On the path to suicide although now is not the time. The time will come in spring. In the meantime I have to get through the lonely nights and days. The days I seem to do all right because mostly am at work. Heartbreaking to listen to others comlain about their companies and benefits and I know I'm temp and I have no benefits and am greatful I have income. Skipped church today becasue all I'll be going for is companionship not God. Would like to call the therapist but she is so far away it seems rediculous to call and pay for an appt in which I rehash the same ole same ole stuff. Made plans to call the lawyer and annull the willl (I made it in a fit of anger and now I realize my stupidity). Want someone I can talk frankly with and get the hurt feelings out with and have someone hold me against the pain. Not going to happen. Can't commit suicide as I said because of the time of year but have been playing with the <method> wondering what it will be like.The therapist doesn't want to talk about what is it like to be dead but how it will hurt everyone around me. She doesn't agree with me that everyone will get over it. I don't know why I'm writing this here instead of my journal except I'm writingt to people who understand.