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Needa let this all out..

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So, idk how long this will be, but I really just need to get this out.. Any support/feedback or whatever always welcome.

Basically, I've almost lost hope that it'll get better. I'm tired of fighting my depression, tired of fighting my urges.. I want to give up the fight.. But I can't because of the few people that still care. I don't know if it's necessarily death that I want. But I know I've lost the will to live. And I doubt I'm living any more. Each day I wake up alive, and I'm just.. indifferent about the whole thing. I wouldn't care if I die tomorrow, but I wouldn't care if I keep existing.

I don't feel like my family cares about me, and my sister, who is 11, told me she wouldn't care if I died. And I'm sure she'd prefer it sometimes. My mum, well.. She treats me like rubbish most of the time. I can't do anything right, and anything that goes wrong is my fault.

I feel so lost and broken and I dont know what to do.. Memories of of past events are getting stronger and harder to deal with, my self harm urges are getting stronger (it's been over two months), I'm under heaps of stress from school end of year exams, which determine my future. I can't take a lot more, yet I'll always answer a request for help, no matter my state. So it isnt just my depression I'm fighting, it's other people's as well. And even if I give up the fight to my own depression, I'll still be fighting for other people.

I just can't really take it right now..

And if you bothered to read me pretty much complaining, thankyou.
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That's a mean thing for your sister to say. Anyway, it's good that you support people even though you're feeling down yourself. That may give you some hope of recovery.


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Your sister is very young and probably doesn't mean qhat she said. When haven't we said that we wouldnt care if someone died. We have all said it and dont mean it. Sometimes we say it when we are exasperated somwone wont listen or cant help someone. And sometimes when our parents dont understand the pain and turmoil we go through they can get snappy with us because we dont do things around the house or we are in a "mood" all the time so it seems like they hate us but they really dont. They carw but just dont know how to approach certain moods and behaviours.
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