Hi everyone. I've seen this website before but I've been without a computer a long time. It's 6:16 AM here and I've been up almost 24 hours, and I have to be at school at to register for spring classes. First off, my name is Beth, I'm 19 years old, in college. So this is why I want to kill myself...might as well jump right into it huh? :smile: Well, I was born to older parents. My father was a cop and ex. alcoholic who also has anxiety disorder, OCD, bipolar-ism (that a word?), and many other "conditions" I don't think have ever been diagnosed. He takes enough sedatives to OD 5 different people but he still struggles with everything. My mother was also had mental disorders which I never really learned about. All I know she was mean to me sometimes. There'd be days of the week where she'd be the most loving, kind mother I can imagine. Then there were days where I got yelled at, hit, called names. She also had many physical problems, one of them which crippled her. She was very ashamed of this and hardly left the house because of how she looked. I remember being ashamed of her too sometimes. I hate myself for saying that and feeling that way, but that's how it was for me. Despite all this me and her had a very close relationship and I even slept in the same bed with her for years while her and my dad were separated. All this before I was 12. The summer of my 12th year my mother started getting very sick very often. She'd go to the hospital for dehydration and have blood transfusions about twice a month. Finally she ended up in the hospital...dying. The doctors said she needed a heart transplant but her body would be too sick to handle the surgery. The doctors said she could be put on life support but it would break her neck. I'll never forget being in the hospital a week before she died. My teachers excused me from school and I ate, slept, and lived at that god forsaken place. My father was a mess at this time...constantly high. The man even BROUGHT A GUN to the hospital (this was years after he retired as a cop). He told me (remember, 12 at the time) he was thinking about killing everyone in that hospital. He showed me the gun and I begged him not to. I remember knowing my mom was going to die and thinking the last thing I needed was a dad in jail. Well he never did kill anyone. He did start smoking again...you'll see later why I mention that now. So I was a 12 year old kid all alone. I had aunts and uncles around me...but I was alone. I remember walking the streets and wondering what I should do. This was also about the time I entered puberty and guys started to notice me. I dressed like a hooker and walked through the hospital just to see how many guys would hit on me. Anything to get my mind off of what was dying on the 3rd floor. So my mother died October 2nd, 2001...11 days before my 13th birthday. Pay attention because it's about to get real trippy. When my mother died...there was some sort of split in who I am. I mean I know who I am, Beth, and I could tell you that any time in the day. But who I was before...and the memories I had of my mother...they went somewhere. I don't know where. But I pushed them away. I never cried for my mother...I never thought about her...I never thought of any existence before that day. So it's like I was born again on October 2nd. I never mourned. So grades 7-10 were pretty much a blur. I wasn't depressed. I EXHAUSTED MYSELF KEEPING MY MIND BUSY. I'd spend hours on the internet reading about anything, hours watching TV, hours listening to music. I didn't think of my mother at all. I swear to God...I created fantasy characters in my head. At night when the house was quiet and there was nothing to do...I simply think of these characters and walk back and forth. For hours on end. No matter what, I didn't let my mind rest. I knew if I did I'd think of my mother and the pain would probably kill me. So I spent my time either numbing my mind with TV/internet, or using fantasy to avoid the world. Anything to keep me from thinking about my mother. I mean...I say this now beacuse I realize it. At the time I didn't know WTF was wrong with me. I pushed away everyone I loved as well. I never talked to my relatives. I never talked to my friends. I literally said about two sentences to my dad a a day...that's it. I didn't shower, I didn't comb my hair, I didn't wear anything other than the same sweats everyday. My appearance was the last thing on my mind. And at this time everyone thought I was depressed. BUT I WASN'T. Like I said, I was never sad. I didn't allow myself to think of my mother...at this time I didn't even remember anything about her. Can't explain why, still can't. I wasn't depressed I was just engrossed with my inner dialogue...my "fantasy world" that filled my thoughts. The outer world...I wasn't interested in. There were about 3 times during this time period I allowed myself to think of my mother. When I did I cried so hard I hyperventilated. I put myself back in my fantasy world because I realized I COULD NOT BE NORMAL AND FACE THE THOUGHTS OF HER. There