Need the insight of women here.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Right U R Ken, Oct 17, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    O.k. I didn't want to ask this out in the open but I'm desperate here. And I've asked something similiar to this before but I'll try to be more detailed this time. Here's the situation-

    There's a woman I care about very deeply. I met her here but she doesn't post or hang out here. She has being abused and mistreated her whole life. She's currently in a very bad marriage. Me and her have been talking over the internet, talking on the phone, and sending letters and packages for two years now. I was the person she called whenever she felt bad. Feelings were getting deeper and we had just brought up the idea of getting together in person. But then something bad happened. She was trying to talk about something spiritual and how it related to me and her and a relationship. But she was going about it in such a round about way I had no idea what she was talking about and got impatient with her. She became furious and she told me to never contact her again and that I was out of her life for good. A friend recommended just giving her some time and that she might talk to me again if I communicated with her later. This seemed to be the case after awhile as She sent me a couple of short emails. One telling me to only use a certain email address(she had two but closed one out.) The other recommending a certain type of eyeglasses as I had mentioned I'm getting new ones. But then in an email I brought up the plan of getting together like we talked about before and she became furious again. First she woke me up with a instant message on my phone telling me to come online and chat. And when I did all she did was yell at me. I couldn't say anything right. She attacked everything I said. Every word. She went back to that one conversation and how much she hated me for it and that I had broken the rule about not contacting her(she didnt mention the fact that she had emailed me) It was crazy. I just don't understand what's going on with her.

    As women what do you think? Why would she send me a couple of casual emails like nothing was wrong and then go back to being furious and telling me to get out of her life again? Do you have any ideas to fix this? She's so mad. But I love her. She wants to just throw everything away but I want to make it work. Make it right. Do any of you have any ideas? Anything will help. The more ideas the better

    Some other things I think are strange- When I first came online she seemed concerned that she had woke me up and that I had work the next day and that maybe I should go back to bed and get my rest. But I wanted to talk to her(I thought she wanted to back to are normal talks) so I said I'd stay up and talk to her. But then thats when she started yelling at me. It seemed strange for her to be concerned about me getting rest for work and then screaming out her hate for me and that she claimed she wanted nothing to do with me and that I shouldn't be contacting her. During her rage the only thing that slowed her down was when she asked why I went back to the plan of getting together. I said "Because I love you and made a promise to you" She stopped for a moment not typing anything. She seemed stunned for a moment but then went back to raging on me. Another thing that seemed strange was that at the end of her yelling she said "I'm out of here, Goodnight" instead of "goodbye" or "get lost" It seemed out of place with her overall attitude.

    I'm in a bad way over this. Very much so. And I don't get it. She's been so caring up til now but she doesn't seem to care one bit about my feelings about being rejected. She remembers that we met here and that I get suicidal over rejection. But she's given no thought to that when it comes to this matter. She's just so mad at me.

    Well I hope that rant made sense. I'm looking for women's insight in what she might be thinking in acting like that and more important what I can do to make things better if possible.

    Oh and please don't tell me not to be involved with married women, to move on, etc..., I love this woman and want advice to make it work again if possible. Thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2008
  2. angus

    angus Active Member

    Wow. I think the thing to keep in mind is that she probably felt like no one understood her from her life and then along came you and you seemed to "get" her. She was probably really excited about this, but then when she felt the connection failing she pulled away. Anger is a form of being hurt. The more angry you are probably the more hurt you are.
    I really can't pretend to know what she is thiking because I don't know her, but I can say that from my experience sometimes it is difficult to jump right back into things. It may be that she is confused about many things, such as her marriage and you and where it will all fit in. And people tend to get angry at those they trust. I know that if I lash out at someone it's typically someone I know will be there after the lash. Does this make sense?
    Her contact was probably a way to connect with you becuase she doesn't want you out of her life. Maybe she felt betrayed by you lack of understanding before and in order to develop trust again she is testing you. I testing poeple is wrong, but I htink many women do this, especially if they have trust issues. Right or wrong it's something some of us do.
    I hope you feel better, PM if you need anything! :unsure:
  3. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    She doesn't want to be with you in person. She is married after all. I think she is getting angry when you bring it up. You wouldn't want to be involved with someone like her any way see seems very angry and also complicated.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Has all this anger only appeared since you suggested meeting?
  5. requiem46

    requiem46 Active Member

    Hmm I'd guess the problem was that this spiritual thing she mentioned was something very important for her and/or something she needed to get out of her, so when you got impatient with the way she talked about it, she thought you didn't care about her at all.

    Some time later, more stuff may have happened to her in real life and therefore your "betrayal" was taken out of the stuff she thought about too often, so she contacted you a couple of times when she didn't think in that and only remebered you as this one nice person online.

    Then when you brought up the idea of meeting in person again, she probably remembered why she hadn't talked to you in a while, and anger flooded right back in.

    The things you point out as unfitting in the last conversation are certainly unfitting, so I'd say you are not in her "people I really want out of my live" list. But I guess you'd have to go back to some point in the past before suggesting the idea of meeting, because while you were suggesting that it was when the time big rant happened. Like, I dunno, simply talk about how's life going, or something that shows you care, but doesn't make you look *too* desperate for her forgiveness.

