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Need something/anything to take the pain away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by resigned, Feb 5, 2011.

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  1. resigned

    resigned New Member


    Not sure what to write here. I've got a beautiful little girl at stake, so need some form of advice before going through with this.

    I met my wife on '06 and we married a year later. She's always been a bit fiery, which was one of the things I loved about her. Over the last 2 years, it's gone from fiery to abusive, and I can't cope anymore.

    She had a falling out with my family two years ago and effectively made me choose between her and them. I chose her because I still love her, and my own parents got divorced owing to family problems and I wasn't going to let that happen again. They've now disowned me, and only my sister occasionly speaks to me now.

    We had our first child last summer, and her mood has got even worse since then. I've tried to help as much as I can doing feeds, nappies,etc.. but it's never enough for her.

    It's been a running joke with my friends that she wears the trousers in our house, but even they've noticed a change recently. The stupid thing is that I'm 6 foot and quite stocky, but she's 4'11'', so no one expects her to be so controlling.

    We went to marriage counselling before the baby was born where I explained what had been happening, but felt no one took it seriously owing to the difference in size between us. In fact, she was actually provided with leaflets and advice for domestic abuse despite the fact I've never laid a finger on her.

    The abuse takes the form of constant criticism of my appearance, my perceived lack of career success and money, my family and all my personality weaknesses. This is done by shouting at me, bitching to her friends and family and posting abusive comments on facebook. It also gets physical. She often hits me with her fist and anything she can hold (sometimes while I'm holding the baby), kicks me and comes after me with weapons.

    Things reached a peak last weekend when my friends invited me out to celebrate my birthday. I got home late, and she started screaming at me, punching me in the head, and choking me with my scarf. My neck still feels sore even now. I tried shutting myself in the bathroom, but she tried to smash it in with a hammer. Eventually she calmed down, and I slept downstairs. We've been sleeping apart for a week.

    I thought things had calmed down, but whilst I was in the bathroom this morning, she went through my phone and saw a text to my friend, saying I was finding it hard to cope. She went crazy again, demanding to know what I'd told him, and threatening divorce to take the baby away from me.

    I still truly love her and know she's a good person deep down, but this is getting too much for me. I have no one to turn to. All I want is to make her happy, so if that means I'd be better off dead as she tells me, then who am I to argue?

    I love my little girl too, and I know she would never harm her, but I'm completely worn down now and consigned to the fact I won't be here much longer. I just want to die in peace and with little pain as possible. Then maybe they'll have a happier life
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't deserve the abuse you're being put through. Nobody has the right to make you choose between themselves and your family, or to treat you the way she's treating you.

    You wouldn't be better off dead, your little girl needs you in her life. But that definitely doesn't mean you need to stay in a situation where you're being abused. It's not good for you, and it's not good for your daughter to grow up in an environment where her mother's actions will cause her to think it's OK to treat someone that way.

    I really hope you find the strength to live, and to get out of the situation you're in. I know you love her, but she needs help so that she realizes she has no right to treat you that way, and if she's not willing to get that help, you need to get yourself (and possibly your daughter) out of the situation.

    If you ever feel like talking, my PM box is always open. :hug:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with wildcherry.. You don't have to stay there and be abused..Go to the courts and get joint custody of your daughter and move out.. You say you love her.. But can you trusther to straighten up..She needs anger management..Maybe even meds to control her tempor..
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey you may want to contact a domestic violence hotline

    therapy might be a good idea

    the marriage counseling sounded like a good idea, but a lot of people in the therapy biz probably don't belong there. a good therapist should take the concerns of clients seriously.

    it sounds to me like getting out of the situation and getting some therapy would be the best thing.

    do you have a family background where you were abused? I think that sometimes people learn roles and get into patterns that seem normal to them, but really are unhealthy

    please don't do anything to hurt yourself!

    getting some counseling on this would probably help you to see things more clearly
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Wow, your wife sounds like a total bitch. Sorry that you have to suffer through her abuse. Maybe leaving her is a better option than staying with her.
  6. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Just because you are a man does not mean you cannot be a victim of domestic violence. One of my best friends was horribly beaten by his wife. It really does tick me off when people assume that it isn't possible. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Counsellors should not be making these kinds of assumptions.

    It sounds very much to me like your wife is struggling with a nasty postnatal depression here, or even a postpartum psychosis. Has she ever seen a doctor to talk about how she feels? Do you think that she would go?

    My own opinion (for what it is worth) is that you are a good and decent man, and you do not derve to be this unhappy. Your wife is bloody lucky to have you. I would have given anything to have a guy like you around after the birth of my kids instead of what I had. If it is an option, she needs to go and talk to her doctor.

    But please listen - that little girl needs you around. Growing up without a parent who cares is hellish. You have to stick around for her.

