Need to vent....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Chickpea, Sep 2, 2007.

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  1. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    I know I don't know anyone here but I just need to vent my thoughts. I feel very trapped and I'm getting more and more certain that I'm going to just end it all soon. I have a counselling session on Wednesday and I'm finding it hard to even bear holding on until then! :blink: I know that everything wrong in my life is totally self inflicted, and yet I still can't seem to break free from my bad habits, and I've already isolated myself so much that it seems impossible to go back to any kind of 'normal', social lifestyle. I keep stepping further over boundaries I promised myself I'd never cross and I just feel like a terrible person.

    I need to end this now! I'm holding out for that next counselling session but I don't know why I'm bothering, because I know that there is no magical cure and I know that it doesn't even particularly bother her if I do end up dying. I'm just a client. She said people die all the time. I feel like I'm putting my last tiny scrap of hope onto whatever this woman is going to say. But I always end up crying in her office, and I don't know if I can bear to cry again!:blub:

    Chickpea x :badday:
  2. no point

    no point Well-Known Member


    of course it would matter to people if something happened to you. i know it feels like you are never going to get out of this bad place, never be able to socialize with people again or even never going to be happy. but one day you will leave this all behind, just think of that. if you wanna talk, you can always PM me :hug:
  3. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Hang on in there, thing will pick up in the end.

    They have for me.

    Don't worry about the crying, thats a good thing, letting it out, letting stuff go, try not to be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, I'm 40 years old and boy what a mess I have made of my life, most of which was at some level all my own doing, but it is possible to get past that and look forward to the future again, I to kept on making the same mistakes, and still do at times, looking for answers in the wrong places, doing the same things all the time, cutting myself off from every one and every thing, it can be a really hard habit to break and its definately not easy, I think once you reach a cirtain point you know that anyway, but and its a big but, it is possible to overcome, to move on, feel better and have some happyness back in your life.

    You don't have to always feel this way and you won't always feel this way, things can get better, if you need to see the cousilor more than once a week then ask her if you can see her twice a week, talk to folks on here, or just use this as a place to put down in words how you feel, that in its self can be a big help, it was for me.
  4. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the thoughts.... I know it is possible for people to get better, but I don't feel like I personally can. I guess you could say that is distorted opinion but I don't know. I want to change but I don't manage to do anything about it at all. I don't like being this way. Why can't I do something about it?

    I've managed to "give up" the drink for 2 days now, but I'm going INSANE over it lol. The days are unbearably long. And it never lasts, I always go back to it. I feel like a total loser.

    I made myself physically sick... hmm.... four or five times today. I do that every day! And I can't stop myself! I just find myself walking to the bathroom and just.... I lack self control! This is so stupid. I hate doing it.

    I'm so frustrated and angry at myself.

    And the thing that makes me feel most pathetic of all tonight is that I don't even know how to kill myself :sad:
  5. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    You shouldn't feel pathetic, the being sick thing is all about control, a bit like the not eating much thing is for me, in the last 6 months I have lost almost 2 and 1/2 stone, ok I needed to I was a big guy, and no ones like a fat bloke, so I started cutting down on food, but now its more about have full control over something in my life more than its about losing wiehgt to look good, for the first time in many years, people walk up and say nice things, look at me with envy and ask me how I have done it, its a messed up world we live in, when half starving yourself is seen as a good thing, I am really going to have to keep an eye on it, as I can feel it slowly getting out of hand.

    The not being able to do anything about it, was for a long time, for me, all about being afraid, scared and just too wrapped up in my own uselessness and depression to be able to do any thing about it, again that's pretty typical I think of how depression gets you and the sort of self loathing emotions, that every one trapped in a situation they think they can not change, goes through, so it's not really even your fault you are this way, its just the ways things go for folks in our condition, I am slowly getting better though, so don't give up, hang in there

    Like some other post I read on here, which kind of boosted my ego a little bit, people with high than average intelligence, but lower than average emotional coping mechanisms, brought about from childhood and other life experiences, are more vunerable than most and after reading a few bits and bobs about it, i realised that it described me and my life, almost perfectly, I know you are going to say its a a cop out and I know I have had a big deal to do with how my life is turning out, I gave up blaming others a long time ago, but it wasn't all my own doing, it wasnt all my fault, I was also pushed in this direction by those around me, even if they didn't know, what it was they were doing to me at the time, even if they thought they were helping.
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