    I'm really bad at giving advices about the misundertanding kind of situations since I tend to be in the middle of a bunch of them often, but that's what I think might be happening at the moment
  6. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    All the anger came out the first time from the spiritual talk and the fact that I messed it up. That's when she lost it and told me to get out of her life the first time. We had talked about meeting before this. After I thought she had calmed down I brought it up again. That's when she got mad again and told me a second time to not contact her.
  7. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    Well I certainly hope you're right about not wanting me out of her life. And she definitely has trust issues. With all she's been thru in life which is unbelievable to all have happened to one person. It really breaks my heart. And I have thought of the idea that maybe she is testing me. But the big question is "what should I do?" How do I pass the test? She just attacks everything I say. It's frustrating.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2008
  8. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    Yes I do want to be involved with her. It's called love. One doesn't give up on love just because it get's hard. And her marriage is almost non-existant. They haven't even slept together in years. He is abusive and she has an order of protection against him. Her plan is to get a divorce but she's not ready yet. She's not emotional capable of working. She says in her home state she needs to be married ten years to get alimony which is two years away. So that's her plan. She had already asked me once if I'd be willing to move down there in two years after the divorce to be with her. I said yes.
  9. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    And thank you all for the replies so far. And please keep them coming. I need some real advice here. It's hard for me right now but I want to hang on if there's even a chance with this woman. Dont' be afraid to tell me anything I might be able to do to fix things with her.

    BTW I plan on following thru with the plan of going down to see her. I have a thing about keeping promises. It's 1200 miles and will cost a lot and it's likely she won't want to see me when I get there but I have to do it just to prove to her I'm serious. And no I'm not going to her house. The plan was to go to a small town about 90 minute drive away from her place(about a 20 hour drive for me)
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2008
  10. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    It's good that you care about her so deeply but I think you need to be a little more bold about your commitment to her. This is the woman you love, you can't have a meaningful conversation with her and let her know how you feel if she's yelling at you the whole time. I understand that she's angry and if you're at fault then she should ream you out but love is a two way process, I think you need to tell her that if she loves you then you want her to listen to you sometimes because you have things to say too. It's going to rock the boat a little but if she just keeps blowing up on you neither of you are going to get anywhere.
  11. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    You've got that right Reki. That's exactly what I've been thinking. I've thought of being firm with and reminding her there's two people involved and i have feelings on the matter too. But I want to tread lightly. For now I don't want to do anything that looks like anger on my part. Like I said, this is a woman that has been thru a lot. She's fragile and I don't want to make anything worse. I may speak up to her later if nothing else works but for now I'm looking for other more gentle options.
  12. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    Here's a question that might give me some good answers. What would you want a guy to say to you if you were in this situation? You're furious at him and acting this way but maybe still have feelings for him. What would you want him to say or do?
  13. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    I'm not a woman but I've been on the receiving end of fury before. I don't think what should be done is really much different than what should be done if she were a guy. Acknowledge the way she's feeling and let her know that you understand she's angry at you and you want to make things better. You know she's been through a lot in her life and the last thing you want to do is hurt her. You don't want to change anything or try to fix anything about her, you love her just the way she is. You know all this, so tell her. Be straightforward and honest with her and listen with an open to mind to what she has to say. She's got a lot on her mind, if she doesn't want to make a decision about you right now just leave it be and give her some room to sort things out.
  14. Dude, oh how my heart goes out to you. But you cannot teach someone how to communicate if they never learned how to do so themselves. Let alone from 1200 miles away...

    I know you're committed - but a 2-years-in-waiting "plan" on her part is NOT a plan. You can't "save" her - nor can you mend all her wounds. We're many of us "fragile" - and you need to take care of you. "Self-care" is not selfish. I feel for her and I feel for you, but i think you should just let it go. I'm sorry...:sad:

    Even if you get together eventually, there ain't gonna be no Happily-Ever-After. Life isn't like that. Take the lessons - and hope she gains her own...

  15. Boratz

    Boratz Well-Known Member

    Hey yo. This is not a matter how men or women operates. This is called reality check. Anybody cannot be a saviour to anyone. Annyone. You think y& you call this love by talking & talking thru the wires or the net? You are so concerned about her becoz this is based upon your conclusion that she desrves more pity becoz she have been through a "lot". What is the scale of a lot here? And that conclusion is based upon your own expectations that she must have done someting to you if you are her. Am I correct? Question your own expectations ,maybe you will find out the answer from yourself.

    Yikes . I am not normal again.
  16. Boratz

    Boratz Well-Known Member

    If life doesn't suck ,it isn't life.

  17. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    I thank you all for your responses but I'm beginning to think I should just give up and put an end to it all. I'm a firm believer in fate and for a while I thought it was fate for me and her to meet and get together. The paths are two lives have led, both different yet very sad in their own way, and yet the way we're much a like. The way we met. The way are friendship grew into something more. It all seemed to be leading to something good. But I was wrong, it's clearly over now.

    I still believe this is fate though. Just not what I wanted it to be. It's way to big a coincidence that at the same time she breaks my heart that I came across the perfect method for ending my life that I've always been looking for. I've always been afraid of pain and harming myself without succeeding. So many methods out there don't really work. And now I've found a painless one that's one hundred percent effective and at time when the woman I love is making it clear that she hates me. That's fate. All I've ever known is a lifetime of rejection. It's time to find peace.

    And please don't tell me to hang on or send me useless cyber-hugs or anything like that. It will only hurt more. All I want is someone to say that's it's O.K. That I have the right to leave and find that peace and end to rejection. Rejection is all I've ever known and I want to know something else now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2008
  18. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    ken you seem to be an exceptionally kind man. there are women out there that would value someone like you in their life, your sensitivity and kindness. please think about that. you have loads to offer the right woman
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.