need to tell the whole story TRIG

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Malcontent, Mar 28, 2007.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    TRIGGERING!! - please don't read if hearing about child abuse will trigger you.

    I was 5. He was 18. I don't remember the first time it happened or how long it went on for, to me it seemed like years. I do remember that it happened every day. Even when my parents were in the house. But I was most afraid when they weren't, because it would be worse. I had a choice, I could've not gone upstairs with him. But every time I hoped he wouldn't do it, that this time he'd just be nice to me and wouldn't hurt me. But that never happened. Every time I would lie on the bed staring upwards waiting for it to be over. And when it was he would tell me that he had fun, and it was "our little secret". And like a fool I kept that secret. I even kept it a secret when he made me touch him while he was in the bath. I lied for him on a daily basis. I don't remember why I finally told, the only thing I remember was his mother calling me a whore. He was 18, but the thing was he had a mental age of about 7. He was a kid too, and I should've been the responsible one. I must have done something to make him think I wanted this. He's not the abuser, I am.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    aw Mal.

    That was so brave to post that. It must have been so hard, I have so much respect for you.

    I totally disagree with you though, you were not the abuser. You did not force him to do anything he didn't want to, you did not make him lie for you or tell him it was a secret, you were scared of him and what he did, you did not like it.

    It's common that people blame themselves, and thinkt that they made the abuser think they wanted it, but at 5, you would have had little or no knowledge about sexual behaviour. You would not have flirted or led him on, or anything else that tiny minded people think means that someone deserves to be abused.

    He, on the other hand did know about sexual behaviour, even if he was mentally young he would still have had to have learnt as he got older. He was also clearly taught as well which boundaries sexual behavious was acceptable at, and which sexual behavious was not appropriate. Had he not realised, or been taught, then he would not have said things like telling you to keep it a secret.

    I am not sure he can be held totally accountable though, yes he was the one in the wrong, but I am inclined to think that his carers are the ones who allowed him to commit such atrocities, and at the very least accountable to check what he was doing. Having a boys mind in a grown body can be dangerous (as he proved). Especially his mother. It is in no way acceptable to call a 5 year old a whore. No 5 year old can be a whore. You did not make the choice to ahve this happened to you, it was forced on you, which means it was not your fault.

    I have nothing but respect for you telling the story. I suspect that you are thinking people might tell you you are the abuser, you are probably scared of replies, and maybe secretly hoping that people will tell you that you are not the abuser, and I can promise you that you did not abuse this guy.

    You were abused by him, and also verbally abused by his mother.

    No 5 year old deserves that.

    If you ever want to chat feel free to PM me

    Take care of yourself
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    You are not the abuser in this situation. Whether someone has the mentality of 20 or 7, it's still not right, and you have to remember you were only a child too. You didnt do anything wrong, hun. I'm sorry you think you are at fault, but you aren't
  4. chasing_dreams

    chasing_dreams Well-Known Member

    I completely agree with the other posts mal. Having heard your story I don't think that anyone would ever consider you the abuser. Whatever his mental age, you were 5, and he was 18 - there was so way you could have fought back against someone who was that much bigger and older than you were.

    Please don't even think that you were responsible in any way. The fact that he may not completely have known what he's doing doesn't change the fact that HE was the one in the wrong, and not you. At the age of 5 you couldn't possibly have done anything to make him think that you wanted this, as you wouldn't have understood what was happening yourself. As kids we're still trying to find our way in life, and we tend to put too much trust in those who are older than us. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and thanks so much for sharing it with us.

    I just hope you can see that you did nothing to make this happen to you :hug:
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Mal, I was abused at 7, I carried the guilt for years and like you didnt tell a soul for over 6 years. When I did, it was swept under the carpet and I had to continue seeing my abuser as if nothing had happened (it was a family member.)

    Never ever think it was your fault, a child has no say in what happens where someone bigger, stronger and older is involved. Please find someone to talk this thru with, it is important to get the anger and fear and disgust out and dealt with. Am always willing to lend an ear Mal and understand exactly what this experience has done to you.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Mal I so know where you are coming from. I was in a similar situation as a young child. It lasted for close to 10 years. You were brave and finally told the secret. I never did. What was done to you was in no way your fault. You were the victim. He was the abuser. The perpetrator. You were an innocent child. What is a young child of 7 to do? I look at the 7 year olds I teach and wonder if they could get out of a situation like that. I would have to say that the majority could not. A child does what they are told by adults, even young adults. Please do not take responsiblity for or feel guilty over what happened. You were being a good child and doing what you were told. You had no choice. You were strong to survive. :hug:
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