    This is not easy for you, but please try and get some help. :hug:
  7. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Being a borderline myself, I can honestly say that your wife sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Mood instability, anger, violence...I think you should look up the symptoms for this disoder and think about whether she has it or not. And if she does, you can learn how to help her effectively. I used to get violent with my ex, and hit him and go after him with a knife and all that stuff too. And I only got that way when he upset me to the point that I couldn't control myself. If you love her, find a way to help her. I'm sure that there is more to the story than what you wrote and that she has her reasons for acting the way she does. I'm not saying it's okay for her to do that, but maybe figure out why she does and how you can stop her from being that way. Now that I'm with my fiance, I never get violent anymore because he knows and understands my disorder and knows how to deal with me.
  8. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, your wife suffers from low self-esteem. She needs to put down people around her so she could feel better about herself. You are accepting this type of behavior because you did not establish boundaries of what can be tolerated by you. This is a sign of immaturity in men when they either cannot make a decision that would lead them to happiness or they make childish decisions that do not resolve the problem but transform it to self pity and suffering.
    This is just something to think about. Yo can find plenty of info on the net about relationships between man and woman. I hope you will make the right decision and wont let anybody to control your life but you have to become a man to accomplish that.
    From the top of my head "Deep Inner Game" by David DeAngelo would be a good place to start.

    Good luck, my friend.
  9. amber83

    amber83 New Member

    It sounds like you blame yourself. None of this is your fault. I've been in an abusive relationship before and that's what people like this want you to think, that you're to blame. Believe me you're not. Killing yourself is not the answer, no matter how much pain you're in. My partner killed himself seven months ago and both myself and our son miss him desperately. Your daughter needs you but she deserves a happy dad and to do this maybe it's time for you to leave your wife. Maybe she'll realise what she's behaving like if you leave and make it clear you've had enough. But don't put up with her abuse no matter how much you love her. You deserve better than that and the fact you're here talking about it and seeking help shows you've still got fight in you. Don't give up :)
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...as it has been said...many men are the silent victims in domestic violence...maybe individual counselling so that you can find ways to treat yourself better and secure a future with your daughter...unfortunately, sometimes love is not enough in a relationship..so sorry you are going through this and yes, you deserve better...welcome again, J
  11. resigned

    resigned New Member

    Thanks for your advice everyone. However it's not that simple. Doing anything drastic like leaving or coming down strong could trigger a more severe reaction. Before we met, she attempted suicide when she split up with a previous boyfriend. She overdosed on pills and was found by her younger brother.

    I've started to really miss my family lately and want us to patch things up with them. The problem is that she point blank refuses to consider any form of conciliation. My mum has only seen the baby once since she's been born (She's ten months old) and it breaks my heart, especially as she's so close to her family. We've missed her birthday, Christmas and now Mothers Day and seeing everyone else with their families makes me feel even lower.

    After the baby was born, she threatened to have me arrested if I took her around to see them. I called the police myself for guidance and was told it wasn't a criminal act to do this. After I told her this, she's now threatening to commit suicide if I do this. Given her previous attempt I'm certain she isn't bluffing.

    So in that sense, I really feel trapped. Any action I take could result in her taking her own life. I've tried speaking to her family, but they're very old fashioned in the sense that they don't feel they should get involved. My friends are aware, but don't know how they can help. I'm scared that getting a counsellor involved will result in my wife and daughter being taken into care.

    This is why I've chosen to get this off my chest in an anonymous medium. It's a cr@ppy situation to be in, but I can't see any alternative. This is the only way I can see of providing my daughter with two parents.

    If you've managed to reach this far down, thank you for sticking with it.
  12. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Wow, Tanya nailed this one.

    Men, of course, have a really hard time when they're the victims of domestic abuse. People just flat-out don't believe them, or if they do believe them, they have no clue what to do.

    The law varies by state. For instance, in Florida, there is a zero-tolerance policy with domestic abuse cases. You might want to look up what the law for domestic abuse is in your state. You might be able to use it to your advantage.

    I commend you on your incredible self-control during all this. Christ, I'd have exploded back on the third try. Anyway, there is no way that there is not a single person around you that can help. This is a really straightforward case of domestic abuse. The problem is finding someone who will take you seriously and will be in a position to do something about it.

    I was deeply disturbed when I read that she was hitting you while you were holding your child. That's a sign of an extremely serious problem. Your wife isn't even communicating with you and is choosing to exacerbate the problem to dangerous levels.

    Know this, okay? You are not responsible for her actions. She alone is responsible for her own actions. She's threatened suicide if you tried to do anything. In my opinion, you should explain with detail and calmness that you are [doing whatever you're doing that is considered "drastic"] to protect yourself and your child, and follow through with it. You can't live in fear of her your whole life. I realize you love her and you want to protect her, but she, too, is clearly in pain.

    It's in the best interests of every person involved that something that puts you and your child in a safe place is in order. This is one of those "If, then" things. If you continue this way, then what? If you take action, then what? Think as far down the line as you can, not just as far as that she'll explode on you. Think farther than that.

    Suicide is not the option here, man. That would be a horrifying tragedy. Your child, in particular, needs you. If you allow your wife to take custody, and she does not improve, there will be a pervasive and permanent unhappiness in the household. I really think you can prevent that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2011
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