Need to talk about this. *may trigger*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Odyssey, Mar 24, 2011.

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  1. Odyssey

    Odyssey Member

    I definitely waited until a point where I don't feel a desire to harm myself right now to post about this. I've been really good about managing my desires to cause myself harm in the last year or so, but sometimes it can be really difficult, especially when I'm coping with a stressful situation for which I blame myself. I guess I'm not really looking for advice...I just want to talk about it a bit. I don't tell a lot of people about it.

    Most people with whom I spend a lot of time eventually notice the scars on my arms from cutting. There are only a few---5 or 6---but then again, cutting didn't help me feel all that much better, so I stopped doing it. What did make me feel better, and the thing with which I still struggle, was burning. I'm still a little new to the forum and I'm not 100% clear on what is too much information about this sort of thing, so I won't give details. But it always made me feel like my mind was clearer, not only in terms of thinking more clearly, but also in terms of clearing away a lot of thoughts that just sit up there, obsessive, like smog in my mind. It also gave me a way to express my guilt and self-loathing when I blamed myself for something.

    The method I used never left long-lasting marks. They became significantly less noticeable within a week, and were gone within two. This is actually a bad thing, because it makes it more difficult to convince myself that I was doing something harmful to myself. But I know---I feel---that if I give in and start doing it again, it will escalate. And the thought process itself is, in a way, harmful: giving in to a desire that I know is very bad for me and will have long-term consequences only makes me feel worse about myself, not to mention even more guilty, so it perpetuates the cycle.

    Sometimes I can distract myself from the desires/thoughts easily with hobbies or wandering around on the internet. Sometimes it's harder...I have actually resorted to getting myself so drunk that I wasn't capable of getting stuff together to act on it. What worries me is that I can't seem to bring myself to get rid of the paraphernalia. It's in a box from when I moved, so it's out of sight, but I can't seem to just get it out of my residence. Maybe this is a bad thing because it's close at hand. But I also know that anytime I've tried to alter or prevent certain behaviors (such as eating junk food) by not letting whatever-it-was into my living space, I actually seem to be more likely to just go out and buy it in order to partake of it.

    But I am fighting it...and I've successfully resisted a few times when I wasn't sure I'd be able to. I just wish these desires would fade... :hiding:
  2. ParodoxialShadow

    ParodoxialShadow Active Member

    Hey, Odyssey. It's good that you decided to talk about it here. I find that talking about things, anywhere, with anyone, is helpful. The only problem is that, especially in real life, it's hard to find someone who will listen. That's what makes this site great; we can listen.

    Sorry, I tend to ramble. Anyways, I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what you're looking for here, but knowing that you should talk about things. I have no clue as to why I joined up, but here I am. I can't tell if it's helped me or not, but I think I've helped others, so at least some good has come of it.

    That whole method thing, with short-term side effects? I understand completely. Man, I got away with "the cat did it." Seriously. But I understand what problems that brings... too much escalation. But by far. the thing I can relate to most is the thought process being harmful- I struggle with that every day.

    If you want to talk more, PM me.
  3. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    I also burn rather than cut, thankfully not for 10 months now. I still have my means close at hand. I find if I have it close by, I tend not to obsess over it. As long as you can control the urge leaving the method in your house is fine.
  4. Odyssey

    Odyssey Member

    Thanks for your was actually pretty hard to sit there and write all of that. I appreciate your support and you sharing a bit of your stories with me as well.
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