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Need to escape because I'm a coward

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by smanon83, Nov 17, 2011.

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  1. smanon83

    smanon83 Member

    Here I am writing again because this seems to be the only place any of my madness or backwards thinking seems to make sense to anyone if anyone even reads this. First of all, I just want to say sorry to everyone else who posts here. I do read them, you are heard, I just never know what to say. I can't pass on support and wisdom that I don't have :( Just another failure and disappointment in this life full of them.

    Yesterday I contacted my adviser (for the masters thesis) to get together next week. I also went into my old place of work to fill out a time availability sheet to see if I can get some hours. Both of these actions made my parents very happy. Everyone thinks I am getting myself back on track again. The truth is these are last-ditch attempts to see if I am capable of doing anything anymore. I am TERRIFIED of going to either of these places next week, and in a cruel coincidence of timing, my psychiatrist just took me off all my anxiety meds and I really feel like I'm losing it. Plus he hasn't even considered something to help with the depression. I'm tired of my mom and her speech that most people don't have the "luxury" of being depressed. I've told the few people I've talked to that doing these two things was like putting my fears and two of the main reasons I have been wanting out lately into action. Of course I didn't say this to my parents. Despite voicing my terror, all everyone heard was "maybe she's finally pulling her head out of her ass and getting her act together instead of this depression shit she's been pulling".

    Well okay, so far this message does not seem like it even belongs in the Suicide Forum, but here's the point - I feel like I have to escape not only these two events but everything that's going to follow and everything that is. I need to escape everything and everyone. Nobody notices me any more anyway. They don't notice me online (on Facebook and when I send emails) and they don't really notice me in real life because "they have lives" (another nice thing my mom says to me when I'm feeling lonely). My best friend only expresses disappointment in me these days and that is what I generally get from everyone. I told my new therapist my explicit plan to exit (she asked) and she didn't even react really. She just said please don't do it. I feel like I probably need to be in inpatient because my urge is quickly escalating, hour by hour, but my dad said I'd better not end up in inpatient ever again. I want to stop being an emotional and financial burden on my parents. After every appointment of group, individual or doctor, I think I need to eliminate myself before the next one so they don't pay one more copay, one more fee.

    All this being said, with what is coming next week, and the fact that weekends are always shitty because I don't have anything to do/anyone to do it with, Friday seems like a good day. Friday evenings always seem like a good time. Everyone else is busy having fun. I just need the guts to go through with it. I hope I can. I'm not sure why I posted this. Sorry to waste your time. Maybe I can leave and stop being a burden to everyone here, too.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are not wasting anyone's time.
    This is tricky, as you say those around you think you are doing well. They do not understand depression, many people do not. How is poisons everything. But you are doing a Masters, that is amazing! What is it in may I ask?

    Work, well going will be tricky but if you can it will be so good, knowing you are earning a little and also shutting up your parents. Your mom and dad sound like they are not very helpful.

    Sorry that your friend is not very supportive, that must be hard. Does she know how you feel?
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Smanon, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain :( Most people who haven't experienced severe depression have no clue whatsoever what it does to us and how little control we really have over it. Believe me, I struggle with this every day (as do many others in this forum, I suspect). You are absolutely not a burden, so please keep posting. And just know that I am one of many who cares and hopes that you continue to survive. Sending friendship and hugs... :console:
  4. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    I just want you to know that you're not a coward for thinking about suicide. Screw the people who tell you that you are. The same could be said about them. They're too cowardly to die so they stay alive and deal with it.
  5. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    Hi Danielle. My name is John. I noticed you. And so have the others who have posted before me. It sucks that so many people IRL just don't get what people like us go thru. Depression is not a luxury, nor is it a reason for a so-called friend to be disappointed in us. My GF has told me that I ENJOY being depressed and seem to want to stay in my dark place. But trust me, I HATE this shit, which is why I want to die so badly. So I get it. You're wasting nobody's time here. And the last thing you are is a burden. Hope you post more.
  6. therapy_fan

    therapy_fan Well-Known Member

    Hey Danielle, I dont think your a burden! and i relate in much of what u wrote!! Hope things get better! :) keep posting :hug:
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I just want to say that I read your post, keep posting if it helps you, you're never a burden, remember that!
  8. tudor_77

    tudor_77 Member


    I read your post and can relate to most of what you write. I never know what to say on here either, it is very difficult to give support to others when things are not so great in our own lives. Hope you are feeling a bit better today.
  9. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi Danielle -
    You contribute just by posting. Sometimes it's enough to respond to another hurting soul by posting "I hear you, you're not alone". Besides, it's the give and take that makes this a community.
    It's human natue to want to avoid the unpleasant and I can't offer anything to make it any easier, just note the distace you've come through struggling.
    Sometimes I have to break tasks or assignments into small steps that I can conquer individually, instead of facing the entire task at once.That sometimes works for me.
    I hope things get better for you, and that you keep posting.
  10. smanon83

    smanon83 Member

    So it's not coping at its finest, but I took some sleeping pills so that maybe I'll be too incapacitated to carry my plan out tonight. I have had what seem like hallucinations all day long, seeing myself carrying out my plan. It has actually been scaring me. I don't know where the day went. I think I am going through withdrawal from the meds my doc is taking me off - flu-like feeling, headaches, vomiting, weak and abdominal pain. I'm not sure though. I am losing track of time. I am out of my own body. I don't know what I've really done today. I could probably kill myself now and not even feel it. I have never felt this way before - this suicidal and this dissociated with reality. Sure, I've been both a lot, but I've been feeling seriously this way without stop for about two months now and it feels like it gets worse every day. I have this weekend to get out of this life. I have tonight. I feel like I want to talk to someone, not to leave this world feeling completely alone if I do, but there is nobody to talk to. I'm invisible.
  11. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Danielle, you are not invisible. I see you.

