Need to talk

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by psycho8, Feb 28, 2014.

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  1. psycho8

    psycho8 Well-Known Member

    This will probably be a very long post and I apologise for that. But I feel I need to talk the whole thing out from the beginning.

    It all sort of started when I was 16, nearly 17. There was this family friend, 20 years older than me, I'll call him X. He was one of my aunty's best friends and he'd known me my whole life. He knew mostly everything about me, how my dad had murdered my mum when I was a baby, how I'd self-harmed for a while when I was 15, how I had been feeling depressed for several years. He also fixed our computer on a number of occasions, which I believe is how he came to know what websites I frequented, in what case he presumably knew even more about me than I was aware of at the time. I've always been very close with my aunty and from about age 13 she started to include me in gathering with her friend group, like Christmas parties and birthdays, which usually took place at X and his wife's house.

    A little while before I turned 17, (around about February/March 2009) I noticed this member on a McFly forum I used to go on all the time, who would comment on all my fan fictions and sent me a couple of pms. There was nothing to indicate their identity, the profile hadn't even had the gender selected, but I had this feeling like it was someone I knew. Then at a birthday party at X's house, he was talking to me and mentioned something about a book I was reading, that I'd only posted about on the forum, I hadn't mentioned it to anyone I knew and so I asked him how he knew about that and he told me the account was his and that he was sorry he hadn't realised I didn't know it was him. Looking back on the situation now, a 36 year old man creating a profile on a forum, about something he has no interest in, specifically to talk to the 16 year old niece of one of his friends, rings so many alarm bells in my head. The age of consent may be 16, in the UK, where I live, but that still sounds dodgy. At the time, because he was this trusted friend of the family I didn't think for a second that it was anything but innocent. I just thought he was being friendly, that since he knew I was having a hard time he just wanted to look out for me, simple as that. The next day he sent me a pm saying he was sorry and that he'd leave the site if I felt he'd invaded my privacy, but since I didn't see there as being anything untoward going on I said it was fine, I didn't mind.

    Over the next few months he continue to pm me and we'd converse back and forth via pms. At first it was only once or twice a week, but gradually escalated until in September it was nearly everyday. Also at gatherings with my aunty's friends, he'd often speak to me alone. Around about the end of August he started to tell me things, like how he was unhappy in his marriage and that his wife was jealous of me. I couldn't understand why that would be because she obviously didn't know he'd been talking to me outside of the birthday parties and whatnot and even that was just friendly nothing more, right? He'd also give me compliments on things, like outfits I'd worn. Anyway it was about that time that I actually started to question his feelings about me and whether they might be more significant than I had thought. I began to think that maybe he was attracted to me, but I really wasn't sure. I had no experience in dating, so I was sure I was probably misreading things; although I'd wanted a relationship since I was about 12 I'd never known how to approach someone and felt awkward and out of place in most social situations, so I really was clueless. But it just seemed like some of the ways he talked about us, seemed like he was suggesting at something more and I started to question my own feelings for him. Eventually in October he sent me a message saying he loved me at the time I was ecstatic and told him I loved him too. The messages grew more frequent and he began to say far more suggestive things than before and on a few occasions I remember him 'jokingly' referring to me as his mistress. At some point he sort of suggested talking more on msn messenger. We still talked through the pms a bit, but began to mostly use messenger, since it was quicker. I only lived about 5 minutes from school, so I'd even come home during free periods so I could talk to him.

    He then suggested meeting up. On a day when I had a long section of free period on my timetable, we met at a nearby park and walked around chatting. A while later he suggested a longer meeting on a day when his wife was away, for which I skipped lessons (I was always someone that never ever skipped school). This time he took me to his house, he kissed me, took off my top and bra, but I stopped things, because I felt ill. I felt sick and nauseous and wrong the more he touched me and I didn't know why. I never usually felt like that unless I was actually ill. So I ended up just sleeping on his couch for a while until it was time to go home. A couple of weeks later he asked to meet again and same as before we met near my house and he took me to his. This time before we even arrived I could feel the sick feeling coming back. When we got there he put on a film first and we sat and watched it, I found that by the time the film was over I'd gotten the 'feeling' under control. He undressed me, although he remained fully clothed. He touched/kissed parts of my body. I just laid there, I didn't really know what I was supposed to do and I was trying to just keep the sick feeling from coming back. Then after a bit I got dressed again and it was time to go back home. Finally, he asked one more time to meet up, at the beginning of January 2010, again before we even arrived the sick feeling was coming back, but we watched a film again, same as before, by which time I'd suppressed it. He undressed me again and touched/kissed parts of my body, same as before and then he took off his clothes. We had sex. Well I say we had sex. I just lay there and let him manoeuvre me however, like a puppet. He didn't use a condom. Afterwards he said he thought was probably sterile so it didn't matter.

