Need suggestions on deal with the ex...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by wonderer, May 29, 2010.

  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Here's the situation in a nutshell...
    I broke up with my ex in early November because he was mad at me whatever I did, demanding a TON of my time, and telling me I couldn't hang out with anyone else unless I also had the same amount of time to spend on him. Over the next few months, he was a huge jerk, told my friends he wanted to hurt me if he got the chance, and told me he didn't want to talk to me ever again. I didn't cut off contact because he'd been telling me for the past 8 months that he wanted to kill himself, and as much as he was being a jerk, I wouldn't want to see him come to harm. He tried to talk to me around Easter, continued to be a jerk so I cut off contact. Problem is, I'm seeing someone new, who was a mutual friend of my ex and I. I've been with this guy for 3 months, and we've kept it secret from all our friends for fear of my ex finding out and hurting one of us. We decided we're going to tell him we're together after I move next week because both my bf and I will be in safe places, my ex is going to find out eventually anyway, and he's in a relatively safe place too (with his parents, so at least he's not alone), and we'd rather know when he finds out and be prepared for it than have him get it through word on the street and blindside us.

    How do I tell him as safely as possible for everyone involved? I'd really appreciate any outside persepective/thoughts/experience anyone could offer, as I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this who's not involved.

    Thanks for reading folks!
  2. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    He sounds very abusive - not at all someone I'd want anywhere near me.
  3. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    dating a mutal friend was a bad step on your part seems your hurting him not the other away around but i wish you g.l and i suggests you stop talking to your ex your only making it worse by not letting go
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    um... sounds like it's your new boyfriend's job to tell your ex; since they are still friends. If he can't accept it, then your boyfriend will have to make a decision.
    It's all on him, though- honestly.

    It was his responsibility to begin with; dating his friend's ex.

    I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes.
    I guess I'd be worried for my ex, too... but if it has to be done, it has to be done, right?
    He'll have to tell him casually- and most likely stop being friends with him.
  5. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Adam - yeah, I'm better off without him around, and I've tried to avoid him as much as possible. But haven't disappeared completely for fear that he actually MAY be in trouble and hurt himself, and honestly, if it helps I'd rather listen to him tell me I'm crap than find out he actually came to harm. Especially considering he's talked about killing himself.

    kitanai - I suppose to clarify... My current bf and I were close friends before either of us met my ex. The two of them got to know each other because they both hung out with me, and kept in touch after my breakup. I don't think they've talked in a few months though. Yes, its a terrible situation, and perhaps not the best choice on my part, but I'm kinda committed to it at this point. The only reason I'm willing to talk to my ex at all is because I think its the right thing for him to find out my bf and I are together from me, rather than through word of mouth, and I think its safer for everyone if we KNOW when he finds out in case he does try to hurt someone (himself included).

    kitty - Thanks for the thoughtful response. My bf and I talked about who should tell him, and I strongly believe it ought to be me, both because I question my bf's ability to be compassionate when my ex explodes at him, and because I think my ex has the right to ask me some basic questions. Plus, if he WERE to hurt himself, it'd be incredibly hard for me to deal with. Knowing I did the best I could to make sure he was ok will set my mind at ease at least a little bit... Although, the more I think about it, you do bring up a good point.
  6. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Some people who are abusive lie about being suicidal in order to manipulate you into coming back to them, I've heard.

    Of course, that could just be my public school brainwashing.
  7. I, personally, agree with Kitty . If your current boyfriend is still friends with your ex, it really should be him who tells him. Yes, it might be difficult if he actually does commit harm to himself. But, that doesn't necissarily make it your fault. Yes, you did decide to get involved with a mutual friend; but, your current boyfriend is still friends with him. & Normally, dating a friends ex is sort of.. 'against the basic laws of nature' ? Not sure how else to put it. Unless, he talked to him about it in the beginning; which, obviously he didn't.

    & I also agree with Adam, your ex could have just been saying such things to keep you around. I've known such people, it sucks when you honestly don't want someone to come to harm; especially if you can't be certain they're really doing anything. But, at this point, he's not your responsibility. He really isn't. It isn't your fault if he does something, just as it isn't your fault if he threatens something; yes, you may feel guilty or horrible if he tries something, that's inevitable. But, as I have said over & over here; it is not your fault.

    Hopefully this makes sense & helps even just a bit; :)