Need to find... Something...

Many members of this forum wont know me, this is because I haven't posted in a very long time.
I have been suffering with depression since I was about 13, although the intensity varied of course, it was always there, even on my best days I was never really happy.

That all changed about a year ago, I met my girlfriend and truly fell in love.
I could still feel that all my old feelings were there somewhere, but they were just so easily wiped out.
Anyway, she has now left for over a year, doing charity work in India teaching poor kids. I'm extremely glad she's doing something that means something both to her and the people she's helping and in no way wanted to stop her going.

Its just this last month since she left, I have realised just how much I depended on her.
Since she entered my life, she's kept my 'darker side' at bay and I have been happy, but maybe I got a little to well adjusted to her always being there.
Now she's away, I'm seeing that all my demons still exist, what's worse is that because I've been so reliant on my girlfriend, I haven't had to find a way to keep myself going, she did it for me.
So now I'm beginning to slip back to how I was, I'm getting depressed and angry a lot, I have a lot of compulsions that I didn't even realise I had stopped and I no longer no how to fight them like I used to.

It really difficult to explain, but because my life isn't bad anymore and this is only temporary, I'm actually having a harder time dealing with it.
Its like when I was convinced I was going to spend my life depressed my brain shut me off from the world and I was able to get by and just sorta drift through.
But now I'm so much more involved in my life and my world that when the feelings come they seem to hit so much harder than before.

Obviously it doesn't help that I miss her so much, but I'm not depressed because I miss her, more like she was my defense against depression and it was flawless, but now without her I have nothing in place to help.

Anyway, I know I'm not exactly in a bad situation compared to many, but when depression hits its easy to forget that.
I guess I'm posting for three reasons mainly.
1. Just to get things off my chest.
2. To talk to people who feel similar to me, make me feel less alone.
3. To see if anyone has any advice about passing the time till she gets back.

My main problem is when I get depressed, I have literally no drive, no will power or energy at all.
So being told 'Keep busy' as I have by many people isn't really helpful as I find no matter how hard I try to convince myself to do something, unless I really REALLY wanted to do it in the first place, I generally can't get myself up.

I have found a few things that keep me busy in the day that I actually enjoy enough to motivate me to do them, but they are few and can only take up a little of my day.

I'd also like to hear if anyone has found worthwhile ways to motivate yourself to do things when they have no energy, because I swear, when I'm depressed and want to or need to do something, I just really can't, I genuinely feel paralyzed.
Tbh that's probably the worse part of it, there's tonnes of stuff I want to do before she gets back that would help time pass, but I just physically can't bring myself to.

 

Hi hun welcome back i know that depression can suck liife out of you it is hard to just get up and do things. What works for me is i will just assign me to do one thing in a day one only even a small thing like get the mail it helps to get me outside in the air and i feel better abt getting up small steps okay even if it is just stepping outside your door for a few minutes I always find the small things motivate me to do another small thing i hope this makes sense hugs

 

I get that a lot and it's what happens when we get depressed. Things begin to lose meaning. At the moment that's my main problem because I have all these exams I have to do but I have no motivation to do them. The things that motivate me on some level are the things that I used to enjoy before I got all depressed (playing the piano or guitar etc) because they still mean something to me. You could also try picturing how you feel when she returns. As far as staying busy goes, I tend to watch a lot more TV than I used to because my mind can just switch off from reality for a while. I'm sorry if this doesn't really help, I thought it might give you some ideas.

 

Its okay, I appreciate all advice.
Sorry to hear about your situation psycho, I remember I had a particularly bad drop when I was doing my A-Levels, so I know exams when your like this are the worst possible thing.
Funnily enough the two things that have worked for keeping me busy are what you suggest, playing my instrument and watching TV, the problem is I find that's okay for a day or two, but when I've been drumming for 4 or 5 hours for the 3rd day in a row I just lose the energy to do anymore.
I do think watching more TV can help, but I don't want to become reliant on it, eventually I'll run out of things I actually enjoy watching, already pretty close haha...
But thanks for the input anyway x

 

Feelings of despair are like storm clouds- in time they pass or at least lighten. No storm can stay intense forever. Though it may feel like it. Are you a religious person? Have you tried praying? If you believe in the bible there is a nice scripture at 1 Peter 5:7 . God is aware of the circumstances that contribute to your distress. Prayer is not a mere crutch.
Hope you try it.

 

I hear you man, it is annoying how having a mate can fix problems. I went through something similar myself. Only my mate left me.

Anyway, how do you motivate yourself? Well whenever I see myself wasting away for no good reason. I remind myself that doing nothing gets you nothing. That if I skip my workout or skip my socializing. I am only falling behind on my goals. I also look at it like this. I can waste time, and be miserable now. However, when my time is almost up and I am still miserable. Well I have one more thing to regret in old age. I have one more thing to make me even more suicidal as I age.

I would rather go out and make a fool of myself now and regret taking action, instead of regretting doing nothing. If I do something I gain experience, I evolve, I learn, I become sexier :tongue: If I do nothing, I remain nothing.

Here are some things that were said to me on another forum I was...... Well I was trolling on :tongue:
Trying is no guarantee that you will succeed, but not trying will guarantee failure.
Stop telling me why you are failing and start telling me how you will succeed.
Those quotes still ring with me a year later.

In the end it is up to you. Only you can overcome this, and only you can change. I can encourage you, but I refuse to carry you. That is why my former roommate has yet to lose weight or get in shape. He wanted me to carry him to the top.

Anyway enough babbling, I hope this makes some sense.