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Need your help(maybe a part is triggering)

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I dont get many replies to my posts, um. its a long thread, if ud like u can skip down to the last 3 paragraphs. just, need some advice. maybe even just some, communication on this. i would.. really really appricate it.

I've had my rough patches in my life. One, the main cause, when i was little, fractured my perception and devoured all that was loveing and whole. If every feeling and perception has its own course, its own string, and they all move along eachother in harmony and unison, this event ripped through those delicate strings and left a darkness. There was and is alot more of the positive love and life in me than this darkness. It knocked alot of my immature and newborn feelings and perceptions into deeper depths, somewhat as, thinking 3 steps ahead of yourself. You precede to do an action, well, that action will(or can) cause this,(and this event will(or can) cause that) ect. perceptually I grew from this experience. In a life mannor, I became hindered. This event left a gapeing whole in my sexuality perception, and I soon learned association. My fear of this darkness inside of me, or this memory, or the chaos it threw me into, soon left me to my own devices as no one seemed to be on the same wave length as me. My mother wasnt, and you want to know something, tonight, i fully forgive her. Even though there is nothing to forgive. I forgive her for not being there for me the way i needed to be, and i understand she couldnt be. She couldnt. I am sorry for the way I treated you, the way I have been treating you all my life. We have our differences, you placeing your trust in a beliefe, while me, .. .. I don't know. To you, I will find my own way, I am. I have found the most amazing girl in the world.. and I do not wish to harm her. My anger towards you mother is not directed firmly on you, but utter frustration for being wrong. I cannot stand to be wrong. It was wrong of my to pick that flower that inadvertantly let that boy rape me, or try to. I do not recall anymore if he did, wether he tried and couldnt. Usually id ramble, but im going to just flow on a truth without excessive talk. Whatever happened during those moments, all I remember was picking a flower in his front yard. He was a few years older than I am, maybe more, i do not recall. I picked this flower, cause it was beautiful, and I wanted to take it with me. He came out i think in anger, and got me into his house. I remember being on the carpet floor, feeling the rug burn as i was dragged away from the door.(that is if this is true, as I never commit to it... but... maybe that's my problem. I live in a state of if I cant commit to this certain event, how can any event afterwards be certain. I'm commiting to this memory, this part happened.) He dragged me across the carpet, and I saw the lighting seaping through the sides of the door. Other than that, I can not recall anymore. That's my jist. Ive always hoped I could re-stimulate the memories, throughout my entire life I have believed that if I fall to a certain level of pain and tourment I will fall into the memory. I am firmly stateing to myself I can not. IF it happens, it will happen on its own natural accord, but I can not stimulate it to bring it forward. I always wanted to be stronger than it, to repell it, but I can not take back Time. The act occoured. The pain and confusion occoured. it seeped into me like a spiraling concept throwing its perception over all that is good. And I.. liked the pain.

Physical pain, mm i like it. I used to get beat up alot, even by teanents of mine. Twisting of arms and shit like that for example, just how much further can I go. It was so basic though, so gruntish, I knew I had no perceptional understanding for the feeling. But where it left me ... thats a different story. anyhow lets just skip that, but i wrote it so itll stay.

so sex was .. Whoa! anything associated with sex was something I had to deal with, finding ways to dodge all aspects of it without bringing about suspicon. i dont know the order, but heres somethings i did. No girlfriends. Completely cut out as much contact with girls, though, naturally that was not what i wanted so conflict right there, but i chose to suppress natural instinct. I made myself believe that I could become a rapeist, .. though there are certain areas where I can explore the pleasure of dominence that would not break me into a rapeist. The fine line between the two, the utter ability to have control, and understanding, I knew id never aqcuire this, not off my inabilty to even remember or look at certain things. Any uncertainties I had kept me back from ever puresueing this field, so that was another Door I had to shut. And to be honest everytime someone mentioned rape or a rapeist, i thought they were looking me square in the eyes and implying it about me. Not fun, not when u see it on tv, and hear it on the news about a rapist or whathave you. Cause some might hear and see that. I saw a concept for dillusion. Imagine a world hateing you because you had commited such an event. imagine the pain you caused someone. Imagine the utter hatred you would recieve. Imagine everything you wouldnt have. everything u couldnt have. imagine that stain, that perminent stain on your exsistence... not in this life, but in ur exsistence. raw chaos with substance.

