I guess I just needed somewhere to vent where no one knew me. I’m just, I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know what else to do. I just turned 27, and I’ve got nothing to show for myself. I’ve got PLENTY to show that I’ve done to help others succeed and prosper, but me? Nothing. I’ve spent the past decade of my life losing most important people to me (friends, father, girlfriends, daughter, niece) through moving away, death (including suicide), break ups and other crises. I have also spent that time, helping others, mainly those who’ve experienced serious trauma and mental illness. I was great at it. Through all of that I got a Master’s in a social work by the time I turned 23. After that, I spent 3 years, totally jobless. One year, I admit was me taking a break from life because my personal life was so filled with its own trauma I knew I couldn’t help others. But there was nothing I could do to make anyone professional hire me when I did try to get a job. I even got a state license but that didn’t help. The only things I could get were baby and pet sitting jobs, as I lived in my childhood home, dependent on my mother. I got increasingly depressed as I continued to lose more, and didn’t know what to do. I realized I wasn’t making and progress so I decided to try a different path and got a dog training degree. That enabled me to get a job in an animal shelter. I loved the job, and was so happy. I was finally making a difference, building confidence, I saw a future for myself in another arena I loved. I even went above and beyond to do more things for the animals and shelter than necessary. Even better than that was that I’d met a wonderful woman and started dating her. She was so perfect for me it almost felt like I’d ordered her off a menu. I’ll admit I was still unsatisfied with the small amount of money I was making, and my super long commute, but I was grateful to have the job and my girl. But then I lost my job this past Monday. I only had it for four months. I lost the job because of a lack of skills. I love dogs, I’ve loved dogs my entire life and anyone who knows me considers me extremely knowledgeable and always asks me for advice. I volunteered in shelter from the time I was 12 years old I’ve been more or less obsessed with dogs since I was conscious. But my physical skills suck. I’m clumsy, not very strong, and uncoordinated. I can’t control the dogs well, even when I know what I’m supposed to do. And, I lost my job, my health, and all the confidence I’d built up for so long. I don’t have enough strength to find another job, to do the resume and interview process. I also don’t think I have the proper skills to get another animal job, and if I could even get an interview for a mental health job I probably couldn’t do it because I’m such a mess now. I just have no skills or abilities left and I feel completely broken. I have no ability to support myself, and I see no chance of being able to do so. I’m like dead weight on my retired mother. Just, everything I thought I was good at…it turns out I’m not that good in them after all. It’s crushing, humiliating. I’m just a horrible failure now, and I’m a ball of rage and sadness and resentment. I tried therapy, but after several therapists none were more than a sounding board and occasional comfort to my loneliness. I don’t do well in therapy because I don’t respond to things like normal people and I know most of the things they’re going to say or suggest anyway. I hate seeing looks of desperation on people’s faces, looks of uncertainty and “oh shit, I don’t know what to say”. I’m tired of it, so that’s not an option even if I wanted to waste my mother’s money on it. I hate people telling me they love me, how I’m such a good person. I know I’m a good person, I know I’m better than most, I know I’ve “made a difference” to others. That’s all well in good, but what fucking good does it do ME? I’ve spent most of my life helping and living for others. I’m tired of it. I want to do something for me, I want to die. I’m sick of fighting. I see no point in living if I can’t support myself, can’t ever achieve anything I want. I have an amazing mother who truly loves me, and a wonderful girlfriend, and a great dog but they can only keep me going for so long. I have nothing inside myself. I feel like my soul died slowly over the past several years. There’s so little left inside me and it’s just not enough. If not for them I’m pretty certain I would do it in a minute. I just don’t want to hurt them. But I don’t know what else to do. It feels like my only option is to just slowly waste away in my misery. I’m convinced my girlfriend will leave me soon if I don’t get better, and I don’t know if I can I wouldn’t stay with someone like me, and previously I haven’t. I hate this. And I hate that people try to say (especially my mom) that there must be “something to help me”. I don’t need “help” I need a fucking job! I need to not feel like any little mistake I make is going to fuck my life up. I need to feel some security like I’m not running on a frozen lake waiting to fall through. I’m not prone to depression or sadness without reason. I HAVE REASON. I just want my life to fucking get better but I can’t fight anymore. I have nothing left anymore. But no one believes me, or they just can’t face it and keep telling me I need to keep going. OR they tell me I am strong, or other things that just make me angry. I don’t even want support or anything I just need to say something to someone who isn’t invested in me.