    It does sound like med withdrawal (I am not a doc).

    That would account for the illness and dissociation.

    Does your psych have an emergency number? Some do.

    I would class this as an emergency,

    If your doctor doesn't have a number, you might want to arrange to go to an emergency room and get checked out. They can do a psych assessment as well as physical.

    I understand what its like to fear. It eats at you from the inside. You really aren't alone in that. Many of us have that. Its very hard to deal with that day by day.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are.

  12. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    What are the meds that you are feeling withdrawal from? I'm currently going through the same thing, so I may be able to tell you if it's w/d or not. Also, you can talk to me if you want. Just send me a PM with a way I can contact you. I have e-mail and all the messengers. Or we can continue to talk through PMs if that's easier. Either way, I just want you to know you're not alone and people care. If you reach out to me, I'll show you that I care.
  13. smanon83

    smanon83 Member

    Thanks for all of your caring and understanding responses. I really appreciate your input and empathy. Thanks to windlepoons, ZasuArt, StrangeAsAngels, John, Mattias, Inmemoryofyou, tudor_77, 1Lefty, and texaskitty. Maybe it's kind of weird to mention everyone who replied, but I just wanted to let you each know that I read your post and it meant a lot to me. I thought nobody would write back.

    windlepoons, I am getting my Masters in French if I can pull it off. It feels like a totally useless endeavor. I am absolutely terrified because I am supposed to meet with my advisor on Tuesday morning to go over my thesis. I have been thinking all weekend that I need to escape! She is actually very understanding and even wrote me that depression is not a moral fault, but even though people can act understanding, if they have never experienced it like all of us, I don't think they can really understand. My friend Jill knows that I've been feeling crappy and out of it, and severely depressed and suicidal, but she doesn't understand. She just thinks I'm being lazy. She is an alcoholic (we met in rehab), so yesterday I left her a message explaining that withdrawing from some of these drugs can be as bad or even worse (psychologically) than withdrawing from alcohol. I still don't think she understands. Pretty much all my friends have abandoned me because they are sick of this shit and think I just need to pull myself together. :(

    StrangeAsAngels, nobody has actually called me a coward. My dad has said that suicide is the most selfish act one can commit, but that was before I was actively suicidal. What I am mad about is that I am too much of a coward to just do it. I've OD'ed a few times over the past couple weeks, and I actually got scared, but then I woke up and was very disappointed that it didn't work. I have a definite plan, I just need to carry it out.

    John, I can totally relate to what your girlfriend said; I have had several people tell me that I seem to enjoy being depressed. That I am just doing it to get attention. That I'm just being dramatic. The last time I was in the hospital for a failed attempt, my dad said to the doctor, "I don't think Danielle actually wants to die. I think it was just a cry for help and to get attention." As I've said before in other posts, I don't think anyone will believe how much pain I've been in until I'm gone.

    I'll PM you StrangeAsAngels and we can compare withdrawal notes.

    My suicidal urge is not as strong today, but I know it's not gone. I think everyone's right - nobody really understands what we go through unless they've been through it themselves. My therapist says just get rid of my supplies for "the plan". Yeah, well it's not that easy! I need a way out if it gets absolutely unbearable. It's an ironic thing to say, but having those things at the ready is like having my survival kit. It's something I can count on. Well I've rambled long enough. I'm still odd in my ways with being really suicidal at the moment though. I question whether or not to buy groceries because I don't want them to go to waste when I'm not here. I question whether to buy a new fish (my old one died like a month ago and I've just had an empty tank running for that time. I don't want my parents to have to take care of another animal when I'm gone. Things like that. Other than that, there is not much holding me back from doing this. People on here might notice, and you don't even know me, but care more than the people in real life! Okay, well I'll really stop now. I don't know where I am or where I'm going today...
  14. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Well done! That must have been hard work, working towards getting a Masters. I am glad you have an understanding advisor.
    Your friend Jill - well she should understand what you are going through. All your friends seem very blinkered. Its true that when times are hard that's when we find out who are our true friends.

    Get a new fish, plan for the future. I think its a good thing to do.
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey smanon, Your doctor should have weined you off those meds..I was out of my xanax for a week and went thru withdrawls..What you described sounds exactly hwat i went thru..Don't ever think your invisible.. You have already built some support here.. The longer your here the more peeps you will meet..We are very supportive..Theres usually someone on line 24 hrs a day because of the different time zones..Well I hope you feel better soon..Ask your doctor about giving you less miligrams to help you slowly come off the meds..Take Care!!
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