my decision and most importantly my way out, no one can say otherwise. I don’t want to die, not completely anyway, but that doesn’t mean I want to control the world using suicide as a sort of hostage. I want things to be good again but I have no f****** idea what I mean by that. I want things to be good but I have no clue how or what I want it to be like, I feel like I’m going around endlessly in a circle of nothingness. I don’t know what to do anymore, I want to die, and it’s not even like something’s terribly wrong or bad that makes me want this, I just want to stop living. I’m thinking to myself that there is no purpose to living anymore, there is no reason to pain through each day, it’s like playing a video game RPG or something, getting the best gear and everything, top level ECT... what is the point after that? My point short is that I’ve done all there is to do for ME, what’s the point of continuing to play? To help others succeed? To what avail? And another thing is that is bugging the s*** out of me is when people say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem when it’s in fact a permanent solution to a LIFETIME of temporary problems… that’s an important f****** detail considering it’s a life fact. I question life every day and wonder what I can do to improve it and the answer always comes back that there is no point to it, I’m not sad, I just believe there is no reason to live for anybody. I don’t believe in any god but even if I did that would enforce my point, how can a god expect someone to suffer so much and then when they seek solace in death how can he… or it, punish that person, so even if I were to commit suicide, there’s no way that I should be considered bad or punished. Today I feel hopeless and just generally depressed, not that I can’t accomplish anything, but that there is nothing left to accomplish. So by now maybe whoever is reading this can understand my point of view, I’m here on a limb, I really don’t care about living and it’s like I’m on a bridge and anyone that wants to push me off can do so easily because I DON’T F****** CARE. Give me a job, alright cool whatever, a million dollars, alright so I’m wealthy big deal, take all my money away, I don’t want to live anymore. It’s like I’m just along for the ride, and will get off when the trains going too fast because I DON’T care.

    I was hoping someone could give me an opinion or something

    Edit: Fixing the obsenety, and id like to note that id appreciate somebodys opinion despite what the log says
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2008
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    hey tom

    well you got it right, everything you do is up to you, its your chioce how you live and how you think, is that selfish? yes of course but we all have the right to be a bit selfish.
    but you will find alot of people here will drop that bit to help others no matter what they are going thru.

    you don't give a fuck about other people's opinion or what they think, yes you do thats why you are here, you do care bud coz you know that means you are alive and you want to live.

    depression is a nasty thing, you will have good days and bad ones, we all do here, and i can feel you have alot of anger too.
    life is up to you to make what you can of it, death isnt the answer.
    i have no idea how to make your life better only you can do that, maybe you can post about what has happened to bring you to this point or is it just a build up of anger and hopelessness.

    stay safe
  3. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    Well, I dont exactly know where to begin, but I guess it began back in high school, I remember having ALOT of down times my sophomore year, I was accused of threatening someone out of the blue, had to talk to a cop and go to a court hearing and in the end it was just shoved aside but had to pay court fees. My grades werent doing that well and I wasnt getting along well with my friends. I was living with my father and eventually we would argue about the stupidest things and for a time (about 2 months) I lived with friends, this was at the beginning of my senior year in high school. I ended up moving in with my mother and graduated on time. For a few months I tried getting a job but never got any replies, and eventually went into the service. After my training things were great at my duty station, for a time. When it came time to train though, we trained late, and that put pressure on everybody and while I tried to keep an optimistic attitude towards everything, I think it backfired as I was usually the target to be picked on in a sense. It got to the point sometimes where I got pissed off and threatened them to back off and usually it worked, but eventually I got in trouble and was told to stop... Well I did and everything kinda bottled up and I just didnt want to deal with it anymore so I broke down. Thats when I was admitted to a ward for a week to find a solution to my problem, they put me on meds and out I went for a couple of weeks it was fine, noone picked on me or anything. I went home on one of the four day weekends and I came back at 1 in the morning, took a sleeping pill and at 4 we had a urinalysis, I got up, did that (finnished last) went back up to my room and blacked out... the next thing I remember im in the hospital, everythings blurry and im throwing up (I think) and then I passed out again. After all this, it was told to me that i'd tried to overdose on ambien. Again I was put in a ward and a week later I was released and thats when they decided to chapter me out of the army, and I went along with it because I thought it was the best decision. Anyways, ive been home for about 2 months now, and things have gone in the dump sorta, no job, my first college classes dont start till june, and im slowly running out of money that I had saved up, I still talk to a few friends that I talk to from high school but because my sleep cycle gets ruined easily im now sleeping during the day. My sister, who has been on/off drugs for the past few years and has 2 kids, one of which is in foster care, tries to tell me what I need to do and it pisses me off because im just sick of people giving me crap. and my mother tries to tell me how to raise my ferrets every dam time I try to discipline them to show them whats wrong and right. Everythings stopped, im going nowhere and losing my dam mind in this place. I even thought about shooting myself in front of her for mothers day I was that pissed off, talk about sick. I just need some direction or something, I just dont know what it is, feel like im lost inside my own head... I just dont know where to go anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2008
  4. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    sounds like you have had a rough time.

