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Needed to vent? Life Story Time. TL;R: I want to be committed!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Self_Sab9, Apr 14, 2013.

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  1. Self_Sab9

    Self_Sab9 Member

    *tw for suicidal ideation, desire for self-harm, abuse* (maybe this is redundant here, but just in case)

    I'm new here, my name is AJ for now.

    I'm a 25 yo woman. I use a wheelchair (not as bad as it sounds) and have been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was 14. Or, at least, was diagnosed around 14. It seems my whole life I've been more anxiety and depression prone.

    Like, after seeing Titanic when I was younger, I remember not being able to sleep/having nightmares because of the horror of the thought of people freezing to death in the ocean. The sky was so vast, as was the ocean. And there was no hope. No one was coming for them. That feeling has been trapped in my body since I was aware enough to feel.

    My dad was emotionally abusive for most of my younger years. Then, I started to go to church around 12. The worry/panic/highstrungness turned into terror of being damned to Hell. At 19, I was told I'd never amount to anything by my father while completing time at community college. At 25, I still live at home. Even though I'm married. We're too poor, right now, to live together.

    Partly, because I've never had a job. And I haven't finished my degree (but I do have an associates). And it's not because I'm not smart. Every time I try to go back, I panic massively/have anxiety attacks/spiral into a depression. I feel like a failure. Like I am nothing. Dropped out four times now!

    I started writing a novel after I dropped out of school just recently thinking that if there weren't grades it would be easier to use my *awesome* writing skills. I made the mistake of researching attachment patterns not long ago because one of the characters was adopted. It made me realize how far behind I am developmentally: socially and emotionally. I've been on Rx drugs. In therapy, psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral, and even healing prayer/christian. But there seems like a constant stream of negative thoughts running crazy in my head. About myself. About the world. About life. Constantly.

    Lately, everything just hurts. My writing triggers me. Being with my husband triggers me. My faith triggers me. My facebook feed triggers me. The presence of people triggers me, but their absence even more. It feels too late to grow up, to go forward. I feel like I need to regress, actually, reading about traumatic early experiences. Like, I need dialectic behavioral therapy, in which a therapists works really closely with you, for a brief period of time, but I can't get it because I don't have a borderline personality diagnosis. Though, I could make a case that I am borderline. It seems ridiculous, but I really want someone to mother/father me for a while, walk with me through several milestones missed during abuse.

    "The world is safe"
    "People are safe"
    "I am good"

    I strike out on all three. The world is full of violence. People seem to reject me because they're too effing scared to deal with a wheelchair using person. And, I hate myself.

    Today, I woke up just extremely tired. Weary. Of fighting for hope. Of trying to find a safe place, externally or internally. Of fighting to be good enough. Of feeling like I need to justify my existence to myself. Giving up is easier. Of course, I've done nothing my whole life, it seems, than giving up. I'm here, today, because I'm thinking about suicide. Like someone might think about planning a trip to Hawaii in the distant future (paradise might be nice...) but still, it's enough to scare the hell out of me.

    I really don't want to commit suicide, even while I fantasize about being free finally. But, as cliche as it is, I want HELP. And I promise I won't hurt myself (fatally, can't promise I won't SI), or if I feel like I'm in crisis, I will call 911. Actually, I WANT TO BE COMMITTED. I WANT DBT at least!

    Dumb question, but what do you want to do when you want to be committed?
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    In NY it's simple - you can walk into the ER and tell someone that you are suicidal - that will usually do it

    Check with your regular doctor - may be different by you - and make sure you understand the consequences - once you're committed you give up a lot of your rights and can't leave until tbey say you can
  3. edwny

    edwny CM Friend And Antiquities Friend

    Wow Self_Sab9, does that hit home!

    I was hospitalized no too long ago. I was one of the few "high functioning" in the place. I looked around at the out-of-control clients and thought "Is this my fate?". With all that went on before I went in, and all that was happening to my life because of it, there was an incredible allure to remain in the system. I watched some other that spent 22 hrs a day in a medication induced slumber. I have to admit, a part of me thought that it might not be a bad alternative to having to deal with my situation. I think back on it still, and have been tempted more than once to find my way back to the ER .

    Like you, I don't "not want to live"; I just don't want to live like this. I still don't know what the answer is. For every two people I consult, I get three opinions. I will tell you that I would only hospitalize myself again as a very last resort. The problems are still there when you get out, and some things will change. I am trying to tell myself every day that what I am doing now has the best chance of changing things. It's hard, and I feel your pain.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Talk to your doctor ok hun see what community help there is for you Hospital stays are usually short term just to get you stable the important treatment will be in community where you live You need support to help you deal with living hun See what community supports there are ask your doctor ok hugs
  5. Self_Sab9

    Self_Sab9 Member

    Thank you Wastingecho, for the reply. I'm getting personality disorder screening soon.
    edwyny...thank you too. I wonder if all of this is just...me trying to escape reality. Your empathy is encouraging. Hope we all find the answers...
    total eclipse (love your sn, and that song...) support is part of the problem, anxiety disorders. But, since what I'm doing now isn't helping...I need to be open to it. Thanks all...
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Usually you go through a psychiatrist to be committed. Last Friday my G.P tried to get me committed but the crisis team said no, that I didn't meet the criteria. The crisis team here is a joke, hopefully you will have a better one where you live. As was already said you need to think about this carefully as you give up most of your rights when committed. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I had depression for about 15 years and maybe even more, since I was about 14 and my dad was abusive similar to you...I left home at 15 and went to live with my mom but she has schizophrenia and so I had to go to foster care...I cannot keep a job because of anxiety, panic attacks etc...but I keep forcing myself to do stuff because in the end it's my life and I want to overcome things...

    Having someone with me when I do things helps a lot...so maybe ask your husband or friend to go with you at places...in the beginning it will be very triggering but as you keep doing it, it will be less and less, you'll gain insurance and you'll be able to tolerate the anxiety and thoughts....

    instead of seeing the negativity of things, think of the positive...I know it's sound better than doing it...but that way you won't feel so useless and out of reach...sure people died in the titanic, but some survived and lived to tell the tale to make sure this error doesn't repeat itself...mistakes are made to be learned from...
  8. Self_Sab9

    Self_Sab9 Member

    *music*, I'm not sure I want to sign away so many rights. I've opted for emergency therapy and personality disorder screening.

    morning rush, I'm sorry you've gone through all this stuff too. And, your strength must be of great magnitude. Thanks for the advice. The only problem is transport. Though, whenever possible, I'll try to push. Lately, I guess I'm just...exhausted. Waiting for the "second wind" that invariably comes (much to my chagrin right now). Positivity...is something that I need to work on. It'll get easier, soon, I hope.

    Just posting here has helped though. The fact that anyone cared enough to reply helps. I appreciate it all, you guys. Have a good one.
  9. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    yes I have money problems too, so it limits the things I can do but I try to do things around my neighbourhood so I get to save on bus tickets....

    yes coming here and talking with people who had similar experience is so helpful :) there's always someone who cares here...
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