was just no doing it. I couldn't think of my mother and go to school at the same time...in order to lead a normal life I had to keep forgetting her. One time I heard a song from the 90's, a song that remind me of my mother. And that night I couldn't get my fantasy to work. Let me just say this, I've never been a self harmer...but that night was different. I grabbed a razor and went crazy on myself. About 50 deep cuts up and down my arm. I was 14 at the time. It was only when I poured alcohol into my wounds that I entered my fantasy world again. And again I could be numb to thoughts of my mother. Oh, and I did the drug thing. Weed, alcohol, DXM, methadone, etc. Let me just say...those things are "cute" compared to what I could create in my mind using my fantasy alone. So I've never been a big drug person, I just can't escape that way. At that time, I couldn't. For some reason I started to change my junior year of high school. I started to slowly intergrate back in society. I showered and did my hair. I dressed nice. I started talking to new people and even reconnected with some of those I pushed away. I did great in school and actually had fun with my friends. I no longer had to exhaust myself to get rid of the thoughts of my mother. It's like they were gone at this point in time. I could put energy into other things besides repressing her. I had totally forgotten her and blocked her from my mind. I was so happy at this time...I felt normal for the first time in years. This continued my senior year where I did even better. I got a boyfriend, became social, and really "blossomed." My appearance changed and I became much more attractive, and that was just a plus. I graduated high school with honors...and friends...being normal. I had a car, had started a job, and was getting ready for college in the fall. Then the doctors found a spot on my dad's lung in July 2007. He had a biopsy in the same hospital my mom died in. I was totally alone at this point...I was the only one in the waiting room waiting to hear how he had done. I couldn't believe it...18 years old and alone. I saw families all around me...and I didn't have anything. Like I said before, my aunts and uncles abandoned me. I have no grandparents. No brothers or sisters. My dad is literally all I have. Being in that hospital brought back so many bad memories. I didn't go back to my fantasy world but I did manage to hook up with a random guy to get my mind off things. I had never done that before...I was (and still am technically) a virgin. But I was on my knees for this guy 2 hours after we met. They said my dad had stage 4 lung cancer, the terminal type. They told him he had about 2 years to live. They put him on chemo to try to extend that. His mental disorders combined with chemo have left him bed ridden. So everyday I: fix our food run errands clean the house take care of the dogs And then go to college full time. I'm lucky I passed all my classes this past semester...made 3 D's! One of my professors called me lazy and I felt like...well I won't say. It's very illegal. So let me just tell you this. My father is on disability and so when he dies I will get nothing (poor dude only makes like 18K a year anyway) as far as income anymore. He has no savings. I have no savings. Or job. Yet I will be expected to run the house (utlities, water, stuff), pay for my car insurance (my car is a necessity, I live in the boondocks), and my father said HE STILL WANTS ME TO GO TO COLLEGE. Well I don't see how that's going to happen. I'm going to be very poor. So I don't even know what I'm doing in school. I have no idea what I want to study. As you can imagine my mental weirdness is back and 1000 times worse than it was for my mother. But not only do I have the stress of never facing up to her death...I have the stress of my father's impending death. And all the issues that goes with it. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? I AM ALL ALONE. What am I gonna do when my dad dies? How am I supposed to live? I can't get a job! I can barely make it to class half the time. I'm exhausted from just supressing all the thoughts again. This time I've found sleeping pills helpful. I sleep about 16 hours a day now...usually. I plan on going to register for my classes then coming home and taking 4 sleeping pills. That's just what I do...works wonders. I want to drop out of college because I can't the stress...but my dad won't let me. He said if I loved him I'd stay. Not to mention if I drop out I'm offically off my dad's health insurance. Can you believe that? If I stay in school I might die of stress, if I drop out my dad will be mad because I've messed up my benefits. I might kill myself right after my father dies. I definitely won't do it before then. I need help...but I can't get any. I have to take care of a grown man and go to school...and I'm all alone. I don't know what to do. There's no one else to take care of my father. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do when my father dies? My mother's gone...and I still haven't faced that.