    The next day I told a friend I'd had unprotected sex and she said I should get the morning after pill, so the day after, when I was meant to be somewhere else, I instead went to a youth sexual health drop in and got the pill. When I arrived back home my family had found out I wasn't where I had said I was going to be, so I lied and said I'd met a friend instead and they let it go. Later that evening I was talking to the same friend on msn and let her know I'd gotten the pill like she'd said. Her mum saw the message and rang my grandparents (who I live with). They questioned me about it and although I tried to lie and say I'd been seeing someone from school, they guessed I was lying and eventually I just had to tell the truth. They kept saying he'd manipulated me, used me, that I was vulnerable, but I was still so convinced we were both in love and even threatened to run away. He had me so wrapped around his finger I would've done anything he asked me to at that point. Later that evening they told my aunty, who also lived with us at the time. The thing I remember most about that evening was her just shouting at me 'he groomed you.' I didn't understand. Grooming was something paedophiles did to under-aged girls. I just kept insisting that he loved me. I had already warned him via im that they knew, while my grandparents were talking to my aunty and he told his wife later that evening.

    I wasn't allowed on the computer, except to show my aunty some of the messages. Then a couple of days later, my family sat me down to talk to me again. X's story of events didn't match up with mine, he was saying that I was to blame, that I initiated sex, I pursued him. My family believed me of course. Apparently, he'd also told his wife about a year before, sometime after I turned 16, that he was attracted to me, but had told her not to tell anyone.

    It was like my whole world crumbled, like someone had ripped these rose-tinted glasses off me and suddenly I was seeing everything for what it really was. Looking back at the messages, I could see how he'd known from the start what he wanted, how he'd used all the stuff he'd known about me, how he'd known exactly what to say, what buttons to push. It was like he'd gotten inside my head, twisted everything. I felt violated, used, betrayed. he did try contacting me a few times after that but I never spoke to him again, expect one message, after he e-mailed me almost a year later, just to tell him I didn't want anything to do with him. I realise now that emotionally I wasn't ready for an intimate relationship. I was stupid and naive.

    I started uni in 2010, but dropped out, because I was suffering from severe depression, brought on amongst other things, by what happened with X. I just wanted to forget everything that happened, but inevitably images would pop back and after a while I just wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to die. I was terrified of even the possibility of bumping into him in the street, still am.

    I know I probably shouldn't, but I realise I blame myself a lot. I feel stupid for trusting him, for thinking he was just a concerned friend, for letting him weasel his way into my life.

    It's been four years, but I still hurt so much and I can't move on. I haven't trusted anyone in four years. I don't trust myself to be able to pick the right people to trust. I don't think I can ever trust anyone again or let anyone get close to me. I haven't been with anyone since then and honestly I think I've given up even looking. I don't believe I'll ever have a relationship, I'm too broken. I hate thinking that he's still just out there, with his wife (she stayed with him), just living his life, while I'm here broken and scared. It eats away inside me. I don't think it can be considered rape, but whatever it was, he did something awful to me and he deserves to be punished, but as it is he never will. Most of my family don't even know, just my grandparents, aunty and her husband.

    I just want to know how to move on, how to stop feeling so terrible. I wasn't okay before it all and certainly aren't now. I did see a therapist for the depression (although I was on a waiting list for 2 years). I told him everything that happened, but I didn't feel like it helped or that he understood at all.
  2. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit confused after reading your story... but that's not important, the important thing is that you understand that life goes on and you must focus on what truly matters, not things that will only fester in your mind. You must also remember that not everyone's first time is a wonderful and magical experience, that is a movie myth. Most people's first sexual experience is pretty bad.

    I don't see how you could possibly think that. Everyone has bad relationships at some point or another, it's like riding a bicycle, you can fall over a million times but you just get back up and ride again until you get it right. Just keep an open mind... if you approach life with an attitude of "I will never have a relationship" you may lose out on the opportunity of meeting someone that you could have a deep connection with and that's no good. Also, remember that there are people on this forum that are willing to talk to you if you need it, just ask and you will find that many are on the same boat as you, struggling to make it in life... no one will judge or condemn you.
    Stay positive!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 1, 2014
  3. psycho8

    psycho8 Well-Known Member

    I'm not surprised, I've spent the past four years in a perpetual state of confusion. I thought maybe writing it out from the start might help get it clearer in my head. I think I've tried so hard to keep any thought about it out of my mind that large chucks have been forgotten or muddled in my brain. The only parts I really remember clearly are the parts I want to forget the most. I've only done so maybe three or four times, but if I look back at some of the messages I wrote to him, it's like someone else wrote them.

    I'll try and put it more concisely.

    I was a vulnerable teenager, had depression among many other problems. A much older family friend knew all of this and used it to manipulate me and push me into situations I otherwise would never have put myself into. Is that more easy to understand? I don't even know what to call that.

    I don't believe I'll have a relationship, because I don't feel able trust anyone. I'm not even sure any-more if I want a relationship or sex at all, but certainly not with a man, I've now identified as gay for quite some time. I don't feel safe around other people and I'm scared of being alone with older men. I feel that's probably why the therapy I had for depression didn't really seem to help. I didn't feel comfortable having a male therapist, which is something I had said in my assessment. But I'd already been waiting two years since my assessment to get treatment and if I'd declined I probably would've had to wait at least another year for another offer.
  4. pleasedonthateme

    pleasedonthateme Active Member

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