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Needed to vent

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I'm new here and this is my first post. I just had no outlet really to let it all out.

If you are in for a lengthy read well here is the place. Let me start off by saying that I screwed up by pushing friends away out of my life due to social anxiety and I never got it fixed instead I just kept going on and just digging myself deeper into the hole.

I at this point had very little friends in terms of physical interaction, there were phone calls here and there but for the most part I was alone. I ended up joining various forums like this but with things I was interested in.

Through one of those forums I met a girl and I guess I basically was so happy to have interaction that I lied to make myself look better to her. I put on this front for however long I could till it got to the point that she wanted to meet. It was at this point that the truth came out. I was overweight and still am to a degree but basically I was hiding behind the comfort of a computer and living this other life almost.

She still actually remained by my side and told me to work on myself and she would stick by me because she liked my personality. So at this point my only thing I had to do was lose weight and just work on being a better person by stopping with the lies and just move forward. Instead I still just stayed lazy and did not work on myself, I continued to lie. I said I was working on myself when really I wasn't at all. I screwed up big time.

This went on for about two years to about a few months ago, she told me either you make a change or i'm out of your life. Keep in mind that I have nobody and she's my world. So at this point I start working and working but at the same time I can sense she is growing frustrated which was understandable. I think she held onto me simply because she wanted me to just get better. She encouraged me to meet my friends again and lose weight, etc.

I started to do these things but at the same time I kept bothering her hoping we could be what we were. Not realizing that time was needed for us to be apart and just for me to continue working on myself. It got to the point that losing all the weight, dealing with my anxiety, having nobody at all, trying to deal with life, former friends, and this girl that I love just made me lose it.

I was considering killing myself and I voiced this to her, I also said a lot of mean things to her that I now regret but I was doing anything at all possible to hold onto her in my life because no one else understood me like her. I was hanging onto the past and hoping to go back in time.

so basically I am at square 1 again and I have my friends again but it's hard because I miss this girl so much. I'm almost 30 years old in a few months and I just feel like i'm never going to meet a girl again. It's just so hard to handle and I feel absolutely terrible. I've stepped back from wanting to hurt myself but I still feel this huge void in my heart at the moment.


Staff Alumni
Sounds like a lesson learned...yes, you do not have the girl, but you have yourself...now forgive yourself, and finish the work...maybe this time, you will find a person who you will be yourself, and you will really have the girl (and she can really have you).
Reading your post, I know it more than I still care to admit. Apparently SAD is not well diagnosed. Kudos to your doctor for that - mine didn't. I spent years knowing what was wrong with me, how irrational it was and still having no way out (depression's the symptom, not the cause). I still struggle with it day to day, but at least I know now. I wish I could give you the answer; but all I can say is you're not alone, I know the irrational thoughts you know work against you and you're one of the lucky few who knows the issue.
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