I dont know when, but the concept if you can see it is, I can take events or aspects from life, and place them here, or there in my mind and produce a situation. (day dreaming, we all can do it) from here, i play with a scenario. In the beginning, erhm... actually I dont want to get into them, but, in a nutshell, i was saveing people from a hell of a situation, and i was always the weakling in it. (honestly, i hate harming people, except if they deserve it((now thats a dangerous comment dont you think? how deep does your perception and understanding and patience go. What are your ares for "deserve" it))

Whenever someone would hurt me, it wasnt such a little thing. I had tough skin ..ish. I grew it. ish. Tough skin for the environment I was put it, and fuck, was i in a pussy environment. One thing i used to blame my mom, because i wasnt in a hostile environment(which still to this day i wish iwas kinda, :( . ) i missed out on alot of things. Anyways, in the beginning everytime someone hurt me, i basically got the harm from that event, + the shockwaves from the rape. but not like that because thatd perv..oh yeah i fucking hate that word. Pervert. Fuck. ThatAUG! NOT THAT. anyways. i dont know how, but i just got the pain part of the event. so id get hit with a horrid comment, and the comment would hit, but it would travel to the depths that the rape went. kinda like i had a massive hole in my defenses. i think, i shielded myself off completely, because in order to fix that hole, id need to look at the problem, and i dont think that was an option, cause that would mean,... looking at something in specific. (conceptually, avoid specifics now).

blah, life story, i could be here all night. basically, i ripped my life apart with concepts and holding true to concepts and now, im just here.

im angry

im immature

i dont percieve anyone but myself.. for the most part

and im trying to stop it. im trying to stop making excuses and feeling sorry for myself and stop jumping on the spiral that i do. I can bullshit myway to china, and believe u me, when i get going i believe so much that i am on my way to a point. ... she tries so hard with me,(my friend, the closest ive ever had)..i love her so much, but i challenge her every step of the way. I nudge up against her comments

i cant just jump with her flow i ..i donno. when it comes to me, ill challenge it. cause dont i have to be right in the end? .. what if i accept what shes saying(which for fuck sakes is always right in the end, i just.. she moves foward quickly, and i donno.. automatically i evade me but i want to talk about me. it makes no sense. like a person who is dying to get over a problem they refuse to see). so i mean.. er. alright. lets get to what im at.

i can hit some real bad lows. and the whole of exsistence losses its depth, and suddenly im the focal point and its ..pretty damn bad. im fucking terrified im going to hurt someone someday, like many years from now, if i dont deal with this right. and by the way, i mean hit someone, or emotionally drag someone down. ( ido emotionally hurt people..... i dont get it, i never ...i always believed it wasnt me to do this..) to me this is the true beginning part of being an abuser. I want a family, I want a life, i want to be in society(in general, i hate most of societies routines and "rules"..anyhow), i want.. i want to share life with people. but i want and need to control and understand what im doing. if i can understand it.. i then need to HOLD onto that understanding. .....

she tries and i shoot her down. i fall into the beliefe i am right mode. i want to stop that.

i want to no tense up and close up. i want to let go of this monkey on my back and live my life.

i want, i guess this is it, to be able to hear and listen to someones opinon without over-reacting to it, or taking it so personally. I want to stop lashing out on the people i love. im so afraid of loseing her. i want.. i know i can be so much more. uve jsut read the shit part of my life(Which i know, isnt that shit, but it's taken up almost 16 years of my life, so.. to me this is The shit, to me,, but not The Shit...)

i want to make something that i can say to myself to calm myself down. so i dont jump on my spiral of being right. that means i somehow need to keep my mind in an open minded state. which is my normal state but when im challenged (and i can make any situation as a challenge to me(dont say stop it, thats the overall objective, but ineed some help with stepping stones)) i fall into the, im right, throw up stone walls, u aint coming in and messing up my perceptions.

how do i keep myself calm, keep myself from placeing someone elses perceptions above my perceptions, but not below my perceptions. how do i view thought without being sucked into it. .. i dont want a war. i know thought talk is so tedious and dangerous on these levels. this ones simple, im thinking i can handle most of it, except keeping myself calm. anything would be nice. ..something...even the most rediculous thing... im not looking for saving grace... just something to get my cogs moveing... if ud like to help... ud be truly helping me. anything really.. i aint picky.. just ... needing some help

thanks for reading
Your questions are not ones that are simple to answer. I think it has to come from within you to be accepting of other people viewpoints. Trying to see things as they would see them. Maybe some exercises in role playing would help you. You are forced to step into someone elses shoes and see the world through their eyes. As you get used to doing this, you may feel more open to what they feel. You may come to realize that not all things have a right and wrong answer. I will think about this further and if I come up with anything else, I will respond later. Take care Blake. :hug:


Well-Known Member
what Gentle Said totally sumed up what i was gunna say.
soo.. i guess this reply is kinda pointless now.

But listen to Gentle she knows what shes talking about.

Hang in there
From josh
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