need to get this out

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Oct 13, 2009.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    im not here much anymore, i dont i fit in here....no matter where i go i ruin things, i ruin ppl lives...and yet im here to vent....i dont expect a reply im ok with that, ive learned to turn the pain onto myself deal with it that way...seems to be the only way.....but i guess i should say wat i came here to say...my grandpa has been in the hospital since friday nite and seeing him lying in that bed brought back memories of mom lying in the hospital bed. i didnt wanna remember that but it came anyways. I cant talk to my family (ive tried before and they dont understand) i was ok for awhile but seeing grampie sick made me go back 2 yrs and see it all over again...mom dying laying in the bed in her room...hemorrhaging blood and not seeing me only seeing thru me. My only friend in real life has moved away i dont see her anymore, nor does she talk to me...she was the only one who understood me and now there is no one....and the horse i love and have bonded with may not last the winter...if he dies i dunno how i will deal (hes very much connected with my mom). losing mom destroyed me...and now im destroying myself both on the inside and now on the outside....my old name would have suited me well now....forever_scarred...i used to think that scar was only a mental one but no more....i hate this feeling of pain and regret and grief and just the deep down pain that never goes away, i mask it but its never gone...i dont wanna live anymore:sad:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2009
  2. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Aw don't give up. Times may be tough and everything seems like it's never going to get better. I know how you feel. And about fitting in. . . well, I'm with you on that one too. It's very hard to fit in here. But if you ever need someone to just listen to you, feel free to pm me. You don't need to go through this alone :hug:
     
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you came here to get it out. Keep posting as you need to, it will help. I think most of us feel like we don't fit in, but we fit in here more than we realize.

    :hug:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for your loss of your mother that you feel alone now. Your mom would want you to get help talk to someone. Are you seeing anyone that can help you with your depression A grief councillor a psychologist as it can be very helpful even some medication can take you out of that deep type of depression. I hope your grandfather condition will improve try to visit him and talk to him. I bet you he understands. Glad you are reaching out for support here