I'm in an awful state. Months of this new living situation...away from my father and family...alone. I'm beginning to start with peer relations and I don't know where to start. My therapist is so hard on me and I feel like I'm not good enough for any of this. I have had to break every single thing I do so I can stop being a cold...a cold ****, to be honest. I posted here some months back and I'm in the same emotional distress. Kay. I'm so terrible. I don't want to go on with this..."help" they call it. They are HELPING me? Sometimes it doesn't seem that way. This is so HARD. I had to break all contact off with the people I cared about just so I can relearn how to interact and grow those relationships back? You. I am having a hard time still and I'm so scared about what my future will hold. I've gotten use to my house-mates but I'm afraid of the outside world now. I'm afraid my therapy will be them leaving me somewhere but I know they won't. I know I'm not making sense. Are. I'm not suppose to be here. I've had an account here since I...left? I wanted an account to keep check on someone special. Someone I'm not going to gain back probably. I think I may be ruining my life by going through this hell to...to fix me? Maybe I was never broken. Was I? Was I broken? Tea. It seems like my only joy right now--the taste of my tea and honey. Suicide is on my mind tonight. I wish I had internet access at the home so I could interact with life again. Life? What is life anyway... do we know what life is? I loved life. He was amazing. So strong yet so weak. I want my life back. I met him not long ago. I left him not long ago. I am mourning for him when I'm the one that was broken. I'm still here. I see you are doing okay, Life. No, I won't say your name here and I'm sorry if it causes a fuss...you were right before though (remember?). It's me. It's you. I wish you could save me from torturing myself to get "better" or whatever it should be called. I pray you understand this is you. This is all for you. Where will my life go. I spelled your name out in my eyes, Life. That's what I'll refer to you as now...Life...because that's what you are.