i haven't self-harmed for about 3 months now, and as much as i should feel good about that, i don't. maybe if it had been "good enough" or something, oh i dunno, it's never "good enough". last time i only needed seven stitches. i'm so pathetic. now i need to cut, i need to feel it, i need to see bone, i know where i want to do, been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, but its getting stronger, and more frequent. i told myself i would do it last night, but then i found this site again, and i've been on here all night, (it's like 10:00am now). part of me doesn't want to cut, but it feels inevitable. it feels like i'm playing some warped childish game, spinning round and round and its getting faster and faster, and harder to stand up, and i know i'm going to fall, and the more i concentrate on not, the harder it gets. i don't even know what i'm talking about now, my head is racing and i can't make it slow down, because it knows, my mind knows that only one thing will make it calm. someone shut me up.