    joining up will either break someone or make them but because of the complete difference to civvie life you have to be 100% ready for it, its a shame that you weren't quite ready for it, sounds as if you wanted it but things didint just go your way. i didnt last either for reasons only my 16 year old self knew, god thats so long ago.
    maybe the guard will be easier and yet give you that sense of belonging to something without leaving your civillian life too, maybe after a while you can re-enlist in the future.
    life is only what you make of it but only you can dictate what you want to do, others will try telling you whats best but that is done out of love.
    have you sought help proffessionally?
  5. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    I havent actually talked to a psychiatrist since I left texas. im kinda nervous about talking to people face to face about my problems because it seems so irrevelant then, in a calm situation. I think what you said about having a sense of belonging is what I need and I have my option to reenlist in 2 months, so if that option opens up im definately thinking about the guard. I would like to talk to a psychiatrist but I have no idea how to go about doing that, and I wanna do it discreetly, I dont want my family or friends to know.
  6. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    well i am glad that you seem to have something in mind for the future to help you thru this as i am in the uk i have no idea ow you can go about seeking proffessional help but i assume using a doc first would be a start, they will keep it private as they do here.
  7. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    well, I havent had a doctor since I left the military, its the first time doing things for my own, so I gotta figure out what im doing.
  8. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    well today would be a good day to start bud, you've got it in you to find the path you want to follow.

    stay safe
  9. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    I agree with you that your life is a life you yourself should be the one to decide on how to live it. Don't let those self righteous jerks lecture you about how to live or not live your life.

    Life is something pushed on us by chance. Not everyone is capable of living or fighting with the world. Myself I am fine with simply existing and I don't need anything else. I don't know how to commit suicide so I simply live day by day riding along not trying to much or to hard. I have gotten so sick of everything I have given up on trying to change myself. Deep down I am fine with how my life is but when it comes to what I am things get to complicated and miserable.

    I am sorry life is so hard on you, no one deserves to be forced to exist when they don't want to. Make your own decisions and do what you think Is best. Don't ever let others make you feel guilty for how you do what you do.
  10. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    how you doing tom?
  11. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    sorry for the late response, ive been a bit busy lately. First off I still havent gotten a job, im turning in applications and whatnot but im not even getting any responses so I dont know whats going on, my moneys dwindling down to 1700 as of this week but on the bright side, the IRS is giving me my $600 on the 13th, and im filing for unemployment till I can get a job or till I can get a little bit into college. One of my pet ferrets died yesterday from Lymphoma, a fast acting cancer in young ferrets only a few months old, its so unfair I feel like a terrible owner cause I rate myself harshly on how I disciplined them both for training. I feel down all the time I mean I dont understand it, its like I dont know the meaning of happiness or I cant get to that point, its not even like anythings wrong or bad, ill just feel bad for no reason, maybe its depression I have no idea. Late yesterday I got buzzed on some jagermeister with some friends and it was ok, I had fun and all kinda but these feelings that things are pointless and hopelessness always come back and I hate it, I mean the technical terminology for it is that I want the pain of it all to go away. I think what im doing since last night is actually questioning my own existance, and I think about things like my sisters 2 kids (1 of which is in foster care, and another whos father is unknown), and I question my own self... was I an accident, and people who do that, unintentially have kids is so horrible, because you bring a child into the world, like a pet animal and it becomes not a human being, but a chore, a mistake, and its so wrong. Maybe im getting too far into the aspects of my thought. But I again question my existance, purpose, reason, importance, and actuality. I have things that go through my head constantly like a stupid train that wont stop moving and the only solace is sleep. I feel like I can write a book with all the thoughts that I have about EVERYTHING. I read a quote the other day that stated; "No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality...." and if I think about it is true in two senses, 1, the simplest, we must sleep in order to rejuvenate so to speak, and 2, the more complex, is that we all must distort reality in order to perceive it without losing sanity. So without getting too far away into my own thought, this means, and I do believe its true to an extent, that what we view as actuality is in fact a distorted version of the true version and that nothing can be guaranteed or... known for a fact. So what im getting at is this, am I losing my mind, or becoming sane? Because every time im awake I have vigorous thoughts running through my head. The only time it all goes away is when im asleep and that seems so short. I believe my thought process is not only very complex but excessively active and bothersome... maybe that is what brings me down all the time. Drinking kinda helps it because I cant think as fast so it kinda slows me down but still, I shouldnt have to do that. Anyway, thats whats on on my mind right now, any thoughts/oppinions appreciated.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2008
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know what you mean about drill instrctors. I was in the Marine Corp and I had one instructor who loved to pick on me. I guess it was because of my size 6'3" 225 lbs. He wanted to break me down as an example to the others.
    You know that is the only time in my life that I was proud of myself.
    Well to cut this short After radio school I went to Okinawa and my Capt. read my file and saw I was busted at school for having a marijuana pipe. They charged with possetion of marijuana. I told them they had there facts wrong. Well my C.O. gave me an option I could get out or stay in and make something of myself. Thats when the shit hit the fan. My Capt. there railroaded me out of the service. I wanted to stay in but he wasn't having any of that. I kick myself in the ass all the time for f------ up and getting discharged. By the way it was honorable because I did everything asked of me while I was waiting to be seperated.
    You know I sence you have alot of anger built up in you. Getting into therapy is definetly the way to go. Another thing is you might want to see about meds to help support you while you are going thru this. Sometimes you have to admit your self in the hospital so the can adjust the meds to where they can find the right combination. Well stay strong and be safe::chopper:
  13. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    hi tom

