Here I am writing again because this seems to be the only place any of my madness or backwards thinking seems to make sense to anyone if anyone even reads this. First of all, I just want to say sorry to everyone else who posts here. I do read them, you are heard, I just never know what to say. I can't pass on support and wisdom that I don't have Just another failure and disappointment in this life full of them. Yesterday I contacted my adviser (for the masters thesis) to get together next week. I also went into my old place of work to fill out a time availability sheet to see if I can get some hours. Both of these actions made my parents very happy. Everyone thinks I am getting myself back on track again. The truth is these are last-ditch attempts to see if I am capable of doing anything anymore. I am TERRIFIED of going to either of these places next week, and in a cruel coincidence of timing, my psychiatrist just took me off all my anxiety meds and I really feel like I'm losing it. Plus he hasn't even considered something to help with the depression. I'm tired of my mom and her speech that most people don't have the "luxury" of being depressed. I've told the few people I've talked to that doing these two things was like putting my fears and two of the main reasons I have been wanting out lately into action. Of course I didn't say this to my parents. Despite voicing my terror, all everyone heard was "maybe she's finally pulling her head out of her ass and getting her act together instead of this depression shit she's been pulling". Well okay, so far this message does not seem like it even belongs in the Suicide Forum, but here's the point - I feel like I have to escape not only these two events but everything that's going to follow and everything that is. I need to escape everything and everyone. Nobody notices me any more anyway. They don't notice me online (on Facebook and when I send emails) and they don't really notice me in real life because "they have lives" (another nice thing my mom says to me when I'm feeling lonely). My best friend only expresses disappointment in me these days and that is what I generally get from everyone. I told my new therapist my explicit plan to exit (she asked) and she didn't even react really. She just said please don't do it. I feel like I probably need to be in inpatient because my urge is quickly escalating, hour by hour, but my dad said I'd better not end up in inpatient ever again. I want to stop being an emotional and financial burden on my parents. After every appointment of group, individual or doctor, I think I need to eliminate myself before the next one so they don't pay one more copay, one more fee. All this being said, with what is coming next week, and the fact that weekends are always shitty because I don't have anything to do/anyone to do it with, Friday seems like a good day. Friday evenings always seem like a good time. Everyone else is busy having fun. I just need the guts to go through with it. I hope I can. I'm not sure why I posted this. Sorry to waste your time. Maybe I can leave and stop being a burden to everyone here, too.