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Need to get it out my system!

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Hanging by a thread, Jul 4, 2014.

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  1. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Well-Known Member

    So I've got to start talking about this during therapy......... I was raped when I was 8....and my mum told me off when I was running back to the campsite half naked. I can't understand why, but I blame her for this and to not ever asking about it or anything so I have never dealt with it. It's 18 years on and it has completely destroyed me. I can't handle these feeling, I can't handle the pressure, I can't handle the flashbacks. I don't know how I'm going to be able to start talking about it in therapy. Think it will push me over the edge. Feel sick just thinking about it, I remember the pain and the look in his eyes so vividly. Not only was it bad enough at the time it has left me now with borderline personality disorder and dissociative identity disorder. All from one act, the hate I feel towards him is unreal I've never felt something so strong. I want to destroy myself so that maybe I can build myself back together without being broken. That's what I am is broken. I can't see any future. I can't have a normal relationship because sex now leaves me in real pain although it's always been fine before well apart from the last 2'years. So I won't be able to have a proper relationship, move out and have a 'normal' life. Has anyone suffered from these disorders and still managed to hold down a job? Sorry for the rant, just need to practise talking about it and get some off my chest xx
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No, I have not experienced any trauma like this. I am so sorry that you still go through turmoil so many years later. You need not blame yourself as it was not your fault. Yes no doubt it has affected your life but do not let affect your fixture. One day, you will find happiness and just keep taking the therapy. The therapy will help you to overcome the emotional turmoil you have been experiencing. I hope this posts helps you and take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2014
  3. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Well-Known Member

    I really do hope that the therapy helps because I really can't take it anymore x
  4. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    While I wasn't raped, I was abused at the same age as you. It's only natural to blame your parents as you rely on them to protect you when you're that young. I still blame mine for not picking up on the very obvious signs and not being more supportive when I was in therapy. I haven't made much progress but I know that the first step is placing yourself back in control of your thoughts and feelings, which you may get from therapy.
  5. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Well-Known Member

    I just hope I'm able to talk about it in therapy because I always seize up!!
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, perhaps if you write it down on a note and hand it to the therapist, that might help. You can explain you seize as you cannot talk or want to relive the horrifying experience. It's only a suggestion to help you in your difficult time.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun, I thought I had replied to this the other day. Anyway, what you have been through is horrific, NO ONE should ever have to endure that and then to be treated like that from your mom. Always remember you are not at fault here, this monster is. Therapy can work wonders hun, it really is worth a try, it gets hard but the more therapy you get the stronger you become. I'm curious though, do you know this person? Have/would you report this to the police. Best of luck to you in your recovery process. :hug:
  8. Jonsey

    Jonsey Well-Known Member

    I wasn't raped at that young of an age. I was almost 20 and thought I was in love. Write your therapist a letter/story. It doesn't have to be detailed to let them know what's going on without having to verbalize it. As you become more comfortable talking add the details little by little. I hope this helps you as it has helped me.
  9. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Well-Known Member

    Hi, I managed to actually tell my therapist without writing it down. Yeah I knew him, his name was Jamie. I've never contracted the police, parents should of done that at the time :( it's just shit that it's all I can think about. I want to die soooooo bad, I feel worthless, used and just feel like I can never be normal :( xx
  10. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Hanging by a thread
    I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Please know you are not alone and in time you will heal.
  11. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Well-Known Member

    It will not heal, I can't take it any more :(
  12. Lingva

    Lingva Member

    What about if you tries to live to help other people in your situation? I know it sounds like "yeah but what about myself??" but for me that was the changes of my life - when I decided to live to prevent similar things from happening to others! Suddenly life started to have a meaning. It felt like a "revenge" for me - in a good way - and that gave me energy. I step by step felt more happy.
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