    don't beat yourself up over your ferret, things like this happen to pets and it isnt down to you, its just part of the circle of life mate.
    you don't sound as angry now which is good but i think you are over thinking things a bit, you are seeing whats going on and turning it around upon yourself and then blaming yourself, thats not fair on you bud.
    the job thing will come i time, maybe you need to jazz up your applications just a tad, thats what i used to do lol.

    i still see in you , from what i have read, someone who isnt suicidal but someone who has got confused in the past over what they want but now knows what it is they want but struggling to get them, you are just going to have to carry on trying and keeping your thoughts clear, all good things come to those who wait.

    you will get there bud, trust me, i have faith in you and i know you can do it, it may seem like the world is against you now but that will change, have the courage to keep on going for it.

    stay safe
  14. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    It's for sure that you need to see some kind of doctor. My first step was the psychiatrist at the county mental health department. Then, I started working with a psychologist, and eventually a psychotherapist. The psychiatrist saw me weekly for a while, working to get my meds figured out. Two years later, I now see him once a month and the psychotherapist and psychologist every other week. I would definitely not be alive without their help and without the support of my family.

    I'm sure it's obvious to you that you have some mental health issues and need help. I don't think I've heard where you're from, but in the US, every county, pretty much, has a mental health program. I'm on Social Security Disability, which isn't much, for mental health problems (mainly suididality). Because of the low income, I don't pay anything for the great service I'm getting. You need to get to a doctor right away, who can diagnose your problems and recommend a therapist and get you on the track to medications.

    You're worth whatever effort it will take to get your life back.

  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tuff time. I 'm sure you will find the SF is a special place. Every one here try to keep each other stable.
    I don't know about the journal you want to keep. You should give ppl the oppurtunity to say yes or no. It's the right thing to do. Some ppl might not want you to write there thoughts down. You just need to give them the choice.
    I hope by reading these posts that you are at the right place to get the support you need. Keep the faith::chopper:
  16. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    Thats cool, I dont really see myself as suicidal, but more of a position where im lost and confused at what I really want. Suicide is not what I want but when I look at my options it just seems like the easiest, and fastest, and overall problem solver (technically speaking), and thats probally why I tend to lean towards that more often then not. I have 2 friends that ive known since before high school that I talk to on a daily basis, one of which is my girlfriend and I try to talk to her about my problems but I dont think it ever helps because she doesnt exactly know what it is that bothers me either, as for my other friend, (the one that I drank with btw), I have a hard time telling him what bothers me. I have some old army buddies that I talk to every now and then who cared about me alot when I was still in, and its still good to talk to them every now and then, but I dont want to put my problems onto them, they are on the verge of deploying to a foreign country. Ive been in a ward before and, while it is relaxing to an extent, I would much rather not go into one again and thats why I have my skepticism on psychiatrists, I hated the helplessness I had while I was in it, like every of my actions were controlled, it was stupid and rediculous. On that topic, I still have no idea how to even schedule an appointment with a therapist, I dont have a doctor, ive never had to have to get one by myself. I mean, I kinda want to but I really hate bringing my issues into the open or public place. As ive said before, I notice when I sleep its so peaceful, the world doesnt matter and thoughts arent coordinated, I think I might be realizing that I have some type of.... singularity so to speak, that noone else has.... but I dont mean to sound arrogant. I'm not exactly sure how to say it, I guess I just cant slow my mind down, and it annoys and saddens me (with specific thoughts).
  17. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    If you're in the USA, find the county mental health office, walk in and tell them you are in crisis. They should have a therapist available to help you and get you into the system. I've experienced nothing but good with all those I've dealt with. I have told my therapist everything about myself. Opening up some of my lifetime struggles has been therapeutic. I'm a long way from where I know I could be, but I have made major changes.

    A therapist can help you sort out your feelings and needs. It's simple to become a client.

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