Don't know what else to do - very long and possibly triggering but have tried to omit details When I was 15 I was coming out about my sexuality and very depressed due to my best friend/love interest leading me on and then seeming to freak out e.g she wasn't coping with coming out herself either. Part of my depression led to me drinking a huge amount of vodka at a party, being completely trashed/passing out and a guy (who was the boyfriend of someone at my school) had sex with me without my consent even though I was passed out in a very public place. Everyone knew about it - the girlfriend abused me back at school to the point where she and her friends all ganged up on me (with the rest of the year group watching) to spit in cups and throw it at me, calling me a ***** and ultimately getting the school involved. My best friend acted cold, seemed to believe I wanted it, and eventually abandoned me, which caused me intense heartbreak at the time. My school decided to tell my parents - who were the only ones who called it rape - but didn't follow up anything or even suggest getting the police involved, and I eventually heard some of my teachers discussing it while waiting outside the staff room and essentially calling me a '*****' too. For years I didn't believe I was 'raped' because everyone else blamed it on me. I already had the beginnings of an eating disorder but worsened dramatically. I sunk into a deep depression where I felt completely numb and disassociated with the world, like I was looking through a six foot deep pane of glass at everything. I had several suicide attempts but none were serious enough to get me into hospital and I never sought medical help for anything. I'm extremely good at 'appearing' ok with things or finding excuses for my inability to attend school/uni/work so no one ever got involved, and my parents were too wrapped up in abusing each other to ever notice. A year later I found myself in a new relationship although I was still suffering with many of these issues. She was as supportive as she could be expected to be and I fell in love. It took me until I was 20 to fully recover from my ED and depression, the same year we moved in together during our second year of university, however I still had major issues with anxiety/social anxiety, stress and dark 'episodes' where I just couldn't function, but it was never a full on long term depression. The year before we moved in together, she cheated on me with someone serious - I said I would never take back a cheater and I was honestly shocked because I hadn't seen it coming, but I did forgive her because she had been dealing with physical illness (sciatica), my recovery before that, and I guess I sort of understood she needed some kind of escape or way to feel good about herself. What I didn't accept was that she was also dealing with depression at the time from her illness, the isolation she'd faced during her gap year before university - I didn't want to believe she was suffering how I did, and she didn't want to get help. We moved in together after (mostly) resolving the insecurity issues over her cheating - but I very much felt an increased need for her to 'check in' with me, reassure me that her head was in the same space and she was sure of our relationship. This worked, at first. but then she kept closing off, giving up, refusing to communicate with me properly. I often got frustrated and angry - then I would realise it was because she was scared of hurting by making herself vulnerable, I would calm down and try to work things out. And eventually I would get her to communicate and we would be ok. Now I realise part of this closing off wasn't just her personality, it was part of her depression and a desire not to be vulnerable to more pain. But until the end of our relationship I just thought it was either entirely my fault, or she just had a flawed personality. She became more and more closed off and difficult to communicate with, although I don't believe she was cheating. We would make plans to fix things, and she would start and then just give up - and the only job she managed to get after graduation was in London, a 2 hour commute away. This culminated in us deciding not to live together any more last summer. I ended up homeless and living in a hostel for two months until my finances were sorted - she went home and commuted to her job. Long story short, we were in a mess but a month after I moved into the hostel she moved in with me, saying she would get a new job and we'd get a new place to live and we could try again. After a month, she'd only applied for one job and couldn't afford to move in with me until she got a new one - I couldn't stand living in the hostel any longer. I moved into a new place with housemates. She moved into the cheapest accommodation she could find locally. I was frustrated with her lack of progress but I now understand that the depression was making it so difficult for her to be motivated esp. on top of a 2 hour commute to her job. We were again, up and down, on-off, but we knew we loved each other intensely and she still said she wanted it to work. In September, a week after I moved into my new place, I went out with friends to a house party. I got extremely drunk, unable to deal with the stress this was all causing, and ended up in a vulnerable situation where I guess I trusted the people around me too much. This ended in me being so drunk that my friend's male housemate tried to have very much non-consensual unprotected sex with me. I didn't report it. I told my partner as soon as possible the next day. She was obviously distraught but she promised to support me; I even worried because she said she wanted to be violent towards my abuser. I was incredibly broken over everything but I did one thing right the second time: I refused to blame myself right from the start. I thought it would be ok if I kept positive and kept working on my relationship. But a week or so later she changed. Suddenly, I was 'unclean'. She told me she felt like I had cheated on her. And then she came out with a 'joke' about how I was a '**********'. I couldn't handle it. I cut her out of my life completely at that, desperate to protect myself when I knew I was so vulnerable already. She moved to London. I blocked out my feelings from that point onwards and didn't feel any pain. Until this week. Something inside me triggered and now I am feeling the heartbreak. I tried to get in contact with her and was ignored - and she eventually sent a message to my Dad saying she can't talk to me 'for a variety of reasons' and I need to stop trying to contact her 'in order not to prolong my distress'. She is being completely cold and heartless and won't even explain why she is refusing to talk. I feel completely abandoned and hopeless - I can't function because she is everywhere, she is all I can think about, we were together for five years - I can't eat or drink or go to work and it took me all the strength I had left to go to hospital yesterday and tell them I had been feeling extremely suicidal and didn't know what else to do. Because I didn't attempt suicide, they were only able to offer me a referral to a psych service that I 'might' get in the next 5 days. I can't wait that long. I can't function. I just need her to talk to me, even if it's just to say goodbye. I feel like the one person I needed and trusted abandoned me when I needed her most. I think she has translated her love for me into hatred because it's easier to cope with those feelings, or she's blaming me for getting raped. And so she's refusing to talk to me even though she knows what danger she's putting me in. Maybe she wants me dead so she doesn't have to deal with me in her life. I don't know. I know she still loves me though and that's why she's being more guarded than ever - and I know that her behaviour before is because she was so hurt at what happened and didn't know how to deal with her emotions. I wish I could hate her back just so I could cope - but I can't do it, because I understand what drives her feelings, I know she has a heart under the huge brick wall she's built around herself, and I know she didn't stop loving me, because otherwise she would actually be able to talk to me. It's breaking me completely. I can't cope with losing her. And I can't cope with losing both of the people I loved because of rape. I feel like they've won - they've destroyed my whole life by taking advantage of my body. I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to get it out. I don't know what to do. I can't function. I can only think of how to escape this pain. I don't think I have the strength to get through this when I honestly thought we were going to spend our whole lives together. I just wish I had never gone out that night, and we had managed to get through this. I wish I could go back in time.