This isn't easy for me to type but this is what has happened to me that makes me so depressed. I just want to get it all off my chest before I die. Just so you know I’m a gay male living in the UK. I used to drink a lot and got myself in stupid situations, I don’t drink much anymore. The fact is that I have been raped twice, the second time was worse, but I think it was my fault it happened because I can’t help myself when I’m drunk, and neither events would have happened had I not been drinking. When I was 20/21 (not exactly sure, I had been going out with my first boyfriend for 6 months), I went out drinking one weekend and as usual I went and got really drunk at a pub in my nearest city. I was picked up by two guys, one younger than me and one older (they were going out with each other), and went home with them. When we got back we carried on drinking and at some point we go upstairs to their bedroom and I pass out, I don’t even remember taking my clothes off. We wake up in the morning and start playing around with each other. At some point the younger guy goes out to check on the older guys kids and leaves me alone with the older guy. The older guy decides to roll me over onto my back to have anal sex with me, I’m not too sure about it as I haven’t done that much yet. The guy pins my legs down against my chest hard and starts to penetrate me. I try to push him away with my legs and with my hands because it hurts, telling him to stop because it hurts so much but he just ignores me and puts one of his hands over my mouth and pushes himself into me harder. I want to scream but I can’t because of his hand and I can’t push him away. After he finishes he gets me to dress then him and his partner drives me back the 17 miles to where I live, then they go home. After this I felt really upset and confused, I really don’t want to remember, I just went into the nearest pub and drunk more alcohol all day before I went home were I was living with my parents. For the next 2 weeks I just spent the time crying my eyes out. Before my parents went on their holidays they said they wouldn’t leave the cat with me as they didn’t think I would look after her as I wouldn’t come out of my room or eat much but they didn't ask why I was crying. (I told my dad a year later and told him not to tell my mum and that helped me.) After two weeks I went to my doctors as I had to get a sick note for work as I didn’t want to tell them why I hadn’t been in work. It was a long appointment and I don’t know how I told him but I told him I had been raped by a guy. He told me that Male rape doesn’t exist and that it was only assault because I was gay and that gave me some pills for anxiety and a note for work and made a councillor appointment. I told my boyfriend at some point and he didn’t believe me either. A week after it had happened I told my probation officer at the time about it (they had noticed something was wrong and was concerned for me). I had no friends at the time and no-one to talk to and they really helped me through it and helped me to move on. I never reported this to the police. A year after this my dad had a major stroke and is no longer himself and doesn’t remember much of the last 30 years, but he never told my mum, bless him. The second time was about 19 months ago (I was 26) almost to this date. I had been off work for a while and just got a new job three months prior. Because I had money I was going out at the weekend and getting blind drunk. It was a Saturday night and after the pub closed I decided stupidly to go for a walk down the local gay crusing area which was by the river and in almost darkness. This was around 2-4 am Sunday morning. I called a mate and he said he would be down to pick me up in about 15mins. At some point before he arived some guy came up behind me and put this arm round my throat really tightly and said if I made a sound he would cut my throat and he showed me a yellow Stanley knife with the blade out. I sobered up quick. He forced me to the ground and put his hand over my mouth and ripped my tee-shirt and rubbed me then forced his hand down below and groped me. He then pulled my trousers off and forced himself inside me. I tried to move but couldn’t, he was too strong and heavy. When he had finished he told me to stay there and then he ran off, I don’t know where. I never got a good look at him. When I got up off the ground I pulled my trousers back on and ended up sitting on a concrete block. At some point after that my mate turned up and got out of his car. He asked me if I was all right and I burst into tears. He asked me what had happened but I wouldn’t say. He told me that if I didn’t stop crying and tell him he would call the police. I told him I had been raped I can’t really remember much after that. All I know is that the next few days involved me running out of my painkillers and having really bad withdrawal symptoms, me driving my car, me drinking lots and me getting more painkillers from the docs. Next thing I really know is me taking a massive overdose of my painkillers and a mate (not the same one as when it had just happened), taking me to hospital and I kept collapsing. They put me in a side room in A & E and left me there for ages with just my mate and I somehow kept taking more pills and passed out at some point. Apparently I kept trying to get out of the hospital and I did once but was grabbed by a mate before I could walk into the road. I must have told someone what had happened as the police were called and a police doctor examined me and took things off me for evidence. When the doctor was satisfied I was no longer under influence of the pills they sent me back to my mums with my mates. I was back in hospital again the next day for an overdose and stuck me in a side room again to the pills wore off and I was sent home. The next day (I think) I went into work and the nurse sent me to hospital as I took another larger overdose and couldn’t stop crying and I think I told her what had happened, but not too sure if she got it from me or not. To cut a long story short I lost my job, I was agency so as my doctor signed me off work, I was replaced as I couldn’t work. I know I had a major breakdown; I almost sectioned myself but chickened out at the last minute. I almost made another mate have a breakdown himself. My mates had a good go at my mum because she didn’t care that I had taken the overdoses and I screamed at her lots and told her why I’d taken them and about the first time I had been raped too. My mates helped a lot. The police carried out a long investigation and took lots of statements but due to not being able to get any suspect for it and enough evidence the investigation was dropped as they couldn’t do anything. I’m still not back to work and I’ve been having nightmares again and can’t sleep, I’m feeling really depressed and anxious. I’ve just had enough and I just can’t cope anymore I cant tell anyone I know and I can’t cry. It’s all my fault I shouldn’t have gone down the river in the first place. I just want to end all the pain I can’t deal with it anymore.