need to self-harm

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by broken_slate, Apr 13, 2009.

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  1. broken_slate

    broken_slate Member

    i haven't self-harmed for about 3 months now, and as much as i should feel good about that, i don't. maybe if it had been "good enough" or something, oh i dunno, it's never "good enough". last time i only needed seven stitches. i'm so pathetic. now i need to cut, i need to feel it, i need to see bone, i know where i want to do, been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, but its getting stronger, and more frequent. i told myself i would do it last night, but then i found this site again, and i've been on here all night, (it's like 10:00am now). part of me doesn't want to cut, but it feels inevitable. it feels like i'm playing some warped childish game, spinning round and round and its getting faster and faster, and harder to stand up, and i know i'm going to fall, and the more i concentrate on not, the harder it gets. i don't even know what i'm talking about now, my head is racing and i can't make it slow down, because it knows, my mind knows that only one thing will make it calm. someone shut me up.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Making it three months SI free is awesome. You should be proud of yourself. Did someone tell you it wasn't good enough? (Just trying to understand where you're coming from).

    Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from thinking about it? Congrats for staying on here last night and not SIing.
     
  3. broken_slate

    broken_slate Member

    no, no one told me. its just me, in me. it's not good enough unless it's serious. in my head. and i know that sometimes my idea of serious is a bit distorted. but for such a long time, when i was self-harming regularly, i was cutting to a point where i sometimes scared myself. to the bone, or cutting veins/arteries that i hadn't planned on. when i last self-harmed, before that, i hadn't done it for about 4 months, and it was just a one-off while i was on the last unit i was in. at the time it worked, in that it calmed my head down, kept me grounded when i felt like i was starting to dissociate, but as soon as i'd been cleaned and stitched up, it just seemed so pathetic. if i hadn't been on the unit, i wouldn't have bothered getting stitches for a cut like that, but they made me go.

    i don't really understand it myself i suppose.
    as for distracting myself, my parents have just got back from a weekend in devon, so i've got them around now too, AND i've just found the arcade part on this site lol, so i'm playing games. i think i'll be alright for now, i never normally self-harm during the day, so i feel a bit safer...from myself at the moment.

    thank you for replying, xxx
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Oooh, arcade? I need to do some looking around, LOL!!

    *hugs* Glad you're doing okay. I'm around a lot, so if you ever want to talk, you can drop me a PM.
     
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