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need to vent somewhere

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by WAC88, Dec 26, 2015.

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  1. WAC88

    WAC88 Member

    I guess I just needed somewhere to vent where no one knew me. I’m just, I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know what else to do. I just turned 27, and I’ve got nothing to show for myself. I’ve got PLENTY to show that I’ve done to help others succeed and prosper, but me? Nothing. I’ve spent the past decade of my life losing most important people to me (friends, father, girlfriends, daughter, niece) through moving away, death (including suicide), break ups and other crises. I have also spent that time, helping others, mainly those who’ve experienced serious trauma and mental illness. I was great at it. Through all of that I got a Master’s in a social work by the time I turned 23. After that, I spent 3 years, totally jobless. One year, I admit was me taking a break from life because my personal life was so filled with its own trauma I knew I couldn’t help others. But there was nothing I could do to make anyone professional hire me when I did try to get a job. I even got a state license but that didn’t help. The only things I could get were baby and pet sitting jobs, as I lived in my childhood home, dependent on my mother. I got increasingly depressed as I continued to lose more, and didn’t know what to do.

    I realized I wasn’t making and progress so I decided to try a different path and got a dog training degree. That enabled me to get a job in an animal shelter. I loved the job, and was so happy. I was finally making a difference, building confidence, I saw a future for myself in another arena I loved. I even went above and beyond to do more things for the animals and shelter than necessary. Even better than that was that I’d met a wonderful woman and started dating her. She was so perfect for me it almost felt like I’d ordered her off a menu. I’ll admit I was still unsatisfied with the small amount of money I was making, and my super long commute, but I was grateful to have the job and my girl. But then I lost my job this past Monday. I only had it for four months. I lost the job because of a lack of skills. I love dogs, I’ve loved dogs my entire life and anyone who knows me considers me extremely knowledgeable and always asks me for advice. I volunteered in shelter from the time I was 12 years old I’ve been more or less obsessed with dogs since I was conscious. But my physical skills suck. I’m clumsy, not very strong, and uncoordinated. I can’t control the dogs well, even when I know what I’m supposed to do. And, I lost my job, my health, and all the confidence I’d built up for so long.

    I don’t have enough strength to find another job, to do the resume and interview process. I also don’t think I have the proper skills to get another animal job, and if I could even get an interview for a mental health job I probably couldn’t do it because I’m such a mess now. I just have no skills or abilities left and I feel completely broken. I have no ability to support myself, and I see no chance of being able to do so. I’m like dead weight on my retired mother. Just, everything I thought I was good at…it turns out I’m not that good in them after all. It’s crushing, humiliating. I’m just a horrible failure now, and I’m a ball of rage and sadness and resentment. I tried therapy, but after several therapists none were more than a sounding board and occasional comfort to my loneliness. I don’t do well in therapy because I don’t respond to things like normal people and I know most of the things they’re going to say or suggest anyway. I hate seeing looks of desperation on people’s faces, looks of uncertainty and “oh shit, I don’t know what to say”. I’m tired of it, so that’s not an option even if I wanted to waste my mother’s money on it.

    I hate people telling me they love me, how I’m such a good person. I know I’m a good person, I know I’m better than most, I know I’ve “made a difference” to others. That’s all well in good, but what fucking good does it do ME? I’ve spent most of my life helping and living for others. I’m tired of it. I want to do something for me, I want to die. I’m sick of fighting. I see no point in living if I can’t support myself, can’t ever achieve anything I want. I have an amazing mother who truly loves me, and a wonderful girlfriend, and a great dog but they can only keep me going for so long. I have nothing inside myself. I feel like my soul died slowly over the past several years. There’s so little left inside me and it’s just not enough. If not for them I’m pretty certain I would do it in a minute. I just don’t want to hurt them. But I don’t know what else to do. It feels like my only option is to just slowly waste away in my misery. I’m convinced my girlfriend will leave me soon if I don’t get better, and I don’t know if I can I wouldn’t stay with someone like me, and previously I haven’t.

    I hate this. And I hate that people try to say (especially my mom) that there must be “something to help me”. I don’t need “help” I need a fucking job! I need to not feel like any little mistake I make is going to fuck my life up. I need to feel some security like I’m not running on a frozen lake waiting to fall through. I’m not prone to depression or sadness without reason. I HAVE REASON. I just want my life to fucking get better but I can’t fight anymore. I have nothing left anymore. But no one believes me, or they just can’t face it and keep telling me I need to keep going. OR they tell me I am strong, or other things that just make me angry.

    I don’t even want support or anything I just need to say something to someone who isn’t invested in me.
  2. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    First off, great work on your degree! That's something to show!

    Have you talked to your girlfriend about all this? Is she one of the people telling you there "must be something to help me?"

    What kind of work are you willing to do?

    I'll give you one suggestion, which being a Social Worker, you can probably know if it's good or not, but local hospitals tend to have low skill jobs; janitors, laundry workers, Certified Nurse Technicians, etc, that would give you a steady job, and not require skills.
    I work in Laundry at my local hospital, and I barely had an interview, and they never even read my resume, and I got the job.
  3. WAC88

    WAC88 Member

    Right now taking a low level position like that would likely make me sob every day at work from the humiliation. And I can't fold fitted sheets.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Having a job isn't humiliating - no matter how 'low level' you consider it to be. It's a place to start - and any start is better than no start.
  5. WAC88

    WAC88 Member

    Um, well I consider it to be. I have had positions that were very humiliating and I don't want to do that again. I don't care if someone else doesn't consider it so, but I do. I just came on this to vent, I don't need to be lectured on what emotions I feel and why.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I'm nearing your age and could only dream of having your qualifications. I also love dogs, my one currently has arthiritis :(
    I am sorry you are feeling so low and hope that venting here has helped you. You deserve to be cared about are no you are not a mistake. Good luck and I look forward to seeing you around the forums.
  7. WAC88

    WAC88 Member

    Thanks. I think that's something that bothers me even more. People are always telling me I accomplished so much or have to much under my belt but that doesn't matter. Right now I just feel like I have a small stack of expensive pieces of paper. They've done me almost no good whatsoever and I almost feel like "achieving" all of that was a mistake. At this point I would be worlds better off if I had just gotten a job at an animal shelter when I was 18 and worked my way up. I'd be ok if I'd done that, but I went to college and now just wasted my parents' money and my own youth and sanity.

    I just feel like it would be a good time this January. I'm seeing and have seen family and friends I normally never see, or rarely do. I had a good birthday and Christmas, and did say goodbye and will say so to friends moving across and out of the country. I just feel so pathetic and I don't want to lose my mind again for nothing. I'm holding myself up ok for the holidays and visits but I know I'm going to crash soon when everyone goes back to their normal lives and I'm sitting at home with my computer.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I get this too. I have severe jealousy of my sister, she has a law degree and a good respectful job, a trainee tax consultant. I really am sorry for what you are going through, life can be unfair at times but there's so much to look forward to too, you had a good christmas and birthday and hopefully you will too next year. Have you tried volunteering in an animal shelter? Going out of state for a change? A holiday? I hope things start looking up for you soon, you deserve it to. Best of luck.
  9. WAC88

    WAC88 Member

    I volunteered at animal shelters for 13 years from the time I was 12 until last year. I've had excessive experience volunteering. I don't have any money to go away, or really anywhere I'd want to go right now. But thanks.
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