For the record, I am 23 and have had OCD for most of my life. I have had all sorts of different obsessions throughout my life. Some were small, some were big, some went away, some have stayed. My journey with this disorder has been a very unpredictable one. I am quite used to living this way and have found a way to just live around it for the most part. I am a college graduate and have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. I am a very intelligent and responsible person overall. However, I find that some of my obsessions (and compulsions for that matter) have started to take over my life, the older that I get. Things that I used to be able to just "deal" with, I am having a hard time doing so now. To make a long story short, my biggest obsession has been with pregnancy. I have known from a very early age that I never wanted kids and would be utterly devastated if I ever got pregnant. I could write a book on all of the reasons why this is so but I won't do that now. I have always felt this way and therefore, have always avoided pregnancy in any way I can. In my younger years, it was just a general fear type of thing; it didn't impact my life greatly either way. I have been sexually active from the age of 15 onward...but have only had full blown intercourse maybe 5 times in my whole life. I used to be content with the fact that as long as I don't go "all the way" that I would be okay and never get pregnant, plus it would give me a way to handle my sexuality without worrying me sick every single day. Currently, I have been in a relationship with the same guy for the past 7 years. We have only had intercourse a few times, and that was over 5 years ago when we were teenagers. We have consistently had other types of sexual contact though. I have found that over the past couple years, this pregnancy fear has grown into a full blown obsession with me and it is greatly affecting my life and my relationship. It started getting worse when I actually began to read up about pregnancy (researching things constantly is one of my compulsions) and found out that you can get pregnant without intercourse. My heart fell into my stomach. Ever since then, which was about 2 years ago, every once in awhile, I would convince myself that I got pregnant from fingers, clothing, etc. Recently, it has been really bad for the past several months. I am hardly ever intimate with my boyfriend at all anymore because of it. Any time I think about being intimate, I imagine semen seeping into me somehow and swimming around in me just trying to get me pregnant, and I freeze up and have an anxiety meltdown. I have felt really suicidal lately because of this because I am afraid that I will lose my relationship. I have so few things in my life that go well or make me happy. I love my boyfriend more than anything and if I lost him, I would have very little to live for. I couldn't ask for a more patient guy who would go without intercourse for long. I am tormented by the thought that I may never be able to have intercourse for the rest of my life and that my boyfriend will eventually end up leaving me or cheating. My quest to find a way around this has consumed my every waking moment. I feel so trapped. There is no birth control that is 100 percent, not even sterilization, and I could never be okay with aborting, birthing, or adoption. That leaves me with 0 options. I feel so depressed and angry. I hate myself for having so many mental problems. I hate myself for not being able to deal with life. I am angry that we are born being able to reproduce by default, without an easy way out of it. I am angry at those who have had birth control never fail them for their entire life and that they can deal with this with ease. I also feel that God hates me for feeling this way...that I don't want children and that I hate being reproductive. The irrational part of this obsession will maybe pass someday, as some of my obsessions do. But in general, there will never be a way out of this. Therapy isn't working. I have been through a psyc program myself and have even interned. Nothing seems to ever reach me. I think that I am not able to be reached. It seems my only option is to tell my boyfriend to move on to another woman who can give him what he needs and I will just have to be alone for the rest of my life. I really don't want to live this way anymore but there isn't a way out. The sad part is, this is only one problem in my vast group of issues that I am dealing with right now. It all feels so hopeless.