Many members of this forum wont know me, this is because I haven't posted in a very long time. I have been suffering with depression since I was about 13, although the intensity varied of course, it was always there, even on my best days I was never really happy. That all changed about a year ago, I met my girlfriend and truly fell in love. I could still feel that all my old feelings were there somewhere, but they were just so easily wiped out. Anyway, she has now left for over a year, doing charity work in India teaching poor kids. I'm extremely glad she's doing something that means something both to her and the people she's helping and in no way wanted to stop her going. Its just this last month since she left, I have realised just how much I depended on her. Since she entered my life, she's kept my 'darker side' at bay and I have been happy, but maybe I got a little to well adjusted to her always being there. Now she's away, I'm seeing that all my demons still exist, what's worse is that because I've been so reliant on my girlfriend, I haven't had to find a way to keep myself going, she did it for me. So now I'm beginning to slip back to how I was, I'm getting depressed and angry a lot, I have a lot of compulsions that I didn't even realise I had stopped and I no longer no how to fight them like I used to. It really difficult to explain, but because my life isn't bad anymore and this is only temporary, I'm actually having a harder time dealing with it. Its like when I was convinced I was going to spend my life depressed my brain shut me off from the world and I was able to get by and just sorta drift through. But now I'm so much more involved in my life and my world that when the feelings come they seem to hit so much harder than before. Obviously it doesn't help that I miss her so much, but I'm not depressed because I miss her, more like she was my defense against depression and it was flawless, but now without her I have nothing in place to help. Anyway, I know I'm not exactly in a bad situation compared to many, but when depression hits its easy to forget that. I guess I'm posting for three reasons mainly. 1. Just to get things off my chest. 2. To talk to people who feel similar to me, make me feel less alone. 3. To see if anyone has any advice about passing the time till she gets back. My main problem is when I get depressed, I have literally no drive, no will power or energy at all. So being told 'Keep busy' as I have by many people isn't really helpful as I find no matter how hard I try to convince myself to do something, unless I really REALLY wanted to do it in the first place, I generally can't get myself up. I have found a few things that keep me busy in the day that I actually enjoy enough to motivate me to do them, but they are few and can only take up a little of my day. I'd also like to hear if anyone has found worthwhile ways to motivate yourself to do things when they have no energy, because I swear, when I'm depressed and want to or need to do something, I just really can't, I genuinely feel paralyzed. Tbh that's probably the worse part of it, there's tonnes of stuff I want to do before she gets back that would help time pass, but I just physically